What is He Doing To Me?

He keeps emailing me, trying to explain why he left... I know why he left. We've been talking about it for months! Today, he wrote that our issues are manageable! He has Never said that before. He has said for months that we are too different. He has said for months that we won't be able to work things out. Today, he says our issues are Manageable!

Manageable! He disagreed when I expressed that thought months ago. But then, he always disagrees with my thoughts. After all, I'm just his wife. There's no peer pressure to be considerate towards your own wife.

I resolved to not try this again. He made a decision to leave me. Twice now! If I try again, I'm just going to make myself sick. He is still the same person who left me. I am still the same person he left. I long to have him beside me. But my fear of being hurt again is stronger now. I can't let him worm his way back into my heart. He will just fill it full of holes and then move on.

When we started to seriously talk about reconcilliation in November, I asked him for one thing: to stop seeing HER. I told him, if we were to have any chance, he had to burn that bridge. I told him that as long as he had HER as a back-up plan, there was no chance for us. He said he would do it. He did not do it. He took HER to his sister's New Years' party. He arranged for HER to pick JMJ up from the ferry one recent Friday afternoon. That looks like fortifying a bridge to me.

I told him yesterday that I have been hard on him the last couple of weeks because of HER. Because he didn't burn that bridge. Because of HER, I was rude, insensitive and accusing towards him. I was pushing him to say he wasn't coming back. And it worked. He said it. I felt bad about treating him that way, so I told him why I did it. His first response?

"Will burning that bridge get us on speaking terms... if so... - it will be done."

I asked him to do that in the beginning of December. December 2, actually. He agreed it had to be done. He didn't do it. I explained why I needed him to do it. He said he understood. He didn't do it. I tried to reason with him about how it was hurting our relationship. He said he would do it. He didn't. Now, I've pushed him to the point where he said he was not coming back to me because of it. Now he acts as if all I had to do was ask.

I just don't understand how his mind works.

I'm With Stupid - NOT

I had this design in mind for my sister. The plan was to give her the shirt when her divorce was finalized. Well, she was recently dumped by her new boyfriend, and I've been feeling down, too. So, I finally designed the shirt.

I emailed it to her yesterday. She loved it! She wants to use it on party invitations.

I printed it and took it to work today. VN loved it! She wants the shirt.

Arrogant and the Center of Attention

That is what JJ said I am. He called me arrogant. I told him there is a difference between arrogance and intelligence.

Arrogance:
making claims or pretensions to superior importance or rights; overbearingly assuming; insolently proud; presumptuous, haughty, imperious, brazen.

Intelligence:
mentally acute; showing sound judgment and rationality; a natural quickness of understanding.

Arrogant does not sound like me. Sounds more like JJ, although I still wouldn't use that word to describe him. He is presumptuous, but overall arrogance is too strong a word to describe him. As for me, I am proud of my intelligence and abilities. That does not mean I elevate myself above others. So, no. I am not arrogant.

What about being the Center of Attention? JJ says I grab attention when in a group of people and try to stay at the center of the conversation. Sounds odd to me. I don't function well in groups. It's not shyness. I suffer from Selective Mutism. It's real -- look it up.

Selective Mutism is the physical inability to speak in certain social situations. The desire to speak is there, the ability is not. I have had to deal with this disorder most of my life. When I am in a group of 3 or more people, it is extremely difficult for me to say anything. The fewer people in the group that I am familiar with, the more likely I won't be able to speak. It is rare these days for me to not be able to speak at all, but it still takes an effort.

Under these conditions, how can it be possible for me to become the Center of Attention? Further, isn't the person speaking always the Center of Attention? Doesn't the group pay attention to whomever is speaking? Am I being criticized for speaking?

When I speak, I am not meek. I speak up. I speak to be heard. If no one can hear me, what's the point in speaking at all? I am not overbearing. I am not haughty. I speak with intelligence, understanding and humour. And I spend far more time listening than I spend talking. How can anyone say I just want to be the Center of Attention? Is JJ so insecure that he feels threatened when I speak? Is he so insecure, that if I spend 3 minutes relating an experience to his friends during a 1 hour conversation, he feels I have a need to be the Center of Attention?

His mother has said it, too. She even gave me a specific example: NH was building a bed for JMJ. He was showing it to us in his workshop. He has built two of them now, and has 3 more in the works. He is building them for all the grandchildren.

I have an appreciation for hand-crafted goods. My dad built a bedroom suite for himself and mom. So, I told NH about it. The result? NH and MIL thought I was being competitive! I was just sharing an experience. Isn't that what people do when they converse?

Now I'm afraid to say anything because they are going to take it the wrong way.

Guess what? I get criticized for that, too.

It's over

JJ finally said it. Rather, he emailed me. He said he wasn't going to be a coward anymore, but he emailed me -- he didn't have the guts to tell me in person. He's not coming back.

I am alone.

I've been listening to Roy Orbison all week. I'm sad. It fit my mood. I'm not finished listening to him yet. I'm not ready to be anything other than sad.

I just lost my best friend, my partner, my love. Truthfully, he's been lost a long time. Now, I know I will never find him again. I will never be with him again.

I am alone.

alone

Balance

I'm a chronic test taker. I love to take tests.

I don't take classes because I want to take tests... I take classes because I want to acquire knowledge.

I take tests to learn more about myself.

I have taken IQ tests, Left Brain / Right Brain dominance test, Gender Identity test, Aptitude Tests, Personality Tests, and many others.

Then, I analyze the results.

I have identified some of my strengths this way. But all of those test reports have one word in common: Balanced.

In fact, one test stated "You are so balanced that the people around you perceive you as unbalanced".

That means it isn't me, it really is the rest of the world!

Those are just anonymous, computer-generated test results. Who is going to believe that? What would a real psychologist say?

Well, I had my first ever counselling session two days ago. After two hours of talking, he agreed: I am very balanced.

There you have it: There is nothing wrong with my mind. And anyone who can't see that is totally off their rocker!

Most of the tests I took can be found at www.tickle.com.

I Haven't Had So Much Fun In Years!

IJ and I went to a congregation potluck dinner tonight. The food was great! Nobody cheated... it was all home-made. After dinner, a group of teens had arranged for dance music, so we danced.

IJ is only 9 years old, and was shy about dancing at first... then I taught him the Eggbeater. He really got into the dancing then. They played quite a diverse set of music... country, disco, old time rock, even some Stray Cats! We had a great time. We are both pretty worn out from it... and very sweaty.

Why pay for a fitness club? Just take me dancing!

Confrontations

I confronted my mother-in-law today. I wanted to do this way back in 2000, but JJ made me promise not to. He was worried about her response. I guess that is why I finally did it... because he is more concerned with his mothers' well-being than mine.

I use the word "confront", but my ultimate goal was to repair my relationship with MIL. She lives only 20 minutes away. The closest relative on my side of the family is 6 hours away. The kids see her alot, and I don't want to rob them of their grandparents. So, I had to talk to her.

I started the conversation with "Some things have been happening that has damaged our relationship. JJ tells me things you say, and I don't know if he is misunderstanding you, or if his recounting is accurate."

Being the genius that I am, I knew the truth would be somewhere between what JJ said and what MIL would say.

I would sure like to be a fly on the wall when they have their next conversation.

When I showed up at her house today, she had no idea what I wanted to talk about. She knew it was something serious, but I gave her no clues beforehand. I am certain she was not expecting this conversation.

I had a page of notes with me. I spent over a week thinking about what to say and how to say it. I prioritized the topics so smaller issues would be addressed first, and build up to the biggest. It worked out pretty well. JJ even gave me a couple of tips when I told him I was going to talk to his mother:

1. Don't cry. She sees that as a sign of weakness.
2. Don't raise your voice. She will see it as childish and end the conversation.

Well, my eyes leaked. They do that when I'm under severe stress. I'm not happy about it, but it happens.

I am pretty sure I managed to not raise my voice to her. On the other hand, MIL raised her voice to me three times. To be fair, the third time was part of an illustration, so I'll ammend my comment and say she raised her voice to me twice. I interrupted her twice, so it is possible I raised my voice then. Ultimately, we talked.

We talked. We argued. We disagreed. She made concessions. I made concessions. In the end, we still disagree on one big issue.


The Big Issue

She advises JJ to end our marriage. She thinks we will both be much happier apart.

I told her it is not for her to decide. I told her JJ is not her, that his experience is different from hers. It is possible for two people to work out their differences and save a marriage -- as long as both parties are commited to doing it.

I used my parents as an example. My sister and I were discussing mom and dad's marriage recently. She calls them the exception that proves the rule. They married young. They developed different interests over the years. And they stayed together. When one of them changes, the other adapts. This has been going on for 40 years now. And I don't expect that to change.

That is when MIL used my argument against me... She said that I am not my parents, that my experience is different from theirs. I'm not sure what she hoped to accomplish with that statement, but it did not phase me. It was an unanticipated comment from her, and I answered it promptly with "I'm not my parents. My parents are my example."

She dropped that line of reasoning.

I just had a thought: My parents are my example, but they do not tell me what to do. When I talk to them, they listen. They give a minimum of advice, and that advice is based on what I want. They do not tell me what to do. MIL did not do that when JJ confided in her. She just told him to leave me. She did not deny she said that to him, so it must be true.

Now I'm annoyed with myself. That sums up what I wanted to communicate to her: That her job as parent is to help, not to dictate.

The last item up for discussion was something she said to JJ only a week ago.

The Situation
I became extremely depressed. I didn't sleep for 2 nights -- I estimate about 60 hours awake. I lost my appetite. Thinking about food made me want to vomit. I experienced a bout of uncontrolable crying. I was light-headed and shakey. I stopped driving because I couldn't concentrate.

JJ and I were talking regularly that weekend. I told him what was going on with me. First thing Monday morning, I saw my doctor. He gave me a prescription and a phone number. When I came out of the drug store, I found JJ parked beside my car. He caught an early ferry because he was worried about me. It is the sweetest thing he has ever done.

He told his mother I was ill, and that I was having a really hard time with the separation. She told him I was not having a hard time, and that I was faking illness in order to manipulate him into staying with me. When he tried to explain to her how I was feeling, she refused to listen.

What We Said About It
When I brought up this subject, MIL started shaking. Lupus sometimes gives her the shakes, but this was much more. She spoke slowly, trying to find the right words, trying to explain to me what she meant that night. She did not deny anything I said.

And she did not address "manipulation".

I called her on that... I told her that is the issue we need to discuss. It was during this discussion that she raised her voice to me.

From her point of view, if I tell JJ anything about my life, I am trying to manipulate him. She even accused me of wanting him to come back! My reply to that was "Of course I want him to come back!" Wasn't she there for our conversation? It looked like she was. It sounded like she was.

I was not there to convince her JJ and I should be together. I was there to tell her JJ needs to make his own decisions. I seem to have a better grasp on that fact than she does.

After all that, we had some pleasant conversation about other stuff... just like we do when we meet for coffee. I even got invited to stay for supper. Pizza was ordered, we ate with pleasant conversation, and I took the leftover pizza home for the kids' supper.

That is what happened. We were talking / discussing / arguing for 3 hours. We cleared some things up. And we know where each other stands in regards to our differences.

I feel good about this. I've opened lines of communication that were previously closed. She can't go around making assumptions about me, because I've told her where I stand.

Yes. This is good.

Aptitude: a natural or acquired capacity or ability ; a tendency, capacity, or inclination to learn or understand.

I have an aptitude for mathematics. I have an aptitude for language. I have an aptitude for visual/spatial relationships, communication, creativity, teaching, logic, and many other things.

So, what do I do for a living? What do I do for fun?

I manage an income tax preparation office. I prepare personal income tax returns... everything from the most simple paid employee to the more complicated self-employed and capital gains scenarios. I teach Tax School every fall. I train new employees every January. I do research to learn about any new tax scenario a client brings me. I track our use of supplies and make sure we don't run out. I deal with the government so my clients don't have to. I rotate posters throughout tax season to keep the window display fresh. I display my own artwork in the office. I rented a carpet cleaner and cleaned all the carpets and upholstery in the office. I chose the locations for the desks, waiting room, coffee station and floor plants.

I do many different jobs at work.

For fun, I like taking my dogs to the beach, bike riding, playing cards or board games with the kids, maintaining my website (I program raw HTML), cooking, sewing, basketball, baseball, hockey, camping, fishing, driving, rennovating, gardening, carpentry.

I have an aptitude for these things... I know how to do them, I'm good at doing them, and I enjoy doing them.

What I don't have an aptitude for is housework.

I know how to clean, but I am not good at it, and I do not enjoy it. Cleaning isn't Rocket Science... so it holds no interest for me.

That doesn't mean I don't want a clean house. I'm just not capable of cleaning it. So why am I expected to? The answer is simple: I was born Female.

I was born Female. Therefore, it is expected that I cannot fix my own car, cannot build new kitchen cabinets, cannot do well at sports, cannot shovel the snow off my own roof. Well, guess what -- I taught my husband how to do an oil change. I've been doing oil changes longer than I've been driving. I've been surrounded by wood working tools all my life, and I am quite capable of using them. I have alot of stamina and endurance, and I love to play sports. And I had no trouble whatsoever shoveling my roof this winter.

If I watch a friends' baseball game, no one wonders why I'm not playing. If I hire someone to do any of these chores, no one criticizes me for it.

So why am I looked down on for being a poor housekeeper? I do not have an aptitude for it. It is tedious, boring work with no job satisfaction. If a job can never be finished, there is never a point where you can say "look what I have done" and enjoy it.

As soon as a floor is clean, it is walked on. As soon as the bathroom is clean, someone uses it. As soon as the last dish is washed, someone has a drink. As soon as the laundry is finished, someone changes for bed. The job is never done, so there is never any satisfaction from doing it.

I will do anything to get out of doing housework. My dad once offered to wash the supper dishes if I would go outside and fill the woodbox. I took him up on it. The dishwasher was already loaded... there were only a few dishes that needed to be washed by hand. Maybe a 10 minute job. But I chose to go outside, at -40', in the dark, through 3 feet of snow, and pack wood from the pile out back into the garage. The woodbox held a 3 day supply, and it was completely empty. It took me over an hour to do that job. And I felt really good about it. But if I had chosen to not do that job, no one would have criticized me for it. After all, it is physical labour, and I was born female.

On the other hand, if my husband forgets to clean the litter box, or he's too tired to wash the dishes and leaves them for tomorow, or he leaves his coffee cup in the living room, I get plenty of criticism. Never mind that it is his job to keep the litter box clean. Never mind that he is supposed to wash the dishes when I make supper. Never mind that everyone is supposed to take their own dirty dishes to the kitchen. I am the one who is criticized when it doesn't get done.

Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a capable wife. I do fit into that description.

Pr 31:13 "...she works at whatever is the delight of her hands."
Yes, I work hard at the things I enjoy.

Pr 31:18 "She has sensed that her trading is good...."
Pr 31: 24 "She has made even undergarments and proceeded to sell them, and belts she has given to the tradesmen."
That sounds like work outside of the home to me.

Pr 31:27 "She is watching over the goings-on of her household...."
Two thoughts on this one: 1) I know what my kids are up to. 2) I need to make sure everything gets done.

So that is exactly what I have done... I hired a housekeeper. That will make sure everything gets done. My husband was not happy about that... but he doesn't live with me anyway. He thinks it is too expensive. I pointed out that it will cost me less per week than a babysitter... and my kids don't need a babysitter anymore. Therefore, I can afford it.

I will continue doing the things I have an aptitude for... and hiring out the things I do not. Just like everyone else.

"Give her the fruitage of her hands, and let her works praise her." Pr 31:31