Where Am I?

How Did I Get Here?

Why Can't I Go Home?

I have had a very odd week.

Odd; abnormal; mundane; unpredictable; tedious; variable; unclassifiable; changing; static; surreal.

The last three or four days, I have felt like crying. No reason for it... I just had this feeling that I needed to cry. I needed to cry, but was unable to.

It is alot like having an itch that can't be scratched. No, it's more like Elevator Music... you know something isn't quite right, but the music itself is hiding from your consciousness, even while you are listening to it.

I had a need to cry, but the reason for it was hiding from my consciousness, leaving only the feeling that something wasn't quite right.

So I prayed about it.

I still don't know why I needed to cry.

But I had my cry.

I would like to talk to somebody about it. I usually discuss these things with my sister. She is on a rare vacation right now. 20 year high school reunion. I don't want to disturb her right now. She is staying at mom & dad's house, so I can't call mom either. I could never talk to JJ about this kind of thing... he has this idea that depression can be overcome with a positive attitude. FdM has been very busy, so I haven't had a chance to talk to him. DR has a new phone number, which I have written down at the office, but not at home. Right now, I've had too much to drink to go get it.

Just like I felt like I needed to cry this week, I felt like I needed to get drunk tonight. It has been a month or more since I last had a drink. I haven't set out to get drunk since September (I blogged that night, too). I have had drinks since then... just not the intention of being drunk.

I was talking to Mom a couple nights ago. I asked her if she worried about me when I was 19 and was going out drinking with friends. She said no. She said "I knew you were responsible". That made me happy. I knew I was responsible. I didn't know Mom knew it.

Moms are great.

Other surreal happenings this week were:

• accounting lost my payroll, so nobody from my office got paid this week
• JMJ and IJ spent the day today with their grandparents... and the grandparents haven't talked to me in weeks
• I have to move my office to a new location by the end of the month... and, as I keep telling people, "nobody in any position of authority has told me that I'm moving" (I heard it through the grapevine)
• JMJ tried to beat me up (he's as strong as I am, but I'm still quicker)
• I found out that the School District counsellors decided JMJ didn't need any further counselling several months ago, and didn't tell me
• I was told that my office could make alot of money... if I let my best employee go (does that make any sense? how can we get all that additional work done if my best employee is gone?)
• the insurance company told me that I have to pay my own collision deductible for a hit-and-run... not my comprehensive deductible. (does that sound fair? If I was vandalized, it would cost me $200... a hit-and-run costs me $750)
• I cleaned my living-room carpet today... even after a half-dozen cleanings, the colour is still noticably lighter after I'm finished! (this better not be a white carpet!)
• the weatherman said rain this weekend, so I thought it would be a good time to do some interior rennovations... but I can't cut my plywood unless the sun is shining (I don't want my home full of sawdust)

I'm getting bored with this now.

I'm going to do something else... maybe play some mindless video games. Maybe do some mindless web surfing. Can't mindlessly watch TV: don't have cable.