JJ's Hypocrisy Is Now Complete

A couple of days ago, JMJ told me that his dad's girlfriends' house is a mess. In his opinion, SHE is a worse housekeeper than I am!

That wraps it up... SHE has none of the qualities that JJ has told me he desires in a woman. SHE is short. SHE does not have a flat stomach. SHE wears alot of makeup. And now, SHE isn't even a decent housekeeper.

He reaps what he sows.

Painting

I've been thinking of painting my room for about a year now. I finally started! Here is how it went:

Day 1: Removed nearly everything from my room that wasn't furniture and stacked it all in the living room, deliberately blocking access to the computer. Washed walls with Mr Clean Magic Eraser. Filled in wood panelling with mud. Slept in my own room.

Day 2: Covered bed and dryer (yes, the dryer is in my bedroom) with heavy plastic. Primed three walls and ceiling, moving bed as needed to get at all three walls. Did some minor repairs -- hammered my finger. Black bruise marks under the nail. Primed second coat. Slept on living room couch. Heard what I thought was a rat in the pantry.

Day 3: Painted walls red (about this colour). More primer on ceiling. Second coat of red. Slept on couch. Still hearing noises in the pantry.

Day 4: Searched pantry. Good news! It's a mouse! Buy mouse traps, bait one with dry dog food, one with peanut butter. Rag paint golden yellow (about this colour) over red. Slept on couch. Heard mousetrap go off. Smile, go back to sleep.

Day 5: Inspect mouse trap. No mouse present. Remove contents of closet and pile on my bed. Cover bed and dresser with heavy plastic. Decide not to mud the remaining wall -- go straight to priming. Prime second coat. Sleep on couch. Hear no rodents. Trap scared him off.

Day 6: Locate hole under hot water heater where mice are getting into the house. They are living under the bathtub. Order Ratzapper online. Paint two coats of red. Sleep on couch. Dog barking periodically through the night... he has better hearing than I do.

Day 7: Rag paint final wall. Sleep on couch. More dog barking through the night. Kids are so freaked out that JMJ sleeps with his light on, and IJ uses his pillows and blankets to build walls around himself. I have to get those mice under control!

Day 8: Adopt a cat from the SPCA. Start putting stuff away in my room. Screw new bookshelf to wall and fill with books. Try to cover windows so I don't wake up with the sun. Need to make curtains now. Sleep in my own bed.

I still have quite a few projects to do to complete the room:

• Sew curtains for two windows and closet.
• Sew runners for top of headboard and bedside table.
• Paint outside of bedroom door golden yellow.
• Cover inside of bedroom door with gold brocade fabric.
• Scrub floor to remove paint drips.
• Mount brass butterfly wall sconce.
• Install storage shelf.
• Set up drafting table.
• Sew curtains to hide storage / art studio area.

I love the way the walls turned out. I picked up the bookshelf and bedside table for $2. I washed, primed and painted them red. The headboard I already had. I painted it red, too. It looks great with the gold brocade roses on it.

As I was removing things from my room, I found alot of JJs stuff. I have a separate pile in the living room for his stuff. I also found quite a few clothes that I don't wear anymore, and made a separate pile for them, too. I'll be making a trip to the thrift shop soon. I didn't throw away much stuff, but that's ok. I now have more ways to organise my stuff, and less stuff that needs organising. I should paint every year!

Self-Portrait



Doesn't that look like me? Remember: I'm a Surrealist. Things are not always what they seem.

No clip-art was used in the creation of this portrait. Every element was photographed by me. I could say this work was 25 years in the making -- that's how old the picture of my dog is.

Every element in the photo is significant:

• The rainbow is a promise from God. Promises kept demonstrate loyalty, which is a characteristic I value highly.
• I love water. I love the way it photographs. I love swimming. I feel completely at home in the water.
• My dog is a faithful companion. My dog loves me unconditionally. That displays loyalty, which I have said I value highly.
• I love colour. Bright, contrasting colour. The flowers are a wonderful collection of colour. They are also my Garden of Delights... yes, in a sexual sense -- vivid, diverse and growing.
• Duct Tape has many, many uses. When I packed Duct Tape in my emergency kit, my kids asked me what it was for. I replied "I don't know yet." It is useful in so many ways. One is never truly prepared unless one has Duct Tape on hand.
• Calculator: I love math. I work with numbers. What more can I say? Oh yeah... the display reads "42". (If you don't understand, ask Douglas Adams.)
• Tools: Growing up, I learned that if something is broken, you fix it. My dad could fix anything! He was great at building, too. So, it just came naturally for me to do the same. I'm very capable.
• Art Supplies: I am an artist. I am an Art School graduate. I work in various media. It only made sense for an appendage to be devoted to art.
• Axe: Self-reliance. I enjoy camping. I like wood heat. It is necessary to use an axe in those contexts. It is just another tool. And the source of one of my favourite scars.
• Bandaids: For this photo, I put a bandaid on every scratch, scrape, bruise and scar on my legs. These are positive things. These superficial imperfections represent my life -- always out doing things. When I am active, I sometimes sustain minor injuries. Mowing the lawn, riding a bike, hiking, cutting firewood. My scars are special to me because each one has a story about something I was doing.
• Candle: Romance. Peaceful. The quality of the light given off by a candle is warm and soft. I enjoy watching the flame dance in the slightest air current. Capturing this dance on film has been a challenge. A peaceful, quiet, soothing challenge. A good mood for romance.
• Amber: I rarely wear jewellery. I came across this piece of amber after about 5 months of separation. It was large, and it was uncarved. It was gorgeous! And the shape... I see a human figure jumping for joy, arms reaching upwards. This figure represents joy and freedom -- a release from former trials. I was far from that joy when I purchased it. I am much closer to that joy now. I wear it when I'm feeling particularly depressed. Or if I am in an especially good mood. It is a very special piece to me.
• Lingerie: One of my favourite things. I'm a blue-jeans-and-tee-shirt girl. I like to dress for an active lifestyle -- always ready to do. At home, in the quiet of the evening, I like to dress in something special, for some special time with someone special. It's special.
• Books: Not just any books. These titles are all from my personal collection. Well, two of them are borrowed -- but I still chose to read them. Books are knowledge. Books are adventure. Books are entertainment. Books are useful. I can never have too many books.
• Camera: I bought a digital camera a couple years ago. I got into the habit of using it for all my photography needs. Recently, I shot a roll of film on my "real" camera. I was stunned by the results! The quality is so much higher than my digital. I have so much control over so many factors. I must use it more often. I studied photography for 3 years in Art School. I have a store of knowledge about my camera that is so ingrained in me that I use techniques without even thinking about what I'm doing. The results are fabulous! I can't see me ever using digital exclusively.
• Ladybugs: I'm not even sure how many are in the picture. I photographed them all myself. Ladybugs represent science. As a child, I thought they were pretty. When I had children of my own, I learned alot about them. I would take my kids outside and we would observe the ladybugs in their habitat, making note of their behaviour and their interactions with other bugs. We would identify the type of ladybug by examining their dots. We saw ladybugs walking, resting, mating, eating and being eaten. We saw ladybug larvae and pupae. We learned so much about ladybugs through personal observation. It rekindled the excitement I had for science when I was in grade school. When my oldest son started kindergarten, he didn't know the alphabet, but he could describe in detail the life-cycle of a ladybug. Ladybugs picture an important dimension of my personality... a love of learning, and learning hands-on.

Cancelled Plans

Why is it so upsetting when someone has to cancel out on me? It's not like they do it on purpose. Things happen. Situations change.

I understand that.

So why does it upset me so much?

I'm aware that it does, so I try to take steps to prevent it from happening. I remind people that we have plans several days beforehand. If I suspect someone might need to cancel, I ask them point-blank if they are going to be able to keep our plans.

I need to know ahead of time... at least several days... if plans are changing. That give me time to accept the change, and either change my plans as well, or just change my mindset so I'm ready to do whatever-it-was by myself.

A couple of different people have done this to me in the last year. Some things are unavoidable, like car accidents or illnesses. If someone has been in an accident, they are just going to change their plans. Nothing they can do about it.

Less drastic happenings have kept people from keeping their plans with me. That is a good thing. I don't want all my friends getting into car accidents.

So, why do I have such a hard time dealing with it?

I like to be spontaneous. I've had some great experiences by being flexible about my schedule. At the same time, when I make plans ahead of time, there is anticipation. I really look forward to fulfilling those plans, whether it is a week from now, or a year later. When something happens to change those plans, it is like running full-speed into a brick wall.

But why?

It doesn't stop me from going. Whether it is a business trip or a visit with an out-of-town friend, I am still able to go. It becomes a different trip without the other person, but I still go.

And I enjoy myself.

So, why it is so upsetting?

The answer is JJ.

He did it to me all the time.

When we had been married about 2 years, I wanted to go see Doug and the Slugs play at a local club. I asked JJ if he would go with me -- 6 weeks ahead of time! He said he would. So, the anticipation started.

Once a week, I would bring it up. I didn't want him to forget (again). I wanted to see Doug and the Slugs, and I did not want him to let me down (again). The last week of anticipation, I would say something about it every day. The morning of the big day, I asked him again if he wanted to go with me. He said yes. I was excited all day, looking forward to going out with him, and seeing Doug and the Slugs. I let him sleep in. I didn't ask him to do anything all day. I wanted him to be rested and ready to go.

I got dressed to go out about an hour before I thought we needed to leave the house. I was pacing in the living room, waiting for it to be time to leave. JJ was in the bedroom, so I figured he was getting ready to go. It was taking him an awfully long time, so I went to see what he was doing.

He was lying on the bed, in his grubby jeans and an old t-shirt, reading a book! I asked him why he wasn't ready to go yet. He said "I have a headache. I'm not going."

I was so angry! If he wasn't feeling well, he should have told me. If he just didn't want to go, he should have said so. It was time for me to leave, and I had no date, no friend to share the evening with. I went anyway. I had fun. And I stayed angry at JJ.

He did this to me more times than I can remember... and I can name people who believe I have a photographic memory.

Dance classes, SCA events, house parties, dinner parties, family functions, camping trips, dinner out. The list goes on and on. It was the same way every time. He says "yes, I will go with you". I go out of my way to arrange a babysitter, sometimes driving an hour or more to drop the kids off, only to hear "I don't feel well" when I get back home to pick him up. I did everything I possibly could to make it easy for him -- that's hard work! He would sit there, watching me make all the preparations, then at the last minute, he would let me down.

I know that is not what is happening now. I can see that my friends honestly need to cancel. We all have responsibilities, and sometimes unforseen events unfold, causing us to change our plans.

It is always disappointing.

It is not deliberate.

And I still find it difficult to deal with.

On top of all that, I can't even talk to my friends about it. They already feel bad that they had to cancel. They are disappointed, too. Anything I say will just make them feel worse. Making my friends feel worse will not help me feel better. It will just make things even harder for me.

I almost didn't write about this. I thought "what if one of those friends happens to read this?" Well, this blog isn't about my friends. It's about me. This is how I feel right now.

I needed to vent.

And this is how I do it.

Nap Day Today

I just felt like taking a nap all day. I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep because the neighbour was playing her music too loud. Her husband died at work recently, so I don't want to go complain. The kids missed the bus this morning because I slept in, so I had to drive them to school. I was awake by then, so I went into the office to catch up on some work. We were closed today, so no clients bothered me.

FdM and I walked over to the local coffee shop for lunch. We haven't done that for a while. It was a nice change of pace.

I had a chiropractor visit... put my back out when we moved the office. I said to the chiro: "it feels like a nap day today." She agreed. Pretty soon, everyone in her office was wanting a nap!

It was difficult to concentrate on the way back to the office, so I called it a day. Wandered through Liquidation World -- found some art supplies for the kids -- then went home. I made a batch of fudge, played with some recent photos I shot (working on a self-portrait), and ate dinner. I was really ready for bed then. But I have kids to take care of.

I took a nice, hot bath while IJ watched "Return of the Jedi". When I got out, I had my favorite jeans, fluffy socks and sweatshirt in the dryer warming up. By the time I was dressed, IJs movie was over. Right now, he is finishing his homework, then having a snack and going to bed. JMJ should be home from his friends house by then, and I will finally be able to go to bed!

But will I be able to go to sleep?

I received some new books from Amazon this week. So, in addition to being woke up by the neighbour early every morning, I haven't been going to sleep until after midnight because I'm reading!

If I go to bed when the kids do, I should be able to do a bit of reading. I'll have to enforce a one-chapter rule. That's hard to do -- I don't listen to myself very well.

I better get going, or I'll be up all night again.

Miscellaneous Items

• Surgery Update I had my surgery on March 28. Three weeks later, I saw the GYN for a check-up. He said it could take up to six months to fully heal. I will know by then how successful the surgery was. Well, I'm already happy with the results. My last period was so much lighter than they have been the last few years. A couple of days ago, I had to check my calendar to find out when my last period was... it felt like so long since I've had one. It ended only 3 weeks ago. Before surgery, I had only 1.5-2 weeks between periods. This is great! And it may become better still! I can't wait!
• Antidepressants I wanted to wean myself off the Zoloft once tax season was over. Near the end of April, I started taking only 50mg/day. I had been taking 75mg/day for the previous 8 months or so. After about a month of 50mg, I started taking 25mg. After about 2 weeks of that, I started to feel the effects of the reduced dose. I didn't recognize them at first. I had a general feeling of "not right". I felt like I needed to cry, but could not determine why. I became irritable. I went back to 50mg about 10 days ago. I feel normal now. Or, at least, what passes for normal. I'm really not sure what "normal" is anymore.
• FdM has been out of town for a week. He said he would call me while he was away, but I haven't heard from him. He is expected to arrive home tonight. I'll call him tomorow if I don't hear from him first. On my last trip, I had an awful time finding a payphone that would work. I tried to call FdM, but the phones just couldn't deal with long-distance calls. I don't know if that happened to FdM or not. I'll find out soon.
• Puppy I found a new home for the puppy. He was 8 months old. A young couple was looking for a young dog. They live near the beach, and don't have close neighbours. They walk alot. That puppy needs alot of walking! They are able to give him the attention and exercise I wasn't able to give him. HJ seems much happier now that the puppy is gone. His breed was developed to be submissive, but I think it is a relief to him to have the dominant dog out of the house. HJ and I do the things we used to do before I got the puppy. We go for walks... just the two of us. I take him to the office... he is well-behaved there. He gets to go for car rides... he will come along when I run to the store. He doesn't get to go outside and run around, but he really enjoys the ride. We are enjoying spending time together. When the puppy was in the house, I left HJ at home, too, when I couldn't take the puppy somewhere. Puppy barked too much when he was home alone. This was a good move for all of us!
• Organizing my Bedroom IJ was looking for the old Nintendo, and he was sure it was in a box in my room. So, he helped me organize my room. JJ left boxes and junk piled so high in there that I didn't know what was there anymore. Now, I've removed several bags of garbage, taken several bags to the Thrift Shop, and have a pile of JJs stuff for him to haul away. I almost have a room again! And, IJ found the Nintendo, so he is happy, too. Once JJs stuff is gone, I will have room to repack the remaining boxes. That may reduce the volume of stuff by as much as 50%. Best of all: I found the negatives of my 1984 trip to Paris... I've been looking for those since I bought my scanner last year.
• Artwork FdM asked me a couple months ago to create a portrait of him. I gave it to him a month ago. Yesterday, I was thinking that I should do one of myself in the same style. It was fun creating the first one... so this should be fun, too. I was up late last night sketching in bed. I have my basic layout figured out. Today, I bought a big bouquet of mixed flowers and did my first photo shoot. For the FdM portrait, I pasted together clip-art. For my own portrait, I'll be pasting together my own photos. Not because I'm more important than he is. Because I know more about myself, and have access to meaningful items that can be used for the project.
• Dreams I've been keeping my Dream Journal. I've consistently remembered two dreams per night since I started. Last night, I woke up at 4:20am, but just didn't feel like writing my dream down. In the morning, I still remembered it. As well as the one I had just awakened from. I didn't have time to write them both down... I had kids to get ready for school. So, I wrote only the second one. Parts of the first dream are still with me... I just don't feel motivated to write it down. It should be forgotten by tomorow. I think I will continue to not write at 4am. If I remember in the morning, I will write it then... unless I feel compelled to write at 4am. I'll have to take it as it comes. Decide as I go. I just want to get enough sleep!

Dreams

I woke up this morning, remembering a dream I had. It has been years since I consistently remembered my dreams upon waking. Right now, what I remember is that I had a dream and I was impressed at the amount of detail I remembered.

Too bad I didn't write it down.

All I recall is that FdM was in the dream -- and that it was a positive dream.

When I was a teenager, I started to keep a dream journal. I always had a notebook and pen on my nightstand so I could write my dreams before I was even fully awake. There were times that I read the journal a couple of days after writing in it, and I had no recollection of the dream.

I have always been fascinated by dreams. I have stayed away from Dream Interpretation books... how can a book tell me what the symbolism in my dreams mean? That is a very personal thing. A book cannot account for my personal history or what is currently going on in my life. Only I can do that.

That is my approach to dreams: their contents reflect what is going on in my life and are coloured by my own history.

Having forgotten the dream I remembered this morning, I now have a desire to start recording my dreams again. I want to remember these interesting tidbits. I spend 1/3 of my life sleeping... it would be nice to know what I am doing during those hours.

I have to go pick up my photos at the drug store after supper.

I will have to pick up a notebook, too.