Divorce

Step One is complete.

I caught the 8am ferry into Vancouver and took transit to the Provincial Courthouse. I was there before 10am. I inquired as to the whereabouts of the Divorce counter, and found no line-up there. The agent read over my application, asked some questions to clarify some things, and we corrected what needed correcting. I paid the $218 and was walking out of the courthouse at 10:15 -- leaving a line-up behind me at the Divorce counter. I had a bite to eat, wandered around a bit, and caught transit back to the ferry. I was home by 2:30 -- before the kids got out of school.

For Step Two, there is quite a bit more paperwork to do. I can't file the next set of papers until after the one-year anniversary of the separation. We separated June 15, and June 16 is a Saturday, so I won't be able to take Step Two until June 18.

June 18 was the original date we had picked to get married. We changed the wedding date to June 25 shortly thereafter to accomodate another family event. I didn't want anyone to have to choose between my wedding and the other event, so we scheduled the wedding so both events could be attended.

After Step Two, I wait. A judge will review the file and either grant or deny a divorce. A "No" will come with notes and instructions on what needs to be addressed before divorce can be granted. Then I can re-file (no additional fee for that).

Once the Divorce is granted, I go on to Step Three: a 31 day waiting period... in case either party changes their mind.

After the 31 days is Step Four: Request a Divorce Certificate, then I am free to remarry.

So how do I feel about all of this?

I wanted to get the process started so I could get it finished. I was irritated about it a few days ago. Today, it was just something I needed to do.

I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I'm not happy or excited.

It was just something that needed to be done.

And now, I've done it.

What An Awful Week

Had to move the office on Saturday.

I hate moving.

My employees came in, and we moved everything just a few doors down the mall. It took about 4 hours to move everything. By the time it was all moved, my kids were burned out, I had a sore back, and at least one employee left in a bad mood.

I hate moving.

After the move, I spent about 3 hours moving furniture and trying to get some semblance of organization.

When I got home, JMJ told me JJ took his girlfriend to a B&B for the weekend. How nice of him to treat HER better than he ever treated me.

Sunday, I woke up with a stiff back. JJ came over and I finally got him to sign the divorce papers. He was really irritating. I was in a bad mood when he left.

On Monday, I took the signed papers to the local courthouse... and was informed that I would have to make a trip into Vancouver to file for divorce. I can't do that here. My goal was to file the papers by the end of this month. That doesn't leave me much time. It is going to be terribly inconvenient. But I have to do it... JJ sure isn't going to do it.

I went back to the office and I spent 4 hours setting up the computer network and recycling alot of stuff I've kept around the last few years in case we ever needed it. In the new, tiny space we have, I decided I don't need it anymore.

Today, I spent another 2 hours unpacking, and started 4 new tax returns. I haven't put up any signs telling people we've moved -- how do they keep finding me?

At lunch time, I put a baggie on my desk with my lunch in it: two home-made cheddar cheese and bacon muffins with lots of fresh chives. Then I locked the door and went to the grocery store to get a jug of milk. When I got back to the office a few minutes later, there was a note on my desk from FdM -- I just missed him! -- and my lunch was gone. I spotted the baggie on the floor, torn to shreds.

My Dog ate my Lunch!

That was the straw that broke the camels back.

I cried.

So many stupid little things piling up, for so many days, and I just had enough. I was hungry, frustrated, annoyed, irritated, stiff and sore. And I couldn't stop crying.

So I put a note on the door, and went home for the day.

I came home, made a fresh batch of cranberry-orange muffins (I'm out of bacon), and watched 21 Jump Street.

I'm still irritated. I'm still teary.

And the office is still a disaster.

I hate moving.

He Finally Signed The Papers

I can't believe it!

I've been trying to get the divorce papers signed for weeks! I was just about ready to file a Sole Application. That would cost more, but then I would be able to petition to have him cover the court costs. Ultimately, it would only cost him more.

After all the heartache he has put me through, all the difficulties with him wanting the Agreement amended, everything was signed the way I wrote it. Only one word was changed on the Amendment: "obtained" was changed to "borrowed".

Today I told him to quit stalling and sign the papers. He replied that he wasn't stalling.

So I got rude.

I said "Just because you are screwing your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm free to pursue a relationship. I have morals."

I really don't know why he bothers to argue with me. He knows I'm right. He knows I'm reasonable. He knows he's going to end up accepting what I say.

He always has.

Sometimes it took several months for him to discover that I was right all along. This time, I think he's just lazy. He was talking about hiring a lawyer to read the Separation Agreement and Amendment before signing the Divorce Application. I told him to go ahead -- just get it done! In the end, he came back and said "I'll sign the papers. I trust you."

Where was that trust 10 years ago? For over 10 years, he has been convinced that I had an affair with DR. He thought that IJ was DRs son.

I don't recall ever experiencing his trust.

Just his laziness.

Ouch

JMJ just told me that JJ brought HER to the Sunshine Coast for the weekend because SHE has never been here before. They are staying at a B&B.

He never took me to a B&B.

He never took me anywhere just because I had never been there before.

That really hurts.

He never took me anywhere at all. He always said we couldn't afford to go anywhere. These days, he tells me he has no money because he gives it all to me for child support. Then he takes HER on a trip... and stays in a B&B not more than 20 minutes away from his mother's house. The rare trips we did go on, we always stayed with family.

I can't believe how much this hurts.

I don't want to go to a B&B with him. I don't want to do anything with him.

I certainly don't want to hear how he treats the Other Woman better than he ever treated me.

What a Beautiful Day

The sun was shining, but it wasn't too hot. No arguements with the kids. Work was quiet, but not boring. FdM gave me a really nice hug this morning.

I can't complain about this day.

I even got to show some artwork to a client. Not a tax client... somebody has hired me to design a logo for a new business.

It was the best of all possible art jobs... I was told the name of the business, and given a description of their activities. I had no other input from the client... I got to let my imagination run free!

I do my best work under those conditions.

I put together three different ideas... one was text-only, and then two different graphics, with a few different variations of each idea.

I was thrilled when the client liked my favourite one best!

He has good taste.

So I spent another couple of hours tonight cleaning up the graphics and making some other minor changes that were requested. I now have another half dozen variations of the chosen design to present tomorow.

This is fun!

The strange part is, when I was attending Art School, I hated Graphic Design. I found it to be terribly boring work.

Of course, we didn't have computers back then.

Now, I can copy and paste and manipulate my design all I want. I don't have to start from scratch each time I want to make a change. I can get my variations done in an hour, instead of a week.

Then, to top off the day, FdM called to say "goodnight".

What a beautiful day!

Drunk

Yup, I did. I drank several Caramel Apples -- 2 parts caramel schnapps (375 ml in total), 1 part appfel korn.

Yummy

Earlier this evening, I thought I might not sleep at all tonight. Now, I'm expecting to read for a little while, and maybe wake up in a couple of hours because my light is still on.

I guess I'll know by morning.

Where Am I?

How Did I Get Here?

Why Can't I Go Home?

I have had a very odd week.

Odd; abnormal; mundane; unpredictable; tedious; variable; unclassifiable; changing; static; surreal.

The last three or four days, I have felt like crying. No reason for it... I just had this feeling that I needed to cry. I needed to cry, but was unable to.

It is alot like having an itch that can't be scratched. No, it's more like Elevator Music... you know something isn't quite right, but the music itself is hiding from your consciousness, even while you are listening to it.

I had a need to cry, but the reason for it was hiding from my consciousness, leaving only the feeling that something wasn't quite right.

So I prayed about it.

I still don't know why I needed to cry.

But I had my cry.

I would like to talk to somebody about it. I usually discuss these things with my sister. She is on a rare vacation right now. 20 year high school reunion. I don't want to disturb her right now. She is staying at mom & dad's house, so I can't call mom either. I could never talk to JJ about this kind of thing... he has this idea that depression can be overcome with a positive attitude. FdM has been very busy, so I haven't had a chance to talk to him. DR has a new phone number, which I have written down at the office, but not at home. Right now, I've had too much to drink to go get it.

Just like I felt like I needed to cry this week, I felt like I needed to get drunk tonight. It has been a month or more since I last had a drink. I haven't set out to get drunk since September (I blogged that night, too). I have had drinks since then... just not the intention of being drunk.

I was talking to Mom a couple nights ago. I asked her if she worried about me when I was 19 and was going out drinking with friends. She said no. She said "I knew you were responsible". That made me happy. I knew I was responsible. I didn't know Mom knew it.

Moms are great.

Other surreal happenings this week were:

• accounting lost my payroll, so nobody from my office got paid this week
• JMJ and IJ spent the day today with their grandparents... and the grandparents haven't talked to me in weeks
• I have to move my office to a new location by the end of the month... and, as I keep telling people, "nobody in any position of authority has told me that I'm moving" (I heard it through the grapevine)
• JMJ tried to beat me up (he's as strong as I am, but I'm still quicker)
• I found out that the School District counsellors decided JMJ didn't need any further counselling several months ago, and didn't tell me
• I was told that my office could make alot of money... if I let my best employee go (does that make any sense? how can we get all that additional work done if my best employee is gone?)
• the insurance company told me that I have to pay my own collision deductible for a hit-and-run... not my comprehensive deductible. (does that sound fair? If I was vandalized, it would cost me $200... a hit-and-run costs me $750)
• I cleaned my living-room carpet today... even after a half-dozen cleanings, the colour is still noticably lighter after I'm finished! (this better not be a white carpet!)
• the weatherman said rain this weekend, so I thought it would be a good time to do some interior rennovations... but I can't cut my plywood unless the sun is shining (I don't want my home full of sawdust)

I'm getting bored with this now.

I'm going to do something else... maybe play some mindless video games. Maybe do some mindless web surfing. Can't mindlessly watch TV: don't have cable.

Portrait of My Mind

The web of my life is falling apart. My kids are fooling around in it, oblivious to everything but themselves. Joy got up and walked away. Logic is hibernating. Enthusiasm has become Indifferent.

I want to brush the web away -- eliminate the difficulties in my life with the stroke of my hand. Be free of all feeling.

But I can't.

Responsibility is still on duty, trying to hold things together. Responsibility won't let me give up. Responsibility insists that I continue to try to repair the web.

This web is my life. It can't be replaced.

It can be re-built.

The Verdict is In....

The damage to my car was inspected... and as expected, the repair estimate is lower than my deductible. The estimate is $460. My deductible: $750.

I'm sure I can fix it for less than that. All I need the body shop to do is reattach the bumper. I can touch up the paint myself. I already have everything I need... I purchased all the supplies months ago.

I've been meaning to get around to touching up some paint chips. I've just been waiting for a warm, dry day to do it. Tomorow could be that day. If not, no big deal. I have a household construction project calling my name....

Let's Try Something Different


Among the things that make me happy are:

Petting my dog
Soaking in a hottub
Ice Skating
Swimming in the Ocean
Camping with friends and family
Watching Star Trek with FdM
Long walks
Hugging my kids goodnight
Old, faded blue jeans
Shopping for office supplies
Talking to people
Opening the mail
Cuddling with FdM
Going for a massage
Spontaneous dancing
Hot springs
Horse riding
Museums
Art Galleries
Having a friend over for dinner
Sincere compliments
French kissing
Star gazing
Watching the wildlife in my front yard
Listening to the frogs sing all night
Holding hands with FdM
T-Bone steak
Baked potatoes with all the trimmings
Traveling
Trying new foods
Big art projects
Buying art supplies
Watching my kids create artwork
Cheesecake
Homemade fudge
Hugs
Caressing FdM
Paying the bills
Grocery shopping
Cooking with the kids
Driving
Getting dirty
Getting clean
Talking on the phone to FdM
Bird watching
Gardening
Wild flowers
Collecting seashells
Farmers' Markets
Visiting family
Making wine
Reading cookbooks
Sharing my favourite things with FdM
Funny movies
Maps
Sunshine
Fog
Snow
Hail
Raccoons
Email
Algebra
Dandelions
Coffee breaks with FdM
School Field Trips
Science Magazines
Talking to my sister
Popcorn on the cob
Being naked
Macro photography
Rock climbing
Discussing taxes with FdM
Looking at my photo albums
Washing the car
Grandma's dishes
Having my hair stroked
Exploring tidal pools
Playing in the sand
Long, hot showers
Playing in the rain
Looking at my scars
FdM

Bummed Out

Alot of little things are piling up on me right now.

I noticed on Friday that there is damage to the front bumper of my car. When it snowed this past winter, I had a disagreement with a bush and damaged the passenger side of my front bumper. Now the driver side is also damaged. I don't even know when or where it happened. Thursday/Friday I was in alot of different parking lots. I didn't notice the damage until I happened to park with that part of the car in the sun. In the shade, it is almost invisible.

I went to see my insurance agent -- I've never made a claim before, so I had some questions to ask. She told me it would be classified as a hit-and-run, and I would have to pay my collision deductible to have it fixed.

That really sucks.

I have $1000 deductible on collision. I took the high deductible because if I do that little damage to my own car, it will still be in drivable condition. I never considered that I would have to pay for damage that someone else did to my car.

On the upside, It won't cost me $1000. They have another little rule that says I only have to pay up to $750. But chances are, it will cost less than that to fix anyway.

I hope.

I'll find out on Wednesday.

Friday, the kids and I went to Powell River for the weekend. We have never been there before, so it was an adventure.

It took us a while to find our hotel. I located the travel infocenter, and they were closed. But they left town maps out where I could take one. That was very considerate of them.

Once we finally found the hotel, we had a hard time finding our room. We were told room 30. We found rooms 1-29. So we went back to reception.

Back at the reception desk, we were told there is no room 30.

Great.

We had 2 hotel employees running around the hotel looking for someone who knew where our room was.

I sat down in the lobby and looked at old magazines, trying not to stress about it.

The kids were stressed about it.

It took about 5 minutes for someone to find our room.

We weren't impressed with it.

It was in desperate need of rennovation. The hardwood floors needed refinishing. There was no cable TV. The ocean view was blocked by the pulp mill. The beds were small. The ceiling was cracked. The digital clock couldn't keep time. The door locks were difficult to use. There was no phone in the room.

Somewhere along the line, I realized I had not submitted hours to payroll before leaving home. So, I needed a phone.

The Hotel had a courtesy phone, but I was unable to make a collect call from it. I had to go looking for a pay phone.

I found three of them near the Hotel. Two of them did not work. The third one kept insisting that "all circuits are busy now" after I took the time to key in my credit card number.

We went for a drive, looking for a newer payphone. I found one at the mall. It had a slot for my credit card, and allowed me to make all the long distance calls I wanted! So I left some messages, trying to find someone who could go to the office and submit those payroll hours!

It's no big deal if I miss a pay period. I was more concerned with my employees getting paid on time.

I still don't know if they will be or not.

The trip I've been planning to take the kids on this summer is being scaled down. I talked to them about it. I just don't have the money to do what I wanted to. They are ok with it.

We are still going to Jasper and Banff. We won't be going to Edmonton, Calgary or Drumheller. It will be a one-week trip instead of 2-3 weeks.

We will be camping out every night. We will be doing alot of hiking and other free stuff. And for our one indulgence, we are going on a trail ride.

When I got into the office this morning, I checked my email. Another annoyance there.

Head office is moving people around, and closing the office I report to. I'll have a new supervisor in another province. We will be separated by 3 times zones.

I don't like change.

At least I know the new person. He's been with LT for quite some time. I met him last summer at the convention. I told him then that he doesn't make a very good first impression... but I warmed up to him by the end of the event. He's cool. I can work with him.

Then the mall caretaker came in to give me the keys to my new office.

We have to move again.

I've had neighbouring businesses ask me when I'm moving for about a month now.

No one with any authority has said anything to me about moving the office.

When we moved into our present location a year ago, I knew we would be moving again.

I just expected to have some notice.

I hate moving.

I've got it all planned in my head... have had for weeks.

I'll call up all my employees and get them to come help move and set up the new office. My kids will be paid for the day, too. I will order pizza and make a party of it.

It will be fun.

Once the moving part is done.

Hopefully everyone will be able to help. It will go much faster that way.

And leave more time for partying.

JJ Is Irritating Me Again

It is about the separation agreement and divorce again.

He wants me to amend the separation agreement to disolve the Print Shop. So, I wrote an amendment disolving the Print Shop and giving him all of the related assets. After all, they were purchased with money borrowed from his mother.

As part of the amendment, I wrote in that if JJ were to use those assets in a business endeavour again, excluding the production of his own artwork, that the terms of the original agreement would be reinstated.

JJ did not like that.

JJ said "it sounds like if I ever operate a Print Shop again, you get 10%".

"That's right," I answered.

"But then I'll never be free of you," he whined. "I don't want to be attached to you for the rest of my life."

"You should have thought of that before you married me," I stated.



The original agreement gives me 10% of all profits from the Print Shop.

He does not think I am entitled to that, since I have never been a printer.

He forgets that I supported him financially while he apprenticed at another print shop.

He forgets that I took care of all the paperwork -- sales tax remittance, income tax filing, brochure design, web design. I did all of the behind-the-scenes work.

He forgets all the lonely nights I spent at home while he was out networking with artists, trying to drum up business.

He forgets that I never once said "This isn't working. You should give up."

No.

All he can say to justify himself is "you never supported me".

If he does not consider these things as "supporting him", then what does he consider support?

Then he says "If you get 10% of the Print Shop, then I get 10% of any photography income you make, because I supported you while you got your education."

"No you didn't," I replied. "I funded my education with my student loans. You were a student, too, with your own student loans. We never had a photography business, so there was nothing for you to contribute to."



I really don't care about the Print Shop. I really don't care if I get 10% of profits or not.

What I care about is Principles.

I am not going to let him get away with discarding me so he doesn't have to give me my share.

Three and a half years ago, when I wrote our first Separation Agreement, he had absolutely no problem with me receiving 10% of profits. In fact, he defended my entitlement against his mother.

So why is it a problem now?

Is he so greedy that he is blinded to my rights?

Or does he just want to spend the money on HER?

Right now, there is no money. The Print Shop is not making any money... it never has. This 10% he is arguing with me about is Potential... it does not even exist.

And I am unwilling to let go of my share of that Potential. After all, 10% of future Potential is equal to 10 years of past profit: $0.

Why should I accept less than that?

Marvelous Morning -- Irritating Afternoon

It's always nice to sleep through the night.

Then, I woke up refreshed, remembering a dream I had about DR. It was a nice dream -- I was visiting him, and met his girlfriend. We had a good visit.

Funny thing about dreams... sometimes they just leave impressions. The impression left by this dream was a positive friendship, with everyone overcoming past difficulties and sharing their triumphs.

I finally had a day off from the office today. I didn't get half the stuff done today that I meant to. That's fairly typical. Other things come up, plans change. Today, tasks took longer than anticipated.

A high priority today was filling my gas tank and washing my car. I like using the coin-op machine at the gas station. After that, I drove to the other side of the gas station parking lot and used the coin-op vacuum to clean out the inside of the car. Later in the day, I spent an hour in my driveway cleaning the hard surfaces of the car's interior -- windows, dash board, doors. It almost looks new now!

Late in the afternoon, I went to the mall to get some budgie seed, and discovered that FdM was still in the office working. So after I got the budgie seed, I went in to talk to him.

This is where my day shifted.

FdM was feeling pretty stressed. After talking to him for a few minutes, I figured he had a low blood sugar. And people with low blood sugar don't like being told what to do.

I started by asking him if he had lunch today. He hadn't. So, I was right about the low blood sugar.

I suggested a coffee break. He said no.

I suggested a 10 minute walk. He declined. I countered with a 5 minute walk and a cup of tea.

Now I'm irritating him.

I explained to him that I'm concerned about him. Skipping lunch affected his concentration and his mood.

He finally decided to leave the office because I wouldn't leave him alone. Not quite what I wanted, but it got him away from one source of irritation... he was quite frustrated with the files he was working on. And he said he would eat when he got home, so that's a good thing.

This is a very difficult situation for me. How do you talk to a hypo-glycemic about eating? I've been trying to figure this out for the last 10 years. I haven't come up with anything that works yet.

First it was JJ. I recognized that his mood was foul when he skipped meals. My oldest son was the next one. I find him intolerable when he doesn't eat. Then my diabetic nephew. I had an awful time convincing him to eat when he sank into a low blood sugar -- and for him it was a medical emergency : eat now, or go into a coma. Next was my sister. It is a challenge to be around her when her sugar goes low.

Today, FdM is irritated with me. And the more irritated he becomes, the more concerned I become.

A loved one is irritated. I want to help. If I say anything, I make it worse. If I do nothing, it gets worse.

It makes me feel so helpless.

I hate that.