Response to ANOTHER email from JJ (when will he stop?)

JJ,

I cannot believe how wrong you are.

You misrepresented yourself.

It is not possible that so many of the things we enjoyed doing together prior to marriage just stopped being of interest to you. You have been outright lying to me since we started seeing each other.

Our problem is not a lack of communication. It is a lack of sincerity on your part. You admitted you broke up with me because you wanted to have sex with KK at her grad. You told me that sometime in the last few months. That is despicable behaviour. You had feelings for TG, but when I said something about it, you again lied to me about it. You said MM was just a friend, then I find out you intended to have sex with her, too. I feel like you have just been keeping me while you seek someone you want to be with.

Before marriage, we went canoeing, hiking, camping, dancing, bike riding. We did alot of things. I loved doing those things! I told you how much I loved doing those things. I was sincere. As soon as we were married, you wouldn't do any of those things. You wouldn't even go for a walk.

This is not a communication problem. It is outright deceit on your part.

We communicated the division of chores before we married. We discussed it several times. There were no arguements... just discussion and agreement. It didn't even take a month after the wedding for you to disregard that agreement. It was entirely your fault that we argued so much about chores. You made a commitment to me, and you did not honour it. I have no respect for anyone who behaves that way.

We had only been married for a couple of months when I realized I had ruined my life by marrying you. You made me miserable because of these things. But I stayed with you because I had made a commitment to you. I said I would be your wife. That means for life. And I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness to fulfill that commitment.

For years, I have watched other married couples. They touch each other. They hold hands. They sit beside each other. They speak to each other. They even share small kisses. In public, or in their homes when I'm visiting. One of my past employees expressed to me that he loved his wife so much that he didn't know what he would do without her. He had been married to the same person for 29 years! All I could think was "I wish someone loved me like that".

You have told me that you were initially attracted to me because I was different. You liked that I wore jeans all the time... I wasn't afraid to get dirty. As soon as we were married, you started pushing me to conform. You couldn't understand why I wasn't like other women.

You can't have it both ways.

These are NOT communication problems. They are a much, much deeper problem within YOU. You have to ask yourself WHY you felt it necessary to deceive me. WHY you felt it necessary to marry me, knowing who I was, if you really wanted something else.

I wasn't allowed to talk while you were watching TV. Your show was more important than what I had to say. You paid no attention when I gave you a back rub while you played on the computer. You didn't even acknowledge that I was there! I would walk across the room naked, and you wouldn't notice.

No. It was not a communication problem. It was a control issue. You wanted to control me. When I wouldn't let you, you withdrew your attentions. When I did do something you wanted, eg. cleaning the kitchen, you praised me like I was a puppy you were training.

I absolutely reject your hypothesis that the problem in our marriage was a lack of communication. The problem in our marriage was you needing to control every aspect of my life, from who my friends were, to what I wore, to what I did with my spare time. You never outright said it... you just put me down when you didn't like what I was doing or how I was dressed, or you would say negative things about my friends. Don't think you weren't trying to control me by doing those things. That is EXACTLY what you were doing.

You don't have a hope in the world of convincing me that our marriage fell apart because of a lack of communication. My life fell apart because of you misrepresenting yourself to me so you could take on the project of turning me into something I'm not.

I told you on the phone I did not want you to share what you are studying right now. You did it anyway. That is not miscommunication.... it is you willfully going against my wishes. You verbally acknowledged that I did not want to hear about it. Then you went ahead and did it anyway.

You don't care about me, my wants or my needs. You never have. It is time for you to stop trying to split the blame. It is time for you to stop justifying yourself. It is time for you to stop trying to figure me out. I am the person you married. You knew who I was before you married me. All you need to figure out is that I am me. No surprises here.

What you need to figure out is yourself.

And you do not need to tell me about it.

I don't want to hear it.

RDH