Response to an Email from JJ

JJ,

I have been hurt by you since a month or two after we got married. I can't count how many times I went to bed alone the first year we were married. You set a pattern of neglect right from the start, and later wondered why I showed you no affection. Anytime I did try to show you affection, I was ignored or dismissed. You forced me to suppress my feelings in order to protect myself from rejection.

I hired FdM at the office after SA quit to take a full-time job elsewhere. He is in negotiations to buy the office again. We are good friends. I don't know if anything else will come of it... we have both been abandoned by our spouse and are hurting. Not a good time for either of us to start a relationship.

He is trying to come to terms with his wife not being the person he thought she was for the last 30 years. I've been living the same thing for the last 18 years.

I don't know where you got your information from, but we cannot get a divorce yet. We were reconciled more than 90 days, so our 12 months starts over again. However, I have just purchased a divorce kit and started filling it out. It is very straight-forward. We have already dealt with everything in the separation agreement.

We can file the first set of papers as soon as we have both of our signatures on them. If you have no objections, I can file the papers in Sechelt. This first filing will cost $218. I assume you will pay half. The next set of papers can't be filed until 1 year after the date of separation -- the end of June.

At the second filing, the cost is $62, plus the cost of us each having an affidavit notarized. Once those papers are accepted, and the divorce judgment is signed, we apply for a Certificate of Divorce. That will be another $62. Then we are done.




I do not hate you. I do not resent you. I never have. If I had, It would have been easy for me to cheat on you. It would have been easy for me to leave you. I have always wanted you to be the person you were before we got married.

You talk about wanting to be accepted for who you are. I have always put forth every effort to do so -- even when you turned out not to be the person I thought you were. Unfortunately, you have never extended that same courtesy to me.

You tell me you don't want a submissive woman... that you want an equal. Then you proceed to treat me like a peon. You place no value on anything I say or do. You criticize everything. You are constantly trying to find solutions to problems that don't exist instead of addressing things that actually need to be fixed.

You have been very dictatorial... when you spoke to me at all.

You need to stop splitting the blame equally between us. I have been reacting for the last 18 years. In order for me to do that, there has to be something for me to react to. Think about that.

You are still the only person who has ever sworn at me. You have been very neglectful of me . Then, when I try to do something about it, you get mad at me!

With the intelligence you possess, I am amazed how shallow you are. The most important feature in your wife is how she looks. Other people appreciate my intelligence, humour and creativity. You succumb to peer pressure. You are more concerned with what other people think of you than what your "best friend" thinks.

In the past month, I have received numerous compliments from FdM. Compliments on my ideas, my level of knowledge, my ability to work with clients and staff, my compassion, my fun nature -- and other "real" things. He has also given me compliments on how I look... but these are far outnumbered by the real things. He has only commented on how I look three times in the past month. I have received in total nearly ten times that many compliments. That's a good ratio. It shows he cares about me, not about some trophy.

I hope you understand that some day.

FYI, he compliments everyone in the office when it is warranted... it is not just me.



-- no name signed --