Power Portrait

The photo of me I have posted here is a very special photo. It is a self-portrait (with a little help from my kids).

Technical:
I used a 30 second exposure at f5.6 on a Cannon AE1 52mm lens.

Incidental:
It was shot in November, when the nights are dark, in my back yard with all lights turned off. We were carrying flashlights to see what we were doing. One kid operated the camera while the other "drew" me with glow sticks. He was still short back then, so he couldn't reach the top of my head.

We had alot of fun playing with the glow sticks in the dark. I had been planning the shoot all summer... it just never got dark enough for us to do it until Fall. Then JJ left me -- it was our first separation -- 2003.

The landlords had sold the house, so we needed to do the photo shoot before we moved. There would be too much light pollution at the new house -- our new neighbours would live much closer to us than in this house.

Significance:
The kids and I shot off a whole roll of film that night. We tried alot of different things. This is the only shot of me. I have called it my "Power Portrait" since the first time I laid eyes on it. I love the way there is nothing at the top of my head: the light is unable to contain me; I exude so much energy, so much power, that I cannot be contained. The light, which is usually associated with power, has no choice but to yield to me.

In Closing:
This portrait is my visual representation of my separation. The power and the strength that I need shine through the darkness to defeat it.

I am strong.

Self-Portrait



Doesn't that look like me? Remember: I'm a Surrealist. Things are not always what they seem.

No clip-art was used in the creation of this portrait. Every element was photographed by me. I could say this work was 25 years in the making -- that's how old the picture of my dog is.

Every element in the photo is significant:

• The rainbow is a promise from God. Promises kept demonstrate loyalty, which is a characteristic I value highly.
• I love water. I love the way it photographs. I love swimming. I feel completely at home in the water.
• My dog is a faithful companion. My dog loves me unconditionally. That displays loyalty, which I have said I value highly.
• I love colour. Bright, contrasting colour. The flowers are a wonderful collection of colour. They are also my Garden of Delights... yes, in a sexual sense -- vivid, diverse and growing.
• Duct Tape has many, many uses. When I packed Duct Tape in my emergency kit, my kids asked me what it was for. I replied "I don't know yet." It is useful in so many ways. One is never truly prepared unless one has Duct Tape on hand.
• Calculator: I love math. I work with numbers. What more can I say? Oh yeah... the display reads "42". (If you don't understand, ask Douglas Adams.)
• Tools: Growing up, I learned that if something is broken, you fix it. My dad could fix anything! He was great at building, too. So, it just came naturally for me to do the same. I'm very capable.
• Art Supplies: I am an artist. I am an Art School graduate. I work in various media. It only made sense for an appendage to be devoted to art.
• Axe: Self-reliance. I enjoy camping. I like wood heat. It is necessary to use an axe in those contexts. It is just another tool. And the source of one of my favourite scars.
• Bandaids: For this photo, I put a bandaid on every scratch, scrape, bruise and scar on my legs. These are positive things. These superficial imperfections represent my life -- always out doing things. When I am active, I sometimes sustain minor injuries. Mowing the lawn, riding a bike, hiking, cutting firewood. My scars are special to me because each one has a story about something I was doing.
• Candle: Romance. Peaceful. The quality of the light given off by a candle is warm and soft. I enjoy watching the flame dance in the slightest air current. Capturing this dance on film has been a challenge. A peaceful, quiet, soothing challenge. A good mood for romance.
• Amber: I rarely wear jewellery. I came across this piece of amber after about 5 months of separation. It was large, and it was uncarved. It was gorgeous! And the shape... I see a human figure jumping for joy, arms reaching upwards. This figure represents joy and freedom -- a release from former trials. I was far from that joy when I purchased it. I am much closer to that joy now. I wear it when I'm feeling particularly depressed. Or if I am in an especially good mood. It is a very special piece to me.
• Lingerie: One of my favourite things. I'm a blue-jeans-and-tee-shirt girl. I like to dress for an active lifestyle -- always ready to do. At home, in the quiet of the evening, I like to dress in something special, for some special time with someone special. It's special.
• Books: Not just any books. These titles are all from my personal collection. Well, two of them are borrowed -- but I still chose to read them. Books are knowledge. Books are adventure. Books are entertainment. Books are useful. I can never have too many books.
• Camera: I bought a digital camera a couple years ago. I got into the habit of using it for all my photography needs. Recently, I shot a roll of film on my "real" camera. I was stunned by the results! The quality is so much higher than my digital. I have so much control over so many factors. I must use it more often. I studied photography for 3 years in Art School. I have a store of knowledge about my camera that is so ingrained in me that I use techniques without even thinking about what I'm doing. The results are fabulous! I can't see me ever using digital exclusively.
• Ladybugs: I'm not even sure how many are in the picture. I photographed them all myself. Ladybugs represent science. As a child, I thought they were pretty. When I had children of my own, I learned alot about them. I would take my kids outside and we would observe the ladybugs in their habitat, making note of their behaviour and their interactions with other bugs. We would identify the type of ladybug by examining their dots. We saw ladybugs walking, resting, mating, eating and being eaten. We saw ladybug larvae and pupae. We learned so much about ladybugs through personal observation. It rekindled the excitement I had for science when I was in grade school. When my oldest son started kindergarten, he didn't know the alphabet, but he could describe in detail the life-cycle of a ladybug. Ladybugs picture an important dimension of my personality... a love of learning, and learning hands-on.

Where Am I?

How Did I Get Here?

Why Can't I Go Home?

I have had a very odd week.

Odd; abnormal; mundane; unpredictable; tedious; variable; unclassifiable; changing; static; surreal.

The last three or four days, I have felt like crying. No reason for it... I just had this feeling that I needed to cry. I needed to cry, but was unable to.

It is alot like having an itch that can't be scratched. No, it's more like Elevator Music... you know something isn't quite right, but the music itself is hiding from your consciousness, even while you are listening to it.

I had a need to cry, but the reason for it was hiding from my consciousness, leaving only the feeling that something wasn't quite right.

So I prayed about it.

I still don't know why I needed to cry.

But I had my cry.

I would like to talk to somebody about it. I usually discuss these things with my sister. She is on a rare vacation right now. 20 year high school reunion. I don't want to disturb her right now. She is staying at mom & dad's house, so I can't call mom either. I could never talk to JJ about this kind of thing... he has this idea that depression can be overcome with a positive attitude. FdM has been very busy, so I haven't had a chance to talk to him. DR has a new phone number, which I have written down at the office, but not at home. Right now, I've had too much to drink to go get it.

Just like I felt like I needed to cry this week, I felt like I needed to get drunk tonight. It has been a month or more since I last had a drink. I haven't set out to get drunk since September (I blogged that night, too). I have had drinks since then... just not the intention of being drunk.

I was talking to Mom a couple nights ago. I asked her if she worried about me when I was 19 and was going out drinking with friends. She said no. She said "I knew you were responsible". That made me happy. I knew I was responsible. I didn't know Mom knew it.

Moms are great.

Other surreal happenings this week were:

• accounting lost my payroll, so nobody from my office got paid this week
• JMJ and IJ spent the day today with their grandparents... and the grandparents haven't talked to me in weeks
• I have to move my office to a new location by the end of the month... and, as I keep telling people, "nobody in any position of authority has told me that I'm moving" (I heard it through the grapevine)
• JMJ tried to beat me up (he's as strong as I am, but I'm still quicker)
• I found out that the School District counsellors decided JMJ didn't need any further counselling several months ago, and didn't tell me
• I was told that my office could make alot of money... if I let my best employee go (does that make any sense? how can we get all that additional work done if my best employee is gone?)
• the insurance company told me that I have to pay my own collision deductible for a hit-and-run... not my comprehensive deductible. (does that sound fair? If I was vandalized, it would cost me $200... a hit-and-run costs me $750)
• I cleaned my living-room carpet today... even after a half-dozen cleanings, the colour is still noticably lighter after I'm finished! (this better not be a white carpet!)
• the weatherman said rain this weekend, so I thought it would be a good time to do some interior rennovations... but I can't cut my plywood unless the sun is shining (I don't want my home full of sawdust)

I'm getting bored with this now.

I'm going to do something else... maybe play some mindless video games. Maybe do some mindless web surfing. Can't mindlessly watch TV: don't have cable.

Portrait of My Mind

The web of my life is falling apart. My kids are fooling around in it, oblivious to everything but themselves. Joy got up and walked away. Logic is hibernating. Enthusiasm has become Indifferent.

I want to brush the web away -- eliminate the difficulties in my life with the stroke of my hand. Be free of all feeling.

But I can't.

Responsibility is still on duty, trying to hold things together. Responsibility won't let me give up. Responsibility insists that I continue to try to repair the web.

This web is my life. It can't be replaced.

It can be re-built.

I'm With Stupid - NOT

I had this design in mind for my sister. The plan was to give her the shirt when her divorce was finalized. Well, she was recently dumped by her new boyfriend, and I've been feeling down, too. So, I finally designed the shirt.

I emailed it to her yesterday. She loved it! She wants to use it on party invitations.

I printed it and took it to work today. VN loved it! She wants the shirt.