Power Portrait

The photo of me I have posted here is a very special photo. It is a self-portrait (with a little help from my kids).

Technical:
I used a 30 second exposure at f5.6 on a Cannon AE1 52mm lens.

Incidental:
It was shot in November, when the nights are dark, in my back yard with all lights turned off. We were carrying flashlights to see what we were doing. One kid operated the camera while the other "drew" me with glow sticks. He was still short back then, so he couldn't reach the top of my head.

We had alot of fun playing with the glow sticks in the dark. I had been planning the shoot all summer... it just never got dark enough for us to do it until Fall. Then JJ left me -- it was our first separation -- 2003.

The landlords had sold the house, so we needed to do the photo shoot before we moved. There would be too much light pollution at the new house -- our new neighbours would live much closer to us than in this house.

Significance:
The kids and I shot off a whole roll of film that night. We tried alot of different things. This is the only shot of me. I have called it my "Power Portrait" since the first time I laid eyes on it. I love the way there is nothing at the top of my head: the light is unable to contain me; I exude so much energy, so much power, that I cannot be contained. The light, which is usually associated with power, has no choice but to yield to me.

In Closing:
This portrait is my visual representation of my separation. The power and the strength that I need shine through the darkness to defeat it.

I am strong.

I Got Off My Butt And Did Something About It

After not hearing from FdM for 24 hours, I drove to his place. I was worried about him. I buzzed up to his apartment, and shortly after, I heard his voice on the intercom. I was so relieved!

I've been stressed about not hearing from him all day. It built up to the point where I had no appetite, and even felt sick to my stomach. The only other time I have ever felt stress to that point was when JJ left me.

FdM came out and we went to a nearby coffee shop. We sat and had tea together and talked for a couple hours. He kept trying to get me to order some food. I told him I was too stressed to eat. He said he would feel better if I ate something. I said "too bad... I can't eat right now."

I'm hungry now... I think I will eat soon.

FdM said "I'm sorry I upset you. You can yell at me tomorow." I told him I didn't need to yell at him. I was worried, not angry.

I need to talk to him about a few things. I didn't bring any of them up today, though. He was pretty tired when I saw him. I'll talk to him when he's more alert. I need to talk to him about itineraries, events and work.

To keep busy today, I did some of the dirty little jobs I've been putting off. I went after the mice.
I bought a can of expanding foam and filled in some of the holes the mice are using. The cupboards above the stove needed to be completely cleaned out... looks like the mice have been there for a while. I threw out all of the food in those cupboards. I just don't feel like consuming the sealed packages when so many opened packages have been decimated by the rodents. It ALL got thrown out.

Now I need to make a trip to the dump.

When I opened the cupboard, I saw a great big mouse climb up the pipe in the corner, and into the ceiling.

That hole has been filled now.

I filled the holes where the water pipes run through IJs bedroom from the bathroom to the kitchen. Now the mice can't use his room as a highway.

I opened up the wall to look at the hot water heater again... the hole in the floor next to it is huge! It extends under the bathtub so far that I can't see how far it goes. That is where they are getting into the house.

I don't know how I'm going to repair that.

I was thinking about the mice running around in the ceiling... and decided to check the furnace chimney. Good thing I did... there is a large space the mice can use to get in and out of the ceiling there. The furnace has no pilot light, so I can safely use the spray-foam to fill that hole. I'll have to do that tomorow. I used up all my foam today.

Hmm... the water heater also has a chimney. I better check that out tomorow, too.

Once I was done cleaning and foaming, I took off my rubber gloves and my disposable overalls and threw them in the trash. I washed up, then mopped all the floors with a bleach solution. I'm doing that frequently right now.

Then I went to FdMs place.

So, that was my day.

Now I'm ready for something to eat. Then maybe I'll do some sewing or painting for a little while.

I'm doing the outside of my bedroom door in an early-Mondrian style.

It's going to look so cool.

Self-Portrait



Doesn't that look like me? Remember: I'm a Surrealist. Things are not always what they seem.

No clip-art was used in the creation of this portrait. Every element was photographed by me. I could say this work was 25 years in the making -- that's how old the picture of my dog is.

Every element in the photo is significant:

• The rainbow is a promise from God. Promises kept demonstrate loyalty, which is a characteristic I value highly.
• I love water. I love the way it photographs. I love swimming. I feel completely at home in the water.
• My dog is a faithful companion. My dog loves me unconditionally. That displays loyalty, which I have said I value highly.
• I love colour. Bright, contrasting colour. The flowers are a wonderful collection of colour. They are also my Garden of Delights... yes, in a sexual sense -- vivid, diverse and growing.
• Duct Tape has many, many uses. When I packed Duct Tape in my emergency kit, my kids asked me what it was for. I replied "I don't know yet." It is useful in so many ways. One is never truly prepared unless one has Duct Tape on hand.
• Calculator: I love math. I work with numbers. What more can I say? Oh yeah... the display reads "42". (If you don't understand, ask Douglas Adams.)
• Tools: Growing up, I learned that if something is broken, you fix it. My dad could fix anything! He was great at building, too. So, it just came naturally for me to do the same. I'm very capable.
• Art Supplies: I am an artist. I am an Art School graduate. I work in various media. It only made sense for an appendage to be devoted to art.
• Axe: Self-reliance. I enjoy camping. I like wood heat. It is necessary to use an axe in those contexts. It is just another tool. And the source of one of my favourite scars.
• Bandaids: For this photo, I put a bandaid on every scratch, scrape, bruise and scar on my legs. These are positive things. These superficial imperfections represent my life -- always out doing things. When I am active, I sometimes sustain minor injuries. Mowing the lawn, riding a bike, hiking, cutting firewood. My scars are special to me because each one has a story about something I was doing.
• Candle: Romance. Peaceful. The quality of the light given off by a candle is warm and soft. I enjoy watching the flame dance in the slightest air current. Capturing this dance on film has been a challenge. A peaceful, quiet, soothing challenge. A good mood for romance.
• Amber: I rarely wear jewellery. I came across this piece of amber after about 5 months of separation. It was large, and it was uncarved. It was gorgeous! And the shape... I see a human figure jumping for joy, arms reaching upwards. This figure represents joy and freedom -- a release from former trials. I was far from that joy when I purchased it. I am much closer to that joy now. I wear it when I'm feeling particularly depressed. Or if I am in an especially good mood. It is a very special piece to me.
• Lingerie: One of my favourite things. I'm a blue-jeans-and-tee-shirt girl. I like to dress for an active lifestyle -- always ready to do. At home, in the quiet of the evening, I like to dress in something special, for some special time with someone special. It's special.
• Books: Not just any books. These titles are all from my personal collection. Well, two of them are borrowed -- but I still chose to read them. Books are knowledge. Books are adventure. Books are entertainment. Books are useful. I can never have too many books.
• Camera: I bought a digital camera a couple years ago. I got into the habit of using it for all my photography needs. Recently, I shot a roll of film on my "real" camera. I was stunned by the results! The quality is so much higher than my digital. I have so much control over so many factors. I must use it more often. I studied photography for 3 years in Art School. I have a store of knowledge about my camera that is so ingrained in me that I use techniques without even thinking about what I'm doing. The results are fabulous! I can't see me ever using digital exclusively.
• Ladybugs: I'm not even sure how many are in the picture. I photographed them all myself. Ladybugs represent science. As a child, I thought they were pretty. When I had children of my own, I learned alot about them. I would take my kids outside and we would observe the ladybugs in their habitat, making note of their behaviour and their interactions with other bugs. We would identify the type of ladybug by examining their dots. We saw ladybugs walking, resting, mating, eating and being eaten. We saw ladybug larvae and pupae. We learned so much about ladybugs through personal observation. It rekindled the excitement I had for science when I was in grade school. When my oldest son started kindergarten, he didn't know the alphabet, but he could describe in detail the life-cycle of a ladybug. Ladybugs picture an important dimension of my personality... a love of learning, and learning hands-on.

Nap Day Today

I just felt like taking a nap all day. I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep because the neighbour was playing her music too loud. Her husband died at work recently, so I don't want to go complain. The kids missed the bus this morning because I slept in, so I had to drive them to school. I was awake by then, so I went into the office to catch up on some work. We were closed today, so no clients bothered me.

FdM and I walked over to the local coffee shop for lunch. We haven't done that for a while. It was a nice change of pace.

I had a chiropractor visit... put my back out when we moved the office. I said to the chiro: "it feels like a nap day today." She agreed. Pretty soon, everyone in her office was wanting a nap!

It was difficult to concentrate on the way back to the office, so I called it a day. Wandered through Liquidation World -- found some art supplies for the kids -- then went home. I made a batch of fudge, played with some recent photos I shot (working on a self-portrait), and ate dinner. I was really ready for bed then. But I have kids to take care of.

I took a nice, hot bath while IJ watched "Return of the Jedi". When I got out, I had my favorite jeans, fluffy socks and sweatshirt in the dryer warming up. By the time I was dressed, IJs movie was over. Right now, he is finishing his homework, then having a snack and going to bed. JMJ should be home from his friends house by then, and I will finally be able to go to bed!

But will I be able to go to sleep?

I received some new books from Amazon this week. So, in addition to being woke up by the neighbour early every morning, I haven't been going to sleep until after midnight because I'm reading!

If I go to bed when the kids do, I should be able to do a bit of reading. I'll have to enforce a one-chapter rule. That's hard to do -- I don't listen to myself very well.

I better get going, or I'll be up all night again.

Miscellaneous Items

• Surgery Update I had my surgery on March 28. Three weeks later, I saw the GYN for a check-up. He said it could take up to six months to fully heal. I will know by then how successful the surgery was. Well, I'm already happy with the results. My last period was so much lighter than they have been the last few years. A couple of days ago, I had to check my calendar to find out when my last period was... it felt like so long since I've had one. It ended only 3 weeks ago. Before surgery, I had only 1.5-2 weeks between periods. This is great! And it may become better still! I can't wait!
• Antidepressants I wanted to wean myself off the Zoloft once tax season was over. Near the end of April, I started taking only 50mg/day. I had been taking 75mg/day for the previous 8 months or so. After about a month of 50mg, I started taking 25mg. After about 2 weeks of that, I started to feel the effects of the reduced dose. I didn't recognize them at first. I had a general feeling of "not right". I felt like I needed to cry, but could not determine why. I became irritable. I went back to 50mg about 10 days ago. I feel normal now. Or, at least, what passes for normal. I'm really not sure what "normal" is anymore.
• FdM has been out of town for a week. He said he would call me while he was away, but I haven't heard from him. He is expected to arrive home tonight. I'll call him tomorow if I don't hear from him first. On my last trip, I had an awful time finding a payphone that would work. I tried to call FdM, but the phones just couldn't deal with long-distance calls. I don't know if that happened to FdM or not. I'll find out soon.
• Puppy I found a new home for the puppy. He was 8 months old. A young couple was looking for a young dog. They live near the beach, and don't have close neighbours. They walk alot. That puppy needs alot of walking! They are able to give him the attention and exercise I wasn't able to give him. HJ seems much happier now that the puppy is gone. His breed was developed to be submissive, but I think it is a relief to him to have the dominant dog out of the house. HJ and I do the things we used to do before I got the puppy. We go for walks... just the two of us. I take him to the office... he is well-behaved there. He gets to go for car rides... he will come along when I run to the store. He doesn't get to go outside and run around, but he really enjoys the ride. We are enjoying spending time together. When the puppy was in the house, I left HJ at home, too, when I couldn't take the puppy somewhere. Puppy barked too much when he was home alone. This was a good move for all of us!
• Organizing my Bedroom IJ was looking for the old Nintendo, and he was sure it was in a box in my room. So, he helped me organize my room. JJ left boxes and junk piled so high in there that I didn't know what was there anymore. Now, I've removed several bags of garbage, taken several bags to the Thrift Shop, and have a pile of JJs stuff for him to haul away. I almost have a room again! And, IJ found the Nintendo, so he is happy, too. Once JJs stuff is gone, I will have room to repack the remaining boxes. That may reduce the volume of stuff by as much as 50%. Best of all: I found the negatives of my 1984 trip to Paris... I've been looking for those since I bought my scanner last year.
• Artwork FdM asked me a couple months ago to create a portrait of him. I gave it to him a month ago. Yesterday, I was thinking that I should do one of myself in the same style. It was fun creating the first one... so this should be fun, too. I was up late last night sketching in bed. I have my basic layout figured out. Today, I bought a big bouquet of mixed flowers and did my first photo shoot. For the FdM portrait, I pasted together clip-art. For my own portrait, I'll be pasting together my own photos. Not because I'm more important than he is. Because I know more about myself, and have access to meaningful items that can be used for the project.
• Dreams I've been keeping my Dream Journal. I've consistently remembered two dreams per night since I started. Last night, I woke up at 4:20am, but just didn't feel like writing my dream down. In the morning, I still remembered it. As well as the one I had just awakened from. I didn't have time to write them both down... I had kids to get ready for school. So, I wrote only the second one. Parts of the first dream are still with me... I just don't feel motivated to write it down. It should be forgotten by tomorow. I think I will continue to not write at 4am. If I remember in the morning, I will write it then... unless I feel compelled to write at 4am. I'll have to take it as it comes. Decide as I go. I just want to get enough sleep!

What a Beautiful Day

The sun was shining, but it wasn't too hot. No arguements with the kids. Work was quiet, but not boring. FdM gave me a really nice hug this morning.

I can't complain about this day.

I even got to show some artwork to a client. Not a tax client... somebody has hired me to design a logo for a new business.

It was the best of all possible art jobs... I was told the name of the business, and given a description of their activities. I had no other input from the client... I got to let my imagination run free!

I do my best work under those conditions.

I put together three different ideas... one was text-only, and then two different graphics, with a few different variations of each idea.

I was thrilled when the client liked my favourite one best!

He has good taste.

So I spent another couple of hours tonight cleaning up the graphics and making some other minor changes that were requested. I now have another half dozen variations of the chosen design to present tomorow.

This is fun!

The strange part is, when I was attending Art School, I hated Graphic Design. I found it to be terribly boring work.

Of course, we didn't have computers back then.

Now, I can copy and paste and manipulate my design all I want. I don't have to start from scratch each time I want to make a change. I can get my variations done in an hour, instead of a week.

Then, to top off the day, FdM called to say "goodnight".

What a beautiful day!

What is Your Passion?

That is what FdM asked me.

I am an art school graduate. I majored in photography, but don't feel bound to that medium. The creative process is the same no matter the media.

Right now, I have little time for creative pursuits. I am a single mom, and I manage an income tax office. I like taking my kids on road trips in the summer. I enjoy volunteering at school events and driving for field trips. I love taking my dogs to the beach for a good run. I read alot -- fantasy, science fiction, science, history, biography, the bible.

I do alot of diverse things.

FdM wanted to know why I don't do more art. What's holding me back? What's my passion?

I was thinking about it a couple of days after he asked. I was annoyed. Why would he ask that question so persistently? I enjoy alot of things. Why do I need to have one passion? Why do I need to create artwork just because I went to art school? Why can't he accept education for educations' sake?

That's when it hit me. My passion is Knowledge. Formal education gave me Knowledge. Reading books gives me Knowledge. Experiencing new things gives me Knowledge. Observing the world gives me Knowledge. Talking to people gives me Knowledge.

That is the one thing I can never have too much of. That is the purpose of everything I do.

That is my passion.

Knowledge.

Aptitude: a natural or acquired capacity or ability ; a tendency, capacity, or inclination to learn or understand.

I have an aptitude for mathematics. I have an aptitude for language. I have an aptitude for visual/spatial relationships, communication, creativity, teaching, logic, and many other things.

So, what do I do for a living? What do I do for fun?

I manage an income tax preparation office. I prepare personal income tax returns... everything from the most simple paid employee to the more complicated self-employed and capital gains scenarios. I teach Tax School every fall. I train new employees every January. I do research to learn about any new tax scenario a client brings me. I track our use of supplies and make sure we don't run out. I deal with the government so my clients don't have to. I rotate posters throughout tax season to keep the window display fresh. I display my own artwork in the office. I rented a carpet cleaner and cleaned all the carpets and upholstery in the office. I chose the locations for the desks, waiting room, coffee station and floor plants.

I do many different jobs at work.

For fun, I like taking my dogs to the beach, bike riding, playing cards or board games with the kids, maintaining my website (I program raw HTML), cooking, sewing, basketball, baseball, hockey, camping, fishing, driving, rennovating, gardening, carpentry.

I have an aptitude for these things... I know how to do them, I'm good at doing them, and I enjoy doing them.

What I don't have an aptitude for is housework.

I know how to clean, but I am not good at it, and I do not enjoy it. Cleaning isn't Rocket Science... so it holds no interest for me.

That doesn't mean I don't want a clean house. I'm just not capable of cleaning it. So why am I expected to? The answer is simple: I was born Female.

I was born Female. Therefore, it is expected that I cannot fix my own car, cannot build new kitchen cabinets, cannot do well at sports, cannot shovel the snow off my own roof. Well, guess what -- I taught my husband how to do an oil change. I've been doing oil changes longer than I've been driving. I've been surrounded by wood working tools all my life, and I am quite capable of using them. I have alot of stamina and endurance, and I love to play sports. And I had no trouble whatsoever shoveling my roof this winter.

If I watch a friends' baseball game, no one wonders why I'm not playing. If I hire someone to do any of these chores, no one criticizes me for it.

So why am I looked down on for being a poor housekeeper? I do not have an aptitude for it. It is tedious, boring work with no job satisfaction. If a job can never be finished, there is never a point where you can say "look what I have done" and enjoy it.

As soon as a floor is clean, it is walked on. As soon as the bathroom is clean, someone uses it. As soon as the last dish is washed, someone has a drink. As soon as the laundry is finished, someone changes for bed. The job is never done, so there is never any satisfaction from doing it.

I will do anything to get out of doing housework. My dad once offered to wash the supper dishes if I would go outside and fill the woodbox. I took him up on it. The dishwasher was already loaded... there were only a few dishes that needed to be washed by hand. Maybe a 10 minute job. But I chose to go outside, at -40', in the dark, through 3 feet of snow, and pack wood from the pile out back into the garage. The woodbox held a 3 day supply, and it was completely empty. It took me over an hour to do that job. And I felt really good about it. But if I had chosen to not do that job, no one would have criticized me for it. After all, it is physical labour, and I was born female.

On the other hand, if my husband forgets to clean the litter box, or he's too tired to wash the dishes and leaves them for tomorow, or he leaves his coffee cup in the living room, I get plenty of criticism. Never mind that it is his job to keep the litter box clean. Never mind that he is supposed to wash the dishes when I make supper. Never mind that everyone is supposed to take their own dirty dishes to the kitchen. I am the one who is criticized when it doesn't get done.

Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a capable wife. I do fit into that description.

Pr 31:13 "...she works at whatever is the delight of her hands."
Yes, I work hard at the things I enjoy.

Pr 31:18 "She has sensed that her trading is good...."
Pr 31: 24 "She has made even undergarments and proceeded to sell them, and belts she has given to the tradesmen."
That sounds like work outside of the home to me.

Pr 31:27 "She is watching over the goings-on of her household...."
Two thoughts on this one: 1) I know what my kids are up to. 2) I need to make sure everything gets done.

So that is exactly what I have done... I hired a housekeeper. That will make sure everything gets done. My husband was not happy about that... but he doesn't live with me anyway. He thinks it is too expensive. I pointed out that it will cost me less per week than a babysitter... and my kids don't need a babysitter anymore. Therefore, I can afford it.

I will continue doing the things I have an aptitude for... and hiring out the things I do not. Just like everyone else.

"Give her the fruitage of her hands, and let her works praise her." Pr 31:31

Reasons we Married / Separated

I read a few years ago that the reasons people give for breaking up are often the same as the reasons they got married in the first place.

The example they gave was "I married him because he was the life of the party and I wanted to be more like him". "I'm leaving him because he always wants to go out, never wants to just spend time at home with me alone."

Let's see if this applies to JJ and me.

We met at Art School. I needed someone to help me do some research, and he volunteered. I picked him up after dark, and we went to the cemetary. I was making a model of a cemetary, and needed to take a close look at one -- the layout, headstone shapes, dates and any other details.

I remember him saying, as we were headed back to my car, "Any girl who goes to a cemetary in the middle of the night to feel up headstones can't be too bad."

A few months ago, he told me that he became attracted to me that night. I was unusual. He liked that I was willing to do odd things. He liked the way I looked in my blue jeans and T-shirt. The way I dressed reflected my personality... that I was always ready to go out and do things, not afraid to get my hands dirty.

So, why did he leave me?

One of his complaints is that I don't dress nice. All I ever wear is blue jeans and a T-shirt. Why can't I be more like other women? Fuss with my hair, grow my fingernails long, wear a dress?

There we have it. The theory holds true in this case. There are, of course, more reasons for the break-up. But this thing about how I look and act is a really big deal to him... and it is the one thing that hasn't changed in the slightest since he met me.

In summary, the first things that attracted him to me are now among the things that are driving him away.

Odd.