Recovery

Recovery has gone very well. Cramping the day of surgery was minimal. Just Tylenol was sufficient for pain management. I spent the rest of the day lying on the couch with a hot water bottle, taking short naps.

In the middle of the night, I woke up with some discomfort, so I got up and took some more Tylenol. A half hour later, I was asleep.

The second day, I was still a little wobbly from the sedatives. I walked slowly, and was careful about lifting things. Again, I took only Tylenol for the discomfort. By the end of the day, I realized that there was much, much less bleeding than I had expected.

I forgot to take more Tylenol before bed, but I ended up not needing it.

So on the third day, I went in to the office. I planned to just stay a few hours, but I was there until closing. I did some light chores... didn't deal with any clients. I was just doing some menial tasks... water the plants, do some shredding, prepare the daily report. Nothing strenuous. It just felt good to be doing something.

Here I am now, at the end of day 3, still walking slowly, feeling a little bloated, but no pain.

When I made up next weeks' schedule, I scheduled myself for half days all week. Looks like I didn't need to do that. It is done, though, so I will take it easy for a few more days.

Full recovery is expected in about 3 weeks. That's about when I am supposed to see the GYN again.

Overall, the experience was not nearly as bad as I expected. Over the next few months, I will find out if the results are as good as I expected.

The Surgery Is Done

Endometrial Ablation -- I was in the hospital for under 2 hours. Twenty years ago, I would have had to have a full hysterectomy; now they have an out-patient procedure that accomplishes the same goal: get the monthly bleeding under control.

I was told I probably wouldn't remember the procedure, but they were wrong.

Here is how it went:

Once in the OR, an IV needle was stuck into my left hand. That was the worst part of the whole procedure! Next, I was hooked up to a heart monitor. Then the Dr started the sedative.

I don't know what they were using, but it made the ceiling move. It looked as if the ceiling was moving from the far wall, over my head, and behind me. I decided it was a parallax effect -- it was actually my eyes that were moving, but being unaware that my eyes were moving, it looked like the ceiling was moving.

That's my scientific side showing through.

They put my feet into stirrups and brought the ablation machine over. GYN inserted the end of the machine into the vagina and up into the uterus. It felt very hot. Then I felt a sharp twinge inside like a cramp. That was about when I asked for more sedative. GYN was injecting a local anesthetic into the uterus wall -- 3 places.

I looked at the clock -- it was 12:10. Sometime around then, I closed my eyes. I don't remember doing it. I remember listening to people talking, but don't recall what was said. Then they told me it was over. I looked at the clock again, and it was 12:20.

Dr removed the IV and heart monitor and they had me move over from the operation table to my bed, and they wheeled me into recovery.

There was no clock in recovery, but I estimate it was only about 10 minutes before I was offered some water. I drank that with no side effects, so I was offered food. I hadn't eaten in14 hours... I was hungry! I got a bran muffin, a pat of margarine, raspberry jam, and some grape juice. There wasn't a single crumb left!

At 1:10, I got dressed and the nurse called FdM to come get me. I didn't expect him to be home, but she left a message. Turned out he hadn't left the hospital. Nurse soon saw him in the waiting area, and I left the hospital at 1:20.

And that's my surgery story.

Surgery

I've had low iron for quite some time, and didn't even know it. I kept thinking that if I got more exercise, I would have more energy -- I just didn't feel like it. Turned out I had extremely low iron levels.

Now, over a year later, my iron is much better, but the cause of the iron loss is worse.

I have fibroids.

When we discovered them in January 2006, I opted to not have surgery. I told myself I would have the surgery when the fibroids started affecting my life. Well, that was 2 months ago. Heavy menstrual bleeding was keeping me from leaving the house one or two days a month. Three weeks ago, I experienced cramping. I never experience cramping! Maybe 3 times in the last 26 years.

My surgery date is this Thursday. The Doctor is going to perform an Endometrial Ablation.

http://www.mdmicanada.com/website/products_services_thermablate.shtml

It is an outpatient operation -- I'll be home same day. Instead of removing the uterus, like my mother had done, they destroy the lining to greatly lessen the monthly flow. They aren't even going to put me to sleep for it! I'll have an IV sedative, so they can give me as much as I need. The whole procedure will take about 10 minutes.

Medicine has sure come a long way!

Everything is arranged... FdM will drive me to and from the hospital, walk my dogs and make sure I have food. MIL is going to pick IJ and JMJ up at school Thursday and Friday so I don't have to worry about the kids. Friends in the congregation are going to stop by to visit.

I will be well taken care of.

Next week, I've scheduled myself for half days at the office. I have a desk job, but I don't want to over do it. I'll just take it easy next week. FdM will be able to take care of things there. He just about knows my whole job now.

There is a recliner in my office -- maybe I'll just sit back and answer questions all day. I'm good at that, after 10 seasons' experience.

When Will It End?

I took the kids to Science World today. We met JJ there, and he took them home with him when we were done. It is Spring Break this week, and he took some time off work to be with them.

JJ and I talked a little once the kids were in his car. He was trying not to cry. I could see his chin quivering. He is hurting right now like I was hurting in December and January. He knows I'm spending time with FdM, and he's upset about it. He's jealous.

He said he's not ready to let go.

Too bad. He left me. He wouldn't leave his girlfriend -- the only thing I asked him to do. So what right does he have to be upset about me having a male friend? Did he expect me to be alone for the rest of my life?

I wish I had the strength to not read his emails. I have succeeded in not replying to the last 2 he sent me. It was not easy, but I resisted. He has our whole time-line messed up so it looks like I cheated on him! I don't know why he can't remember things... what's the point in doing anything if you aren't going to remember it?

I am out of patience for him.

Now I just need to be out of words for him.

He Still Can't Keep His Word

He emailed me again.

He admitted his failings on every item on the list I sent him.

He said he thought he had more time to fix things.

He said it hurts that I'm seeing someone.

He is driving me Mad!

-- when we are together, he wants to leave me
-- when we are apart, he wants me back
-- when he is lonely, he turns to another woman
-- when I befriend another man, he gets jealous

Ultimately, I can sum up all of JJs thoughts and feelings into one word. That's right... one word.

One word to describe JJ, that takes into account all of his actions, all of his prejudices, all of his feelings, all of his misgivings, all of his life.

One word.

Selfish

It Wasn't All Bad

JJ and I had some good times.

I remember one Thursday morning, he rolled over, squeezed my arm and said "you don't feel well. You should call in sick today." It took him a while, but he managed to get me to call in sick. Then he did the same. We spent most of the day in bed together. Then we went out to a movie. It was the 2pm showing of Cool World.

Wow. You know it's a special memory when you recall that many details.

On our first anniversary, we went on a Rail and Cruise day trip. It was a 2 hour ride on a steam engine (The Royal Hudson), an hour at a park with a beautiful waterfall, and a dinner cruise back home again.

It was really nice to take a break from our daily routine. It gave us some much-needed time together. We pledged to do something special together every year on our anniversary.

Then we didn't.

One night, when the kids were very small, I got home from work to find that JJ had arranged for a babysitter. He took me out for dinner. What a nice surprise! He had never taken the initiative to find a sitter before. Another day, he arranged for my mother to watch the boys so he could take me out. He asked me what I wanted to do. He was expecting me to pick a movie to go to. But I didn't. I suggested a walk through the forrest followed by going out for cheesecake. We had so little time alone together at that point in time that I didn't want to spend it in a dark room not talking to each other.

We had a good time on our walk. We laughed and talked and fooled around. We didn't find any cheesecake, but we did manage to get some dessert.

Somewhere along the line, I noticed something peculiar: We always made love the day the bedding was washed. That wasn't the only time... but always on the day the bedding was washed. I brought it to JJs attention, and we had a laugh about it. Then the bedding started getting washed more often.

We were cuddling in the living room one night, watching a movie we rented. It was getting late, and he had to get up early for the morning commute. We were discussing the movie (a rarity... he never liked me talking during the show). We were caressing each other. We were really enjoying being together. Then he did something totally out of character -- he turned off the movie! I had never seen him do that before. He turned off the movie and led me to the bedroom. That night, I was something special. He chose to be with me over being entertained by the TV. It was truely a night to remember.

============================================

I tend to talk about the bad stuff -- probably trying to justify to myself why we broke up. We had some really good times. I don't want to forget that. JJ has alot of good qualities. If he didn't, I never would have married him in the first place.

There were times I felt like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day -- endlessly repeating the same day over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over....

Other times, life was new and exciting; full of fun in the present and hope for the future.

When I was sick, he would take time off work to take care of me. When the kids were sick, we took turns staying home with them. JJ always took the first turn, because his job gave him paid sick days. I've never had paid sick days. I was always proud of the fact that he used his time that way.

Now that we are apart, I make sure he knows what days the kids have off school. He took 3 days off work to spend with the kids during Spring Break. He drove JMJ to school one day just to meet his teacher.

It is nice to see him active in the kids lives. They need their dad.

And it gives me time to find what I need.

I Think He Is Finally Finished

JJ emailed me again this weekend. Trying to figure out what went wrong and what he could have done to fix it.

So I sent him an itemized list of what he did wrong:

1. you misrepresented yourself -- ceasing my favourite activities as soon as we were married.
2. you neglected me -- preferring to watch TV or play video games
3. you criticized me -- about things that don't even matter!
4. you shirked your chores -- then placed all the blame on me for them not getting done.
5. you didn't listen to me -- when I tried to talk to you, you would interrupt or dismiss me.
6. you broke your promises -- you tell me you are going to a specific task, and weeks later it is still undone.
7. you held double-standards -- displaying great anger when I make a mistake, but thinking of the same mistake as nothing when you did the same thing.
8. you make assumptions -- instead of asking me what I think or feel, you assume, then react to imagined problems. You end up resenting me for things I have not done.
9. you have an "all or nothing" attitude -- if you can't have the best, the biggest, the most, you want nothing.


His reaction?

He says he is going to stop asking me.

Finally !

That is what I've wanted all along.

Now I will have to wait and see if he follows through.

Response to ANOTHER email from JJ (when will he stop?)

JJ,

I cannot believe how wrong you are.

You misrepresented yourself.

It is not possible that so many of the things we enjoyed doing together prior to marriage just stopped being of interest to you. You have been outright lying to me since we started seeing each other.

Our problem is not a lack of communication. It is a lack of sincerity on your part. You admitted you broke up with me because you wanted to have sex with KK at her grad. You told me that sometime in the last few months. That is despicable behaviour. You had feelings for TG, but when I said something about it, you again lied to me about it. You said MM was just a friend, then I find out you intended to have sex with her, too. I feel like you have just been keeping me while you seek someone you want to be with.

Before marriage, we went canoeing, hiking, camping, dancing, bike riding. We did alot of things. I loved doing those things! I told you how much I loved doing those things. I was sincere. As soon as we were married, you wouldn't do any of those things. You wouldn't even go for a walk.

This is not a communication problem. It is outright deceit on your part.

We communicated the division of chores before we married. We discussed it several times. There were no arguements... just discussion and agreement. It didn't even take a month after the wedding for you to disregard that agreement. It was entirely your fault that we argued so much about chores. You made a commitment to me, and you did not honour it. I have no respect for anyone who behaves that way.

We had only been married for a couple of months when I realized I had ruined my life by marrying you. You made me miserable because of these things. But I stayed with you because I had made a commitment to you. I said I would be your wife. That means for life. And I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness to fulfill that commitment.

For years, I have watched other married couples. They touch each other. They hold hands. They sit beside each other. They speak to each other. They even share small kisses. In public, or in their homes when I'm visiting. One of my past employees expressed to me that he loved his wife so much that he didn't know what he would do without her. He had been married to the same person for 29 years! All I could think was "I wish someone loved me like that".

You have told me that you were initially attracted to me because I was different. You liked that I wore jeans all the time... I wasn't afraid to get dirty. As soon as we were married, you started pushing me to conform. You couldn't understand why I wasn't like other women.

You can't have it both ways.

These are NOT communication problems. They are a much, much deeper problem within YOU. You have to ask yourself WHY you felt it necessary to deceive me. WHY you felt it necessary to marry me, knowing who I was, if you really wanted something else.

I wasn't allowed to talk while you were watching TV. Your show was more important than what I had to say. You paid no attention when I gave you a back rub while you played on the computer. You didn't even acknowledge that I was there! I would walk across the room naked, and you wouldn't notice.

No. It was not a communication problem. It was a control issue. You wanted to control me. When I wouldn't let you, you withdrew your attentions. When I did do something you wanted, eg. cleaning the kitchen, you praised me like I was a puppy you were training.

I absolutely reject your hypothesis that the problem in our marriage was a lack of communication. The problem in our marriage was you needing to control every aspect of my life, from who my friends were, to what I wore, to what I did with my spare time. You never outright said it... you just put me down when you didn't like what I was doing or how I was dressed, or you would say negative things about my friends. Don't think you weren't trying to control me by doing those things. That is EXACTLY what you were doing.

You don't have a hope in the world of convincing me that our marriage fell apart because of a lack of communication. My life fell apart because of you misrepresenting yourself to me so you could take on the project of turning me into something I'm not.

I told you on the phone I did not want you to share what you are studying right now. You did it anyway. That is not miscommunication.... it is you willfully going against my wishes. You verbally acknowledged that I did not want to hear about it. Then you went ahead and did it anyway.

You don't care about me, my wants or my needs. You never have. It is time for you to stop trying to split the blame. It is time for you to stop justifying yourself. It is time for you to stop trying to figure me out. I am the person you married. You knew who I was before you married me. All you need to figure out is that I am me. No surprises here.

What you need to figure out is yourself.

And you do not need to tell me about it.

I don't want to hear it.

RDH

Response to an Email from JJ

JJ,

I have been hurt by you since a month or two after we got married. I can't count how many times I went to bed alone the first year we were married. You set a pattern of neglect right from the start, and later wondered why I showed you no affection. Anytime I did try to show you affection, I was ignored or dismissed. You forced me to suppress my feelings in order to protect myself from rejection.

I hired FdM at the office after SA quit to take a full-time job elsewhere. He is in negotiations to buy the office again. We are good friends. I don't know if anything else will come of it... we have both been abandoned by our spouse and are hurting. Not a good time for either of us to start a relationship.

He is trying to come to terms with his wife not being the person he thought she was for the last 30 years. I've been living the same thing for the last 18 years.

I don't know where you got your information from, but we cannot get a divorce yet. We were reconciled more than 90 days, so our 12 months starts over again. However, I have just purchased a divorce kit and started filling it out. It is very straight-forward. We have already dealt with everything in the separation agreement.

We can file the first set of papers as soon as we have both of our signatures on them. If you have no objections, I can file the papers in Sechelt. This first filing will cost $218. I assume you will pay half. The next set of papers can't be filed until 1 year after the date of separation -- the end of June.

At the second filing, the cost is $62, plus the cost of us each having an affidavit notarized. Once those papers are accepted, and the divorce judgment is signed, we apply for a Certificate of Divorce. That will be another $62. Then we are done.




I do not hate you. I do not resent you. I never have. If I had, It would have been easy for me to cheat on you. It would have been easy for me to leave you. I have always wanted you to be the person you were before we got married.

You talk about wanting to be accepted for who you are. I have always put forth every effort to do so -- even when you turned out not to be the person I thought you were. Unfortunately, you have never extended that same courtesy to me.

You tell me you don't want a submissive woman... that you want an equal. Then you proceed to treat me like a peon. You place no value on anything I say or do. You criticize everything. You are constantly trying to find solutions to problems that don't exist instead of addressing things that actually need to be fixed.

You have been very dictatorial... when you spoke to me at all.

You need to stop splitting the blame equally between us. I have been reacting for the last 18 years. In order for me to do that, there has to be something for me to react to. Think about that.

You are still the only person who has ever sworn at me. You have been very neglectful of me . Then, when I try to do something about it, you get mad at me!

With the intelligence you possess, I am amazed how shallow you are. The most important feature in your wife is how she looks. Other people appreciate my intelligence, humour and creativity. You succumb to peer pressure. You are more concerned with what other people think of you than what your "best friend" thinks.

In the past month, I have received numerous compliments from FdM. Compliments on my ideas, my level of knowledge, my ability to work with clients and staff, my compassion, my fun nature -- and other "real" things. He has also given me compliments on how I look... but these are far outnumbered by the real things. He has only commented on how I look three times in the past month. I have received in total nearly ten times that many compliments. That's a good ratio. It shows he cares about me, not about some trophy.

I hope you understand that some day.

FYI, he compliments everyone in the office when it is warranted... it is not just me.



-- no name signed --

Busy People Making Time For One Another

The office wasn't as busy today as it has been for the last week. Interesting thing is, the same day last year was also very slow compared to the surrounding days. We still doubled last years' numbers, though.

It is going to be a very good year.

The kids are going to be with their dad this weekend, so I asked FdM what he is doing Saturday night. He told me he is going to be busy with a client Saturday evening. I told him I am going to be kidless this weekend, and he made plans to get his business done before Saturday.

I have found FdM to be very considerate. He always calls if he is going to be late. He has been returning my phone calls. He asks if he can use my office when he needs privacy with a client... he never assumes. The last time he came over for dinner, he asked if he could help with anything, so I put him to work peeling potatoes. It is a pleasure to have him around.

Sometimes, he is too much of an old-fashioned gentleman. It was raining one day when we went out for lunch. I was dressed for the weather, but he insisted on dropping me off at the door before parking his van. I felt silly standing there waiting for him.

Today, we went for a walk on our lunch break to London Drugs. I bought a couple things, and he carried the bag for me. I thought that was very nice. Then we went to A&W to eat. I held the door for him, but he refused to go in before me. That seemed odd to me, but very sweet. And while we were walking, he always made sure he was between me and the traffic.

I have never had a man consistently treat me like that before. It's odd that he won't let me reciprocate, but it's endearing, too.

Alot of new experiences.

And I'm sure there are more to come....

Coffee With a Friend

Another crazy busy day at the office.

When things slowed down, FdM and I went out for coffee.

I really enjoy his company.

We talked about how well things are going at the office... we had another record-breaking day today. We discussed some tax topics and some employee issues. Then he suddenly asked me about my feelings for him.

I'm sure he does that on purpose. He just throws these deep personal questions at me in the middle of a totally unrelated discussion. I think he just likes to see me flustered. It amuses him.

I told him that I want a good friend right now, and that I hope that friendship grows into something more.

He told me that he is in a kind of woman-hating phase right now. He's been hurt deeply by his wife, and is afraid to trust another woman right now. He feels as if he will never be over that hurt.

I recognize that feeling. I didn't go through a man-hating phase. I did go through a time when I thought I would never be over the hurt. I felt as if I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. JJ and I separated 8 months ago. I've been feeling that I would never have a special someone in my life again for well over a year. It takes time for the feeling to pass.

Right now, I have hope for the future. The pain isn't all gone yet. It still hurts to hear JJs voice. It still hurts to see JJ and know I can't touch him. We were together for over 20 years. Even after analyzing our relationship and realizing just how unhappy he made me, I still miss him. It gets a little easier each day. But I still have a long way to go. FdMs friendship makes the journey more bearable.

I have no idea how long we were out of the office for our coffee. It was nearly closing time when we got back. We both had some work to finish up. The other employees left for the day. FdM and I shut down the computers. I turned out all the lights. We were standing in my office, and he put his arms around me and he kissed me. I held him close, and kissed him right back. I could feel the stress melting away.

Then we each went home.

I'm looking forward to work tomorow. It will be another busy day. And FdM will be there.

Poor Sleep and Bad Dreams

I haven't been sleeping well the last few days. I wake up in the wee hours and can't get back to sleep.

But this time, it isn't because of JJ. It is because of FdM.

When I wasn't sleeping in January, it was because I was stressed and upset about JJ. I was hurt and unhappy.

Right now, when I'm unable to sleep, it is because I'm thinking of a new friendship, and wondering if it will grow into something more. I'm relaxed when I wake up at 2am... my mind is racing, but I'm relaxed and comfortable and in a good mood.

Last night, I slept well. But I had bad dreams.

I have an appointment with a GYN on Thursday to discuss having an endometrial ablation. I have fibroids, and the ablation will slow or maybe even stop the menstrual flow.

My dreams were centered around the procedure. The bad part was the doctor not adhering to our game-plan. The doctor kept wanting to do things I specifically wanted him to NOT do. I was very frustrated.

When I was pregnant with JMJ, I had a series of similar dreams about giving birth. In those dreams, I was constantly at odds with the doctors. They were always telling me I had to submit to tests and procedures that I knew were harmful to the baby. In those dreams, JJ lacked the strength to help me. He was a real weenie.

In these new dreams, I am alone. I have no spouse to turn to for support. Not even a weenie. It's just me up against a team of medical professionals who treat disease, not patients.

The pregnancy dreams went away after I sat down and analyzed them. I came to the conclusion that if I didn't trust my doctors, I would just have the baby at home. That made the dreams go away.

So what do the new dreams tell me? The issue of doctor trust is present in both series of dreams. The new dreams have the added dimension of being alone. In the pregnancy dreams, I wasn't alone, but my spouse was removed from the situation or otherwise unable to help me. In the surgery dreams, I start off alone. So nothing can be taken from me.

So what is the main issue? Doctor trust? Or a lack of personal support?

Maybe both.

If I continue to have these dreams, I'll have to think about it some more.

The Next Step

I visited the book store today. I was looking for a Divorce Kit.

The store clerk and I looked at the list of books available on her computer. I chose the one I wanted, and she ordered it for me. I should have it in about a week.

It makes me sad that I am taking this step. There is nothing more I can do.

My marriage is over.

All that is left is to do the paperwork.

And wait to see what the future holds.

New Territory

Tax season is in full swing now. We are very busy in the office right now... and it has only just begun! We are breaking records daily. I've never been so busy! It is awesome.

I'm glad I hired FdM.

He's smart, he's experienced, and he's fun to work with.

When things slowed down this afternoon, he came into my office to talk. About what the two of us are doing, and where it's leading.

The two of us agree that neither of us should be getting into a serious relationship right now. We both recently had our spouse leave us. He told me that above all else, he doesn't want to lose me as a friend.

I kept smiling the whole time he was talking. I couldn't help it... he really cares about me. The more he spoke, the happier I was. I have always believed a strong friendship is the foundation of a good relationship. And right now, he wants to build on that friendship.

We are going to meet for coffee tomorow to talk about it. The office isn't a good place for that.

He stroked my hair, then turned to leave. When he got to my office door, he turned and came back. He apologised for it. I got mad at him a week ago for patting me on the head, so he was afraid I would be offended. I told him I wasn't.

FdM stood there looking at me, trying to puzzle something out. Then he asked "how do you like to be shown affection?" The question caught me by surprise. I had to say "I don't know." I thought for a minute, and said "I don't think anyone ever has."

He was thinking about that as he left.

I've been thinking about it, too.

In 18 years of marriage, I have received less affection from JJ than I have received from FdM in the last month.

Sex is not affection. Sex should be accompanied by affection, but "should" does not equal "does". The only time JJ ever showed me any affection at all was when he wanted sex. Any time I tried to show affection towards JJ, I was ignored.

FdM responds to every word, every touch. I really enjoy having him around.

Right now, we both need to heal. A strong friendship can help us do that. If that friendship grows into something more, I'll let it. If it doesn't, I'll hold on to what we do have.

Friends are a very special kind of family. They are worth more than all the material wealth in the world. Friends are worth any sacrifice.

First Kiss

FdM is working for me now. I had an employee leave to start a full-time job elsewhere, so I had a position available for him. After work today, he came over for supper. He peeled potatoes while I prepared the chicken.

IJ put "Revenge of the Sith" on while we ate. FdM has not seen Episodes I-III. We discussed what made the original triology better. We talked about taxes and how busy the office is this year. We talked about why I went to art school and how he chose accounting. We talked about how great it is that we are working together, and seeing each other every day.

After IJ went to bed, FdM and I talked a while longer. Then he had to go home.

We hugged at the door, and talked a little more. Then he kissed me.

It was just a quick peck on the lips, but it was a kiss.

And it was just for me.