That Was a New Experience

I'll start at the beginning.

I was invited to VNs place for dinner tonight. Between three of us, we drank a bottle of wine and a 2 liter bottle of cider. I had to drive home, so I only had one glass of cider. VN and KJ drank the rest of it.

VN wanted to go visit some other friends, so we left her place. KJs truck ran out of fuel before he got out of the driveway. Good thing... he shouldn't have been driving anyway. VN was getting a little impatient because KJ didn't get into my car right away. He was holding a small plastic gas can, and he swung it in her direction, hitting her on the forehead. Having grown up in a violent home, she has no tolerance for that kind of behaviour, so she told me to just go.

Well, when I started to pull away, KJ got even madder and started yelling at VN and hit my car with his gas can, hard. I sure wasn't going to stop and let him in under those circumstances, so I drove all the way up the driveway.

KJ ran up the driveway behind us, yelling and swearing at VN, and ran out onto the road right in front of my car. So, I stopped the car and hit the lock button. Then I hit the window button and got the windows up. I sure like those automatic gizmos now! He yelled and swore at VN some more, then said "just give me a ride home" and tried to open the back door. Just like that... with one breath, abusive speech, with the next breath, asking for a ride. There was no way I was going to let him into my car at that point. I did not trust him.

As we drove away, KJ yelling and swearing, VN phoned a male friend of KJs and asked him to call KJ and go pick him up. Neither of us wanted to see KJ again tonight. I left VN at another friends house, where she is going to spend the night. She doesn't want to be home alone tonight. I don't blame her. I've got my house locked up tight, and I wasn't even yelled at.

I've never been so close to a violent man before.

A number of years ago, I watched a neighbour chase his girlfriend out into the street. She was crying, he was yelling, but I did not witness any violence. I called the police and JJ and I kept an eye on them, in case he did become violent. I did not know either of them.

This time, I was sitting next to the target. My car received most of the physical abuse, and I felt secure locked inside. But this time, I know the violent man. And I know I will see him again. We live in a very small town.

Trust -- Ever Hear Of It?

Women trust men. Or, at least I trusted JJ. But he doesn't seem to know what that means. It's far more than believing what he says is true. Far, far more.

It took me a whole year after he first asked me to marry him to say "yes". I wanted to be sure he was worthy of trust. I married him because I trusted that he would not leave me.

When we married, I changed my name. He acted like it was expected. He acted as if it was his right. He did not understand that it was a gift I made to him. Until a female friend of ours explained it to him. But that's another issue. It displayed a mountain of trust on my part to change my name. I had that name since I was born. It took me about three years to get used to the new name. I graduated from college with that name. More people know me by my married name than my maiden name now. I gave him a piece of myself when I took his name. Because I trusted that he would stay with me.

Five years later, I bore his child, because I trusted that he would not leave me to be a Single Mother. We discussed it before I got pregnant. Being the man, he had the power to destroy my life just by walking out the door... leaving me alone with a baby. I trusted that he would not do it. I reconfirmed that trust before becoming pregnant with our second child. More than anything else, I did not want to be a Single Mother.

So what happened? He left me. He left me alone, with two children, and a name I can't get rid of. Sure, I could change my name back. But my diploma still has his name on it. My children still have his name.

And changing my name won't give me my husband back.

Shut Out

JJ picked up the kids today. They are his for the next two weeks. We have been talking the last month or so... things looked really positive... he seemed to be really ready to make things work.

So what happened?

He has cut off contact with me this past week. He doesn't answer his phone when I call. He does not return my calls. When he does call, he says what he needs to say then makes some excuse to get off the phone before I can say anything.

I emailed him about it. He hasn't responded.

Then today, he shows up with gifts for me. He knows I don't celebrate Christmas, but he gave me 2 gifts. A $50 gift card for Bootlegger, and a box of Purdy's chocolates. I've been wanting to go shopping at Bootlegger, but they don't even have a store here. I'll have to make a trip into the city for that. I love Purdy's chocolates. I haven't opened the box yet, so I don't know what he picked out for me. But it's Purdy's, so I'll like it.

He cleaned JMJ's birdroom, then packed the kids into the car. He spoke to me for about a minute. "I know you've been wanting to talk to me", he says. Alot of good that does me. "Right now I'm thinking that we won't work". So why the gifts? Make up your mind!!!!

This guy is driving me crazy. I never know where I stand with him. He says he loves me; He says he wants to leave. He spends the night with me; He stops talking to me. He says he's ready to make things work; He says he can't forgive me.

Forgive me????

What did I do?

I loved him. I forgave him. I listened to what he wanted, and I gave much of it to him. I put the past behind me, and strove to make a fresh start.

I have done so much for him... why can't he do anything for me? Why is he abandoning me? Why is he walking out on his family? He thinks he is leaving me... but he is really leaving his family. It's not just me... it's the kids, too. He's leaving them, too. And he doesn't even realize it.

On top of all this, he wants to "still be friends".

How can I be his friend? Every time I see him, I just want to wrap my arms around him and hold him tight. Every time I speak to him on the phone, my heart flutters. I long to see him, to hold him, to be with him. How can I be "Just Friends"? Knowing that I can't have him, knowing that he doesn't want me anymore, how can I be "Just Friends"?

Seeing him, but not being able to touch him; talking to him, but not being able to reach him -- it tears my heart out. It crushes my entire being. Friends? Can't happen.

He's shutting me out. That leaves me no choice but to shut him out, too.

Where did the puppy come from?

JJ tells me that one of his co-workers has a puppy she can't take care of. She got it on impulse: Saw a sign that said "free puppies". She thought "I want a dog!" so she took home a very young puppy. She quickly realized she was unable to handle a puppy. So, JJ offers to watch it for a couple of days so she can think about if she wants to keep it or not. She decides not.

Now, IJ spends the weekend with his dad, and plays with the puppy the whole time. JJ asks me if I know anyone who wants a dog... I tell him to bring it over and I'll find it a home. Big mistake. Both kids fall in love with it, promising to look after it. I say ok, we'll keep the puppy. The cat is unimpressed.

Fast Forward a few weeks. I find out that the "co-worker" does not work with JJ. They did briefly work at the same place several years ago, but are currently working in different industries. The "co-worker" is a single mother. JJ has been spending alot of time with this "co-worker" over the last few months. This "co-worker" is under the impression that they are dating. Probably because they are.

This brings up some questions:

Why is JJ trying to work things out with me if he is seeing Her?

Why did he lie to me about it?

Why did he give me her puppy?

What do I do about the situation?

I do want JJ to come back to his family. But he isn't sure he can let go of the past and start fresh with me. He isn't sure he can do what it takes to keep our family together.

I have spoken to a number of people about JJ. CE supports whatever I want to do. KH tells me men are selfish creatures who don't think about the consequences of their actions. DR advises me to cut him loose. VN phoned JJ and chewed him out. DL just asks how things are going and listens.

And then... I throw a monkeywrench into the situation. JJ wants to be friends if we stay separated. I tell him that can't happen. Every time I see him, I just want to hug him and hold him tight. Every time he calls, my heart jumps for joy. When we have a good conversation as friends, it makes me think we still have a chance. After all, I married my friend. If we are not going to be together, I cannot do that. I cannot talk to him on the phone. I cannot even be at the house when he comes to pick up the kids. If we are not going to be together, I must be totally cut off from him. He doesn't want to lose me as a friend, so now he's afraid to tell me it's really over.

This is unusual for me. I seldom deal in absolutes. I rarely see anything as black and white... there are so many shades of grey, that some middle ground can be met. But in this case, I must see in black and white. All or nothing. He's with me 100%, or I never see him again.

That hurts, too.

The lesser of two evils. I never believed such a choice could really exist. I always thought people were being over-dramatic when using that phrase. But here it is, in my lap. It hurts to think of never seeing him again. It hurts to think of seeing him, but knowing he's not mine.

It hurts.