Bummed Out

Alot of little things are piling up on me right now.

I noticed on Friday that there is damage to the front bumper of my car. When it snowed this past winter, I had a disagreement with a bush and damaged the passenger side of my front bumper. Now the driver side is also damaged. I don't even know when or where it happened. Thursday/Friday I was in alot of different parking lots. I didn't notice the damage until I happened to park with that part of the car in the sun. In the shade, it is almost invisible.

I went to see my insurance agent -- I've never made a claim before, so I had some questions to ask. She told me it would be classified as a hit-and-run, and I would have to pay my collision deductible to have it fixed.

That really sucks.

I have $1000 deductible on collision. I took the high deductible because if I do that little damage to my own car, it will still be in drivable condition. I never considered that I would have to pay for damage that someone else did to my car.

On the upside, It won't cost me $1000. They have another little rule that says I only have to pay up to $750. But chances are, it will cost less than that to fix anyway.

I hope.

I'll find out on Wednesday.

Friday, the kids and I went to Powell River for the weekend. We have never been there before, so it was an adventure.

It took us a while to find our hotel. I located the travel infocenter, and they were closed. But they left town maps out where I could take one. That was very considerate of them.

Once we finally found the hotel, we had a hard time finding our room. We were told room 30. We found rooms 1-29. So we went back to reception.

Back at the reception desk, we were told there is no room 30.

Great.

We had 2 hotel employees running around the hotel looking for someone who knew where our room was.

I sat down in the lobby and looked at old magazines, trying not to stress about it.

The kids were stressed about it.

It took about 5 minutes for someone to find our room.

We weren't impressed with it.

It was in desperate need of rennovation. The hardwood floors needed refinishing. There was no cable TV. The ocean view was blocked by the pulp mill. The beds were small. The ceiling was cracked. The digital clock couldn't keep time. The door locks were difficult to use. There was no phone in the room.

Somewhere along the line, I realized I had not submitted hours to payroll before leaving home. So, I needed a phone.

The Hotel had a courtesy phone, but I was unable to make a collect call from it. I had to go looking for a pay phone.

I found three of them near the Hotel. Two of them did not work. The third one kept insisting that "all circuits are busy now" after I took the time to key in my credit card number.

We went for a drive, looking for a newer payphone. I found one at the mall. It had a slot for my credit card, and allowed me to make all the long distance calls I wanted! So I left some messages, trying to find someone who could go to the office and submit those payroll hours!

It's no big deal if I miss a pay period. I was more concerned with my employees getting paid on time.

I still don't know if they will be or not.

The trip I've been planning to take the kids on this summer is being scaled down. I talked to them about it. I just don't have the money to do what I wanted to. They are ok with it.

We are still going to Jasper and Banff. We won't be going to Edmonton, Calgary or Drumheller. It will be a one-week trip instead of 2-3 weeks.

We will be camping out every night. We will be doing alot of hiking and other free stuff. And for our one indulgence, we are going on a trail ride.

When I got into the office this morning, I checked my email. Another annoyance there.

Head office is moving people around, and closing the office I report to. I'll have a new supervisor in another province. We will be separated by 3 times zones.

I don't like change.

At least I know the new person. He's been with LT for quite some time. I met him last summer at the convention. I told him then that he doesn't make a very good first impression... but I warmed up to him by the end of the event. He's cool. I can work with him.

Then the mall caretaker came in to give me the keys to my new office.

We have to move again.

I've had neighbouring businesses ask me when I'm moving for about a month now.

No one with any authority has said anything to me about moving the office.

When we moved into our present location a year ago, I knew we would be moving again.

I just expected to have some notice.

I hate moving.

I've got it all planned in my head... have had for weeks.

I'll call up all my employees and get them to come help move and set up the new office. My kids will be paid for the day, too. I will order pizza and make a party of it.

It will be fun.

Once the moving part is done.

Hopefully everyone will be able to help. It will go much faster that way.

And leave more time for partying.

It Wasn't All Bad

JJ and I had some good times.

I remember one Thursday morning, he rolled over, squeezed my arm and said "you don't feel well. You should call in sick today." It took him a while, but he managed to get me to call in sick. Then he did the same. We spent most of the day in bed together. Then we went out to a movie. It was the 2pm showing of Cool World.

Wow. You know it's a special memory when you recall that many details.

On our first anniversary, we went on a Rail and Cruise day trip. It was a 2 hour ride on a steam engine (The Royal Hudson), an hour at a park with a beautiful waterfall, and a dinner cruise back home again.

It was really nice to take a break from our daily routine. It gave us some much-needed time together. We pledged to do something special together every year on our anniversary.

Then we didn't.

One night, when the kids were very small, I got home from work to find that JJ had arranged for a babysitter. He took me out for dinner. What a nice surprise! He had never taken the initiative to find a sitter before. Another day, he arranged for my mother to watch the boys so he could take me out. He asked me what I wanted to do. He was expecting me to pick a movie to go to. But I didn't. I suggested a walk through the forrest followed by going out for cheesecake. We had so little time alone together at that point in time that I didn't want to spend it in a dark room not talking to each other.

We had a good time on our walk. We laughed and talked and fooled around. We didn't find any cheesecake, but we did manage to get some dessert.

Somewhere along the line, I noticed something peculiar: We always made love the day the bedding was washed. That wasn't the only time... but always on the day the bedding was washed. I brought it to JJs attention, and we had a laugh about it. Then the bedding started getting washed more often.

We were cuddling in the living room one night, watching a movie we rented. It was getting late, and he had to get up early for the morning commute. We were discussing the movie (a rarity... he never liked me talking during the show). We were caressing each other. We were really enjoying being together. Then he did something totally out of character -- he turned off the movie! I had never seen him do that before. He turned off the movie and led me to the bedroom. That night, I was something special. He chose to be with me over being entertained by the TV. It was truely a night to remember.

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I tend to talk about the bad stuff -- probably trying to justify to myself why we broke up. We had some really good times. I don't want to forget that. JJ has alot of good qualities. If he didn't, I never would have married him in the first place.

There were times I felt like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day -- endlessly repeating the same day over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over....

Other times, life was new and exciting; full of fun in the present and hope for the future.

When I was sick, he would take time off work to take care of me. When the kids were sick, we took turns staying home with them. JJ always took the first turn, because his job gave him paid sick days. I've never had paid sick days. I was always proud of the fact that he used his time that way.

Now that we are apart, I make sure he knows what days the kids have off school. He took 3 days off work to spend with the kids during Spring Break. He drove JMJ to school one day just to meet his teacher.

It is nice to see him active in the kids lives. They need their dad.

And it gives me time to find what I need.

What is Your Passion?

That is what FdM asked me.

I am an art school graduate. I majored in photography, but don't feel bound to that medium. The creative process is the same no matter the media.

Right now, I have little time for creative pursuits. I am a single mom, and I manage an income tax office. I like taking my kids on road trips in the summer. I enjoy volunteering at school events and driving for field trips. I love taking my dogs to the beach for a good run. I read alot -- fantasy, science fiction, science, history, biography, the bible.

I do alot of diverse things.

FdM wanted to know why I don't do more art. What's holding me back? What's my passion?

I was thinking about it a couple of days after he asked. I was annoyed. Why would he ask that question so persistently? I enjoy alot of things. Why do I need to have one passion? Why do I need to create artwork just because I went to art school? Why can't he accept education for educations' sake?

That's when it hit me. My passion is Knowledge. Formal education gave me Knowledge. Reading books gives me Knowledge. Experiencing new things gives me Knowledge. Observing the world gives me Knowledge. Talking to people gives me Knowledge.

That is the one thing I can never have too much of. That is the purpose of everything I do.

That is my passion.

Knowledge.

Sucking Up

I finally went away for the weekend. JJ stayed at my place with the kids and the dogs, and I went to visit SP and his family. I hadn't seen him in over 6 years. I hadn't seen his wife in 7 or 8 years. We had a nice visit. It was nice to just go away for a couple of days and have no demands on my time for a short while.

When I got home, JJ was still there. I got back on the last ferry, so it was too late for him to go home.

JJ started telling me what he had done on the weekend. He cleaned my oven. He cleaned the stove-top and all of the dials. It sparkles now! I couldn't figure out why he would do that. In 18 years of marriage, he cleaned the oven only once. Now that we are separated, he does housework.

He asked me if I wanted to know what advice he was getting from friends now. I said "no". He said he was being advised to go back to his wife. It turns out that SHE is advising him to come back to me now.

Too bad.

I've been hurt deeply.

I told him the first time he left me that he could only come back once. I broke my own rule when he left me a second time. This is the third time. He told me he is not coming back. I am not going to play games with him anymore.

I'm through.

He knows that. So why is he sucking up to me? Does he really think I'm that much of a push-over? Not this time, buddy.

Never again.