Mother In Law

MIL does not speak to me anymore. She has not spoken to me at all since I brought JMJ home form her house last Spring.

JJ tells me MIL does not like me blackmailing her.

It appears that she chose to take something I said out of context and twist it around so I am the bad guy.

Too bad.

For her.

Every time I am out and about, I keep an eye open for her. I have been waiting to bump in to her on the street, or at the mall.

It finally happened last week.

IJ and I were about to leave Sechelt when I spotted MIL and NH walking down the street. IJ wanted to say "hi", so I parked the car and we went over to see them.

IJ and NH had a nice chat, and MIL did not say much... out of character for her.

It was nice.

Everyone was pleasant. IJ and NH made plans to go out for lunch the next day.

When NH picked IJ up for lunch, IJ asked him to fix a toy for him. NH took the toy home with him, and a couple of days later, dropped it off at the office when I was working. We exchanged a few friendly words, and he left.

I looked out the window while we were talking, and I saw MIL in the parking lot... pacing.

She really does not want to talk to me! She was irritated just being nearby... and she was at the far side of the parking lot - thinking that I did not know she was there!

It does not bother me that she will not talk to me. It is actually somewhat of a relief. I think it is funny! She once told me that she was intimidated by her mother-in-law... I am not, so she has a problem with me. It is hilarious!

As long as it does not affect the kids.

I have mentioned to 3 or 4 people that MIL is not talking to me anymore. I am careful to not say anything around the kids. I seem to have reasonable contact with NH, so I can still make sure they are not isolated from their grandmother.

I just do not have to talk to her!

Surgery

I've had low iron for quite some time, and didn't even know it. I kept thinking that if I got more exercise, I would have more energy -- I just didn't feel like it. Turned out I had extremely low iron levels.

Now, over a year later, my iron is much better, but the cause of the iron loss is worse.

I have fibroids.

When we discovered them in January 2006, I opted to not have surgery. I told myself I would have the surgery when the fibroids started affecting my life. Well, that was 2 months ago. Heavy menstrual bleeding was keeping me from leaving the house one or two days a month. Three weeks ago, I experienced cramping. I never experience cramping! Maybe 3 times in the last 26 years.

My surgery date is this Thursday. The Doctor is going to perform an Endometrial Ablation.

http://www.mdmicanada.com/website/products_services_thermablate.shtml

It is an outpatient operation -- I'll be home same day. Instead of removing the uterus, like my mother had done, they destroy the lining to greatly lessen the monthly flow. They aren't even going to put me to sleep for it! I'll have an IV sedative, so they can give me as much as I need. The whole procedure will take about 10 minutes.

Medicine has sure come a long way!

Everything is arranged... FdM will drive me to and from the hospital, walk my dogs and make sure I have food. MIL is going to pick IJ and JMJ up at school Thursday and Friday so I don't have to worry about the kids. Friends in the congregation are going to stop by to visit.

I will be well taken care of.

Next week, I've scheduled myself for half days at the office. I have a desk job, but I don't want to over do it. I'll just take it easy next week. FdM will be able to take care of things there. He just about knows my whole job now.

There is a recliner in my office -- maybe I'll just sit back and answer questions all day. I'm good at that, after 10 seasons' experience.

Arrogant and the Center of Attention

That is what JJ said I am. He called me arrogant. I told him there is a difference between arrogance and intelligence.

Arrogance:
making claims or pretensions to superior importance or rights; overbearingly assuming; insolently proud; presumptuous, haughty, imperious, brazen.

Intelligence:
mentally acute; showing sound judgment and rationality; a natural quickness of understanding.

Arrogant does not sound like me. Sounds more like JJ, although I still wouldn't use that word to describe him. He is presumptuous, but overall arrogance is too strong a word to describe him. As for me, I am proud of my intelligence and abilities. That does not mean I elevate myself above others. So, no. I am not arrogant.

What about being the Center of Attention? JJ says I grab attention when in a group of people and try to stay at the center of the conversation. Sounds odd to me. I don't function well in groups. It's not shyness. I suffer from Selective Mutism. It's real -- look it up.

Selective Mutism is the physical inability to speak in certain social situations. The desire to speak is there, the ability is not. I have had to deal with this disorder most of my life. When I am in a group of 3 or more people, it is extremely difficult for me to say anything. The fewer people in the group that I am familiar with, the more likely I won't be able to speak. It is rare these days for me to not be able to speak at all, but it still takes an effort.

Under these conditions, how can it be possible for me to become the Center of Attention? Further, isn't the person speaking always the Center of Attention? Doesn't the group pay attention to whomever is speaking? Am I being criticized for speaking?

When I speak, I am not meek. I speak up. I speak to be heard. If no one can hear me, what's the point in speaking at all? I am not overbearing. I am not haughty. I speak with intelligence, understanding and humour. And I spend far more time listening than I spend talking. How can anyone say I just want to be the Center of Attention? Is JJ so insecure that he feels threatened when I speak? Is he so insecure, that if I spend 3 minutes relating an experience to his friends during a 1 hour conversation, he feels I have a need to be the Center of Attention?

His mother has said it, too. She even gave me a specific example: NH was building a bed for JMJ. He was showing it to us in his workshop. He has built two of them now, and has 3 more in the works. He is building them for all the grandchildren.

I have an appreciation for hand-crafted goods. My dad built a bedroom suite for himself and mom. So, I told NH about it. The result? NH and MIL thought I was being competitive! I was just sharing an experience. Isn't that what people do when they converse?

Now I'm afraid to say anything because they are going to take it the wrong way.

Guess what? I get criticized for that, too.

Confrontations

I confronted my mother-in-law today. I wanted to do this way back in 2000, but JJ made me promise not to. He was worried about her response. I guess that is why I finally did it... because he is more concerned with his mothers' well-being than mine.

I use the word "confront", but my ultimate goal was to repair my relationship with MIL. She lives only 20 minutes away. The closest relative on my side of the family is 6 hours away. The kids see her alot, and I don't want to rob them of their grandparents. So, I had to talk to her.

I started the conversation with "Some things have been happening that has damaged our relationship. JJ tells me things you say, and I don't know if he is misunderstanding you, or if his recounting is accurate."

Being the genius that I am, I knew the truth would be somewhere between what JJ said and what MIL would say.

I would sure like to be a fly on the wall when they have their next conversation.

When I showed up at her house today, she had no idea what I wanted to talk about. She knew it was something serious, but I gave her no clues beforehand. I am certain she was not expecting this conversation.

I had a page of notes with me. I spent over a week thinking about what to say and how to say it. I prioritized the topics so smaller issues would be addressed first, and build up to the biggest. It worked out pretty well. JJ even gave me a couple of tips when I told him I was going to talk to his mother:

1. Don't cry. She sees that as a sign of weakness.
2. Don't raise your voice. She will see it as childish and end the conversation.

Well, my eyes leaked. They do that when I'm under severe stress. I'm not happy about it, but it happens.

I am pretty sure I managed to not raise my voice to her. On the other hand, MIL raised her voice to me three times. To be fair, the third time was part of an illustration, so I'll ammend my comment and say she raised her voice to me twice. I interrupted her twice, so it is possible I raised my voice then. Ultimately, we talked.

We talked. We argued. We disagreed. She made concessions. I made concessions. In the end, we still disagree on one big issue.


The Big Issue

She advises JJ to end our marriage. She thinks we will both be much happier apart.

I told her it is not for her to decide. I told her JJ is not her, that his experience is different from hers. It is possible for two people to work out their differences and save a marriage -- as long as both parties are commited to doing it.

I used my parents as an example. My sister and I were discussing mom and dad's marriage recently. She calls them the exception that proves the rule. They married young. They developed different interests over the years. And they stayed together. When one of them changes, the other adapts. This has been going on for 40 years now. And I don't expect that to change.

That is when MIL used my argument against me... She said that I am not my parents, that my experience is different from theirs. I'm not sure what she hoped to accomplish with that statement, but it did not phase me. It was an unanticipated comment from her, and I answered it promptly with "I'm not my parents. My parents are my example."

She dropped that line of reasoning.

I just had a thought: My parents are my example, but they do not tell me what to do. When I talk to them, they listen. They give a minimum of advice, and that advice is based on what I want. They do not tell me what to do. MIL did not do that when JJ confided in her. She just told him to leave me. She did not deny she said that to him, so it must be true.

Now I'm annoyed with myself. That sums up what I wanted to communicate to her: That her job as parent is to help, not to dictate.

The last item up for discussion was something she said to JJ only a week ago.

The Situation
I became extremely depressed. I didn't sleep for 2 nights -- I estimate about 60 hours awake. I lost my appetite. Thinking about food made me want to vomit. I experienced a bout of uncontrolable crying. I was light-headed and shakey. I stopped driving because I couldn't concentrate.

JJ and I were talking regularly that weekend. I told him what was going on with me. First thing Monday morning, I saw my doctor. He gave me a prescription and a phone number. When I came out of the drug store, I found JJ parked beside my car. He caught an early ferry because he was worried about me. It is the sweetest thing he has ever done.

He told his mother I was ill, and that I was having a really hard time with the separation. She told him I was not having a hard time, and that I was faking illness in order to manipulate him into staying with me. When he tried to explain to her how I was feeling, she refused to listen.

What We Said About It
When I brought up this subject, MIL started shaking. Lupus sometimes gives her the shakes, but this was much more. She spoke slowly, trying to find the right words, trying to explain to me what she meant that night. She did not deny anything I said.

And she did not address "manipulation".

I called her on that... I told her that is the issue we need to discuss. It was during this discussion that she raised her voice to me.

From her point of view, if I tell JJ anything about my life, I am trying to manipulate him. She even accused me of wanting him to come back! My reply to that was "Of course I want him to come back!" Wasn't she there for our conversation? It looked like she was. It sounded like she was.

I was not there to convince her JJ and I should be together. I was there to tell her JJ needs to make his own decisions. I seem to have a better grasp on that fact than she does.

After all that, we had some pleasant conversation about other stuff... just like we do when we meet for coffee. I even got invited to stay for supper. Pizza was ordered, we ate with pleasant conversation, and I took the leftover pizza home for the kids' supper.

That is what happened. We were talking / discussing / arguing for 3 hours. We cleared some things up. And we know where each other stands in regards to our differences.

I feel good about this. I've opened lines of communication that were previously closed. She can't go around making assumptions about me, because I've told her where I stand.

Yes. This is good.