Alone

That triggered an emotional response.

Early today, VN said I seemed lonely. Later in the day, LH said I looked tired. I felt lethargic. I have been sleeping alot the last few days. Then today, I had no appetite.

That was the thing that told me what is wrong -- No Appetite.

I am depressed.

I enjoyed a good laugh over JJs latest escapades.

Then, I was alone.

I initially felt somewhat overwhelmed at work today. It seemed like every 10 minutes, another job fell onto my desk. I caught myself jumping from task to task, not really accomplishing anything. It was difficult, but I managed to make myself finish a task. Then I made myself finish another task. Before I knew it, everything was done.

Then, I was alone.

I wasted some time on the computer, and some more work came into the office. By the time I left work for the day, I had a days' work sitting on my desk again, with a promise to have it ready for next Tuesday.

Now, at home, IJ asleep, I am alone again.

The house is so quiet. I sit here at the computer, not really wanting to do anything, but not wanting to go to bed. In bed, the house is even more quiet. I am even more alone.

Once in bed, I try to read. Some nights I can't concentrate on the book, and I give up. The last few nights, I have been awake late reading. I have been unwilling to turn off the light. In the dark silence, I am so alone.

Then, I wake up. I wake up, and I do not want to move. The house is quiet and empty. Everything is so still. I don't want to face it. I don't want to be alone.

I want to be asleep.

When I am asleep, I am not alone. When I am asleep, I meet interesting people and do interesting things.

I am not alone.

For a little while.

Miscellaneous Items

• Surgery Update I had my surgery on March 28. Three weeks later, I saw the GYN for a check-up. He said it could take up to six months to fully heal. I will know by then how successful the surgery was. Well, I'm already happy with the results. My last period was so much lighter than they have been the last few years. A couple of days ago, I had to check my calendar to find out when my last period was... it felt like so long since I've had one. It ended only 3 weeks ago. Before surgery, I had only 1.5-2 weeks between periods. This is great! And it may become better still! I can't wait!
• Antidepressants I wanted to wean myself off the Zoloft once tax season was over. Near the end of April, I started taking only 50mg/day. I had been taking 75mg/day for the previous 8 months or so. After about a month of 50mg, I started taking 25mg. After about 2 weeks of that, I started to feel the effects of the reduced dose. I didn't recognize them at first. I had a general feeling of "not right". I felt like I needed to cry, but could not determine why. I became irritable. I went back to 50mg about 10 days ago. I feel normal now. Or, at least, what passes for normal. I'm really not sure what "normal" is anymore.
• FdM has been out of town for a week. He said he would call me while he was away, but I haven't heard from him. He is expected to arrive home tonight. I'll call him tomorow if I don't hear from him first. On my last trip, I had an awful time finding a payphone that would work. I tried to call FdM, but the phones just couldn't deal with long-distance calls. I don't know if that happened to FdM or not. I'll find out soon.
• Puppy I found a new home for the puppy. He was 8 months old. A young couple was looking for a young dog. They live near the beach, and don't have close neighbours. They walk alot. That puppy needs alot of walking! They are able to give him the attention and exercise I wasn't able to give him. HJ seems much happier now that the puppy is gone. His breed was developed to be submissive, but I think it is a relief to him to have the dominant dog out of the house. HJ and I do the things we used to do before I got the puppy. We go for walks... just the two of us. I take him to the office... he is well-behaved there. He gets to go for car rides... he will come along when I run to the store. He doesn't get to go outside and run around, but he really enjoys the ride. We are enjoying spending time together. When the puppy was in the house, I left HJ at home, too, when I couldn't take the puppy somewhere. Puppy barked too much when he was home alone. This was a good move for all of us!
• Organizing my Bedroom IJ was looking for the old Nintendo, and he was sure it was in a box in my room. So, he helped me organize my room. JJ left boxes and junk piled so high in there that I didn't know what was there anymore. Now, I've removed several bags of garbage, taken several bags to the Thrift Shop, and have a pile of JJs stuff for him to haul away. I almost have a room again! And, IJ found the Nintendo, so he is happy, too. Once JJs stuff is gone, I will have room to repack the remaining boxes. That may reduce the volume of stuff by as much as 50%. Best of all: I found the negatives of my 1984 trip to Paris... I've been looking for those since I bought my scanner last year.
• Artwork FdM asked me a couple months ago to create a portrait of him. I gave it to him a month ago. Yesterday, I was thinking that I should do one of myself in the same style. It was fun creating the first one... so this should be fun, too. I was up late last night sketching in bed. I have my basic layout figured out. Today, I bought a big bouquet of mixed flowers and did my first photo shoot. For the FdM portrait, I pasted together clip-art. For my own portrait, I'll be pasting together my own photos. Not because I'm more important than he is. Because I know more about myself, and have access to meaningful items that can be used for the project.
• Dreams I've been keeping my Dream Journal. I've consistently remembered two dreams per night since I started. Last night, I woke up at 4:20am, but just didn't feel like writing my dream down. In the morning, I still remembered it. As well as the one I had just awakened from. I didn't have time to write them both down... I had kids to get ready for school. So, I wrote only the second one. Parts of the first dream are still with me... I just don't feel motivated to write it down. It should be forgotten by tomorow. I think I will continue to not write at 4am. If I remember in the morning, I will write it then... unless I feel compelled to write at 4am. I'll have to take it as it comes. Decide as I go. I just want to get enough sleep!

Dreams

I woke up this morning, remembering a dream I had. It has been years since I consistently remembered my dreams upon waking. Right now, what I remember is that I had a dream and I was impressed at the amount of detail I remembered.

Too bad I didn't write it down.

All I recall is that FdM was in the dream -- and that it was a positive dream.

When I was a teenager, I started to keep a dream journal. I always had a notebook and pen on my nightstand so I could write my dreams before I was even fully awake. There were times that I read the journal a couple of days after writing in it, and I had no recollection of the dream.

I have always been fascinated by dreams. I have stayed away from Dream Interpretation books... how can a book tell me what the symbolism in my dreams mean? That is a very personal thing. A book cannot account for my personal history or what is currently going on in my life. Only I can do that.

That is my approach to dreams: their contents reflect what is going on in my life and are coloured by my own history.

Having forgotten the dream I remembered this morning, I now have a desire to start recording my dreams again. I want to remember these interesting tidbits. I spend 1/3 of my life sleeping... it would be nice to know what I am doing during those hours.

I have to go pick up my photos at the drug store after supper.

I will have to pick up a notebook, too.

Marvelous Morning -- Irritating Afternoon

It's always nice to sleep through the night.

Then, I woke up refreshed, remembering a dream I had about DR. It was a nice dream -- I was visiting him, and met his girlfriend. We had a good visit.

Funny thing about dreams... sometimes they just leave impressions. The impression left by this dream was a positive friendship, with everyone overcoming past difficulties and sharing their triumphs.

I finally had a day off from the office today. I didn't get half the stuff done today that I meant to. That's fairly typical. Other things come up, plans change. Today, tasks took longer than anticipated.

A high priority today was filling my gas tank and washing my car. I like using the coin-op machine at the gas station. After that, I drove to the other side of the gas station parking lot and used the coin-op vacuum to clean out the inside of the car. Later in the day, I spent an hour in my driveway cleaning the hard surfaces of the car's interior -- windows, dash board, doors. It almost looks new now!

Late in the afternoon, I went to the mall to get some budgie seed, and discovered that FdM was still in the office working. So after I got the budgie seed, I went in to talk to him.

This is where my day shifted.

FdM was feeling pretty stressed. After talking to him for a few minutes, I figured he had a low blood sugar. And people with low blood sugar don't like being told what to do.

I started by asking him if he had lunch today. He hadn't. So, I was right about the low blood sugar.

I suggested a coffee break. He said no.

I suggested a 10 minute walk. He declined. I countered with a 5 minute walk and a cup of tea.

Now I'm irritating him.

I explained to him that I'm concerned about him. Skipping lunch affected his concentration and his mood.

He finally decided to leave the office because I wouldn't leave him alone. Not quite what I wanted, but it got him away from one source of irritation... he was quite frustrated with the files he was working on. And he said he would eat when he got home, so that's a good thing.

This is a very difficult situation for me. How do you talk to a hypo-glycemic about eating? I've been trying to figure this out for the last 10 years. I haven't come up with anything that works yet.

First it was JJ. I recognized that his mood was foul when he skipped meals. My oldest son was the next one. I find him intolerable when he doesn't eat. Then my diabetic nephew. I had an awful time convincing him to eat when he sank into a low blood sugar -- and for him it was a medical emergency : eat now, or go into a coma. Next was my sister. It is a challenge to be around her when her sugar goes low.

Today, FdM is irritated with me. And the more irritated he becomes, the more concerned I become.

A loved one is irritated. I want to help. If I say anything, I make it worse. If I do nothing, it gets worse.

It makes me feel so helpless.

I hate that.

Poor Sleep and Bad Dreams

I haven't been sleeping well the last few days. I wake up in the wee hours and can't get back to sleep.

But this time, it isn't because of JJ. It is because of FdM.

When I wasn't sleeping in January, it was because I was stressed and upset about JJ. I was hurt and unhappy.

Right now, when I'm unable to sleep, it is because I'm thinking of a new friendship, and wondering if it will grow into something more. I'm relaxed when I wake up at 2am... my mind is racing, but I'm relaxed and comfortable and in a good mood.

Last night, I slept well. But I had bad dreams.

I have an appointment with a GYN on Thursday to discuss having an endometrial ablation. I have fibroids, and the ablation will slow or maybe even stop the menstrual flow.

My dreams were centered around the procedure. The bad part was the doctor not adhering to our game-plan. The doctor kept wanting to do things I specifically wanted him to NOT do. I was very frustrated.

When I was pregnant with JMJ, I had a series of similar dreams about giving birth. In those dreams, I was constantly at odds with the doctors. They were always telling me I had to submit to tests and procedures that I knew were harmful to the baby. In those dreams, JJ lacked the strength to help me. He was a real weenie.

In these new dreams, I am alone. I have no spouse to turn to for support. Not even a weenie. It's just me up against a team of medical professionals who treat disease, not patients.

The pregnancy dreams went away after I sat down and analyzed them. I came to the conclusion that if I didn't trust my doctors, I would just have the baby at home. That made the dreams go away.

So what do the new dreams tell me? The issue of doctor trust is present in both series of dreams. The new dreams have the added dimension of being alone. In the pregnancy dreams, I wasn't alone, but my spouse was removed from the situation or otherwise unable to help me. In the surgery dreams, I start off alone. So nothing can be taken from me.

So what is the main issue? Doctor trust? Or a lack of personal support?

Maybe both.

If I continue to have these dreams, I'll have to think about it some more.