What Is It Like To Be Drunk?

I have never analyzed what it feels like to be drunk before.

So, here it goes.

I have had 2 ciders, followed by 2 glasses of Apfel Korn (I think I had 2).

I am typing slowly. I am rocking back and forth, or side to side, as the mood takes me. I guess, in general, my head is swimming. It only took the two ciders to reach that point.

I can't walk a straight line... I touch anything solid I see as I walk past it to ensure my stability (physical, not mental).

My tongue is numb. My chin and cheeks also. Other parts of my body seem to have the same sensitivity to touch as normal (arms, hands, legs, feet). It takes a moment for my eyes to focus on the screen if I look away for a moment.

I make more typos.

I am more indecisive. I have backspaced over sentences, only to type the exact same thing again.

I have my wits about me enough to know I absolutely cannot drive... and I believe that if I have one more drink, I will be puking soon afterwards.

My nose is also numb.

Strange, the order that I notice these things.

My priorites seem to be different. I am planning to go to bed soon, without brushing my teeth.

Right now, I am thinking about having a glass of water... I remember Grandma telling me once that she never got hangovers... because she always drank a glass of water before bed. A cousin also told me once that if he woke up with a headache, he would drink a full glass of water, and go back to bed for a half hour to prevent a hang over.

My tummy isn't entirely pleased with me at the moment. I don't know if a glass of water will settle it, or make me puke. I guess if I puke, it is something I need to do.

I usually trust that my body knows what is best for me. I fulfill it's cravings, and honour it's aversions.

A glass of water is an aversion at the moment.

I think I will have one anyway.

Or, at least I will brush my teeth and drink as much water as I can tolerate. The mint in the toothpaste makes me thirsty. Maybe that will help.

If it doesn't, I guess I will be taking some tylenol in the morning.

I'm Listening to Roy Orbison Tonight

I'm feeling very much alone.

The kids have been with their dad for a week now. I haven't seen FdM in nearly three weeks. We speak on the phone most days, but haven't been able to get together. One or the other of us is always busy.

FdM invited me out to a movie Tuesday. I couldn't make it... I go out Tuesday nights. So, he said Wednesday. Wednesday came along, and he ended up busy. So, he said Thursday. I couldn't... I have a regular Thursday night event. Friday, then. I drove DL into the city for an appointment Friday morning, and we were late getting back. I called FdM as soon as I was home, but it was too late for us to get together. He said Saturday. He had to work until 4:00. He called me at 4:30 to tell me he would be there until closing... 5:30. Now it is after 9:00 and I haven't seen or heard from him again.

I'm crushed.

I'm listening to Roy Orbison, just feeling sad. I don't want to feel anything else right now... this deep sadness is all I can handle.

I'm going to have a drink.

My eyes are leaking.

Great big drops of water keep rolling out of my eyes and down my cheeks. It makes my nose run.

I missed supper tonight. I was waiting to hear from FdM. I ate some strawberries while I made a Pavlova. I shelled some peas later and ate them. No actual meal, though.

I'm a little hungry, but I have no interest in food right now.

I'm too depressed.

I met JJ at the Court House when DL and I were in the city. We have completed our 1-year separation, so I prepared the next batch of paperwork for the divorce. We both needed to be there to sign papers this time. We were told it is currently taking 6 to 8 weeks to process them right now.

I have spent more time with JJ in the last two weeks than I have spent with FdM.

That really depresses me.

Every time I hear a vehicle outside, I feel a little glimmer of hope that it is FdM. That's a tough part about living in a trailer park... my neighbours are so close, I can't tell if a vehicle has parked in front of my place, or theirs. My dog can't tell the difference, either. He gets excited and starts barking, which gets my hopes up. Nobody walks up to my door. We are still alone.

On the positive side, JJ is looking awful. He is looking very old. He used to spend alot of time on his hair... now he doesn't have very much hair, and a bad haircut to go with it. His skin has a leathery look to it, and he looks tired. Overall, he just looks alot older. If I stood him next to his father, I think it would be tough for a stranger to figure out which one was the son.

I don't know what happened to FdM. Did he fall asleep after work? Was he in a car accident? Did he have a last-minute meeting with someone?

I hate not knowing.

I just heard some awfully loud noises in the kitchen. I put on the oven mitts and opened a cupboard door. I finally saw one of the rodents... it was a mouse. From the amount of noise it made, I was afraid it might be a rat. I'm glad it's a mouse. I hope my ratzapper comes soon.

I better not stay up all night stressing about FdM. I'll finish my glass of wine and go to bed. I'll read for a while and hopefully fall asleep.

I'm sure he will call in the morning.

Drunk

Yup, I did. I drank several Caramel Apples -- 2 parts caramel schnapps (375 ml in total), 1 part appfel korn.

Yummy

Earlier this evening, I thought I might not sleep at all tonight. Now, I'm expecting to read for a little while, and maybe wake up in a couple of hours because my light is still on.

I guess I'll know by morning.

What Happens when you hand a keyboard over to someone who is Drinking?

Yeah, I'm drunk. I just felt like it. It is pretty rare... I went to the liquor store and got a 6 pack of cider... I don't know why, but the cider gives me that buzz pretty quickly. I'm only half way through my third, and I'm backspacing as much as I'm typing right now.

JJ said he plans to catch the first ferry Sat. morn. and will go back on the last ferry Sat. eve. He has a cold, and since his mother just got out of surgery, he doesn't want to risk giving it to her by staying there. And, just as he doesn't think I should stay at his place, he doesn't think he should stay at mine.

JJ has been at his new job 3 months now, and he wants me to help him decide what level of bennefits he wants. It's nice that he has some choices.... none of his previous jobs has given him a choice.

VN has been transferred to the Local hospital. She feels much better being out of the big city hospital and being closer to home. She should be discharged in the next couple of days. So, that gives me something to do while JJ is visiting the kids at my place. I can always spend my time at the hospital. She will be staying with me for a while once she is out. At least then I won't be totally alone... I'll have another adult I can talk to.

I haven't spent alot of time feeling alone... but I have since my last cry. I've had VN's dog here since she went into hospital... a 7 year old St Bernard named R. I love having her here. My dog, J, loves her being here. PC isn't impressed... but then, when is a cat impressed? The hardest part about having R. here is that when the kids say something to R., I think they are talking to me.

Cider #3 is done.

Wow, this is unusual. I opened a 4th cider. 3 is rare, 4 almost unheard of.

I must be depressed.

I bought season 5 of 21 Jump Street today. The kids thought it was a cool s how. So, when I went back to the store to get some Tylenol, I bought season 4. Mostly, I just wanted to see Johnny Depp. I've been spending an awful lot on videos since I cancelle cable. I guess that wasn't a very good idea.

And now I'm letting some typos get by... I must be ready to go to bed.

Mabye soon.

I'm still working on my family tree. VN often tells me about conversat9ons she has had with AP. She sa9d something recently that me beli9eve he is related to JJ. So, I printed a list of Ps from the family tree, which she showed to him, and sure e nough, he is relate.d. But since she jad jer accident, I haven't met AP yet. HOwever, he did phone me when he heard she was in hospital, to make sure I new about it.e I hope I can meet him soon. We don't even k now each other, and he is thinking of me as family. ONce VN is out o fhoospital, We wo;; have to go see him.

Wow. Lo ts of typos

And I don't even care.

It mst be time to get to bed.

I just don't feel like it.

I've found that if I go to bed too early, I wakeup very early... like 3am. And tha ti s if I go to bed at 10:30 instead of 11:00. Pretty weird. I go to sleep at 11:00, and I dont wake up until afeter 7:00. I go to bed at 10:30, and i wake up at e 3:00. I'm up pretty late tonight, so I'll probablyu be asleep whe n JJ gets heere arounds 8: 30 .

I let my alarm go off on weekends at the same time as weekedays . I'm truying to stay on a schedule. It makes life easier. I hink I'll turn it off tonight.

I'm sure glad I know how to tuype,... I shudder thio think what this would look like if I couldn'tl.


I need to get osme sleep. I just don't feel like ti.

Cioder #4 done.

Ju mp Street sill plalying on TB. R sleeping at my fee. t. J sleeping on the ocuch. My logical self saying I should just og to bed. Tjomking about going to bed. Thinking about opeingin an other cider.

Trying to talk byself ou tof it.

Well, that centence should do it.

NOt yet, though.

DVD just ended, so I hit Play again. I've alway s liked Johnny Deppl. Never realized how good looing Peter DeLouise was until now.

I wonder if I'll be embarrased by this post tomorow.

I'm typing awfully slow now.

Just opened cider #5. good thing they only com ein a 6 pack.

Typing slow. Walking slow. I've only don e this a half zoden dimtes in my life... when I was 19, when I first moved into this place, and nowl. Good thing ciders come only in 6 packs.

I'm babbling. Can't help myself. Forgive me.

Feel numbe... physically. Not sure metntally. That's why I make plans bedfore drinking. Can't think straight enough to be responsible. Can't believe how slow I'm typing. That's why , when I'm out drining, I decide ahead of time how I'm getting home. I always put cab fare in a separate pocket before going out. Then I would always have a safe way home.

here I ajm babbleing again.

VBut I'm safe.

Good night.

(not even half way throuth cider#5. Going to bed now. )

R

Anatomy of a Roller Coaster Ride

Day 1 He decides he is not happy and moves out.
Day 2 He asks me to go to marriage counselling.
Day 4 He won't return my phone calls.
Day 7 He says he wants to be friends.
Day 9 He gets jealous at the idea that I might remarry some day.
Day 10 He helps me get my sister's car fixed.
Day 12 He tells me he's been drinking alot since moving out.
Day 17 He lends me his car.
Day 18 He reads my email.
Day 22 He chastises me for having a few drinks one night since he moved out.

Yes, it really happened that fast -- no exaggeration. I wish I could say the rollercoaster has stopped, but it hasn't yet. And due to the nature of Roller Coasters, it is impossible to know when the ride is over. Every twist in the track has the potential to take you further from the end... or suddenly arrive at your destination. The ride only has to stop once, but just when it looks as if it is over, it will take a sudden turn, taking you into yet another series of gut-wrenching ups and downs.