He Finally Signed The Papers

I can't believe it!

I've been trying to get the divorce papers signed for weeks! I was just about ready to file a Sole Application. That would cost more, but then I would be able to petition to have him cover the court costs. Ultimately, it would only cost him more.

After all the heartache he has put me through, all the difficulties with him wanting the Agreement amended, everything was signed the way I wrote it. Only one word was changed on the Amendment: "obtained" was changed to "borrowed".

Today I told him to quit stalling and sign the papers. He replied that he wasn't stalling.

So I got rude.

I said "Just because you are screwing your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm free to pursue a relationship. I have morals."

I really don't know why he bothers to argue with me. He knows I'm right. He knows I'm reasonable. He knows he's going to end up accepting what I say.

He always has.

Sometimes it took several months for him to discover that I was right all along. This time, I think he's just lazy. He was talking about hiring a lawyer to read the Separation Agreement and Amendment before signing the Divorce Application. I told him to go ahead -- just get it done! In the end, he came back and said "I'll sign the papers. I trust you."

Where was that trust 10 years ago? For over 10 years, he has been convinced that I had an affair with DR. He thought that IJ was DRs son.

I don't recall ever experiencing his trust.

Just his laziness.

Marvelous Morning -- Irritating Afternoon

It's always nice to sleep through the night.

Then, I woke up refreshed, remembering a dream I had about DR. It was a nice dream -- I was visiting him, and met his girlfriend. We had a good visit.

Funny thing about dreams... sometimes they just leave impressions. The impression left by this dream was a positive friendship, with everyone overcoming past difficulties and sharing their triumphs.

I finally had a day off from the office today. I didn't get half the stuff done today that I meant to. That's fairly typical. Other things come up, plans change. Today, tasks took longer than anticipated.

A high priority today was filling my gas tank and washing my car. I like using the coin-op machine at the gas station. After that, I drove to the other side of the gas station parking lot and used the coin-op vacuum to clean out the inside of the car. Later in the day, I spent an hour in my driveway cleaning the hard surfaces of the car's interior -- windows, dash board, doors. It almost looks new now!

Late in the afternoon, I went to the mall to get some budgie seed, and discovered that FdM was still in the office working. So after I got the budgie seed, I went in to talk to him.

This is where my day shifted.

FdM was feeling pretty stressed. After talking to him for a few minutes, I figured he had a low blood sugar. And people with low blood sugar don't like being told what to do.

I started by asking him if he had lunch today. He hadn't. So, I was right about the low blood sugar.

I suggested a coffee break. He said no.

I suggested a 10 minute walk. He declined. I countered with a 5 minute walk and a cup of tea.

Now I'm irritating him.

I explained to him that I'm concerned about him. Skipping lunch affected his concentration and his mood.

He finally decided to leave the office because I wouldn't leave him alone. Not quite what I wanted, but it got him away from one source of irritation... he was quite frustrated with the files he was working on. And he said he would eat when he got home, so that's a good thing.

This is a very difficult situation for me. How do you talk to a hypo-glycemic about eating? I've been trying to figure this out for the last 10 years. I haven't come up with anything that works yet.

First it was JJ. I recognized that his mood was foul when he skipped meals. My oldest son was the next one. I find him intolerable when he doesn't eat. Then my diabetic nephew. I had an awful time convincing him to eat when he sank into a low blood sugar -- and for him it was a medical emergency : eat now, or go into a coma. Next was my sister. It is a challenge to be around her when her sugar goes low.

Today, FdM is irritated with me. And the more irritated he becomes, the more concerned I become.

A loved one is irritated. I want to help. If I say anything, I make it worse. If I do nothing, it gets worse.

It makes me feel so helpless.

I hate that.

Where did the puppy come from?

JJ tells me that one of his co-workers has a puppy she can't take care of. She got it on impulse: Saw a sign that said "free puppies". She thought "I want a dog!" so she took home a very young puppy. She quickly realized she was unable to handle a puppy. So, JJ offers to watch it for a couple of days so she can think about if she wants to keep it or not. She decides not.

Now, IJ spends the weekend with his dad, and plays with the puppy the whole time. JJ asks me if I know anyone who wants a dog... I tell him to bring it over and I'll find it a home. Big mistake. Both kids fall in love with it, promising to look after it. I say ok, we'll keep the puppy. The cat is unimpressed.

Fast Forward a few weeks. I find out that the "co-worker" does not work with JJ. They did briefly work at the same place several years ago, but are currently working in different industries. The "co-worker" is a single mother. JJ has been spending alot of time with this "co-worker" over the last few months. This "co-worker" is under the impression that they are dating. Probably because they are.

This brings up some questions:

Why is JJ trying to work things out with me if he is seeing Her?

Why did he lie to me about it?

Why did he give me her puppy?

What do I do about the situation?

I do want JJ to come back to his family. But he isn't sure he can let go of the past and start fresh with me. He isn't sure he can do what it takes to keep our family together.

I have spoken to a number of people about JJ. CE supports whatever I want to do. KH tells me men are selfish creatures who don't think about the consequences of their actions. DR advises me to cut him loose. VN phoned JJ and chewed him out. DL just asks how things are going and listens.

And then... I throw a monkeywrench into the situation. JJ wants to be friends if we stay separated. I tell him that can't happen. Every time I see him, I just want to hug him and hold him tight. Every time he calls, my heart jumps for joy. When we have a good conversation as friends, it makes me think we still have a chance. After all, I married my friend. If we are not going to be together, I cannot do that. I cannot talk to him on the phone. I cannot even be at the house when he comes to pick up the kids. If we are not going to be together, I must be totally cut off from him. He doesn't want to lose me as a friend, so now he's afraid to tell me it's really over.

This is unusual for me. I seldom deal in absolutes. I rarely see anything as black and white... there are so many shades of grey, that some middle ground can be met. But in this case, I must see in black and white. All or nothing. He's with me 100%, or I never see him again.

That hurts, too.

The lesser of two evils. I never believed such a choice could really exist. I always thought people were being over-dramatic when using that phrase. But here it is, in my lap. It hurts to think of never seeing him again. It hurts to think of seeing him, but knowing he's not mine.

It hurts.