November 9, 2007

6:00am
The cat wakes me up, crying at the front door. Crying and crying and crying and crying.... Finally he stopped. Then I heard the kitty door swinging. Did he go out, or did he stick his head out and change his mind? I hear him jump onto the floor. Then he cries a couple more times. He stops. I decide I should go let him out so he doesn't pee in the bathtub.

In the living room, I call and call... no cat. I open the door and look outside. I call him. No cat. I go back to bed.

10 minutes later, I hear the cat jump onto his perch outside. I hear the kitty door swinging. I hear the cat jump onto the floor. Then he is on my bed, beside my pillow. He did go outside! He finally figured it out!

I lavish him with praise, telling him what a smart kitty he is.


7:15
Phone rings. I answer it. It is VN, calling to say happy birthday. I hang up.


7:30
Clock radio turns on. I listen to music for an hour then get up. Kept IJ home from school today. We spent some time on bible study together. DL joined us later.


11:30
IJ and I go to the mall to check out the craft fair. We smelled something really good. We went looking for it. Our noses lead us towards to grocery store. We went in to see if they had fresh cookies. The aroma was not coming from there. We exit. Slowly, we move through the mall... and find it!

Fresh, candied almonds!

We hit the jackpot! They were still too hot to eat. I bought some. Tasty.


12:45
We locate VN, and all go out to my car. We head home.


12:55
I am stopped on the road, signaling a left turn. Lots of traffic coming towards me. I check my rearview mirror -- a car is stopped a reasonable distance behind me. I look forwards again, but something catches my eye. I look in the mirror again... there is a truck coming up fast behind the car! No time to react... I tense up. I hear a sickening crash... followed by another crunch... tires screeching on the road... and my rear bumper is tapped.

Wow! Did we ever get lucky! All three of us had seatbelts with shoulder straps on. The car behind me saw the truck coming, and planted his foot on the break and set his handbreak. He got the worst of it. Initially, everyone was ok. By the time the police arrived, the driver behind me was feeling dizzy. They got him an ambulance.

My digital camera was in the car, so I took it out and took an overview picture followed by front and rear photos of each vehicle. I'll post some later.

The first thing the cop said was "Let me guess... someone was making a left turn,"

I put up my hand and said "that was me".

"... was hit from behind, and then another vehicle hit from behind."

"Close," I said. "The white car was hit from behind, and was pushed into me."

She started taking names, beginning with me. I gave her my licence, and I watched her write my birthdate in her notebook.

"I knew there was something I had to do today," I exclaimed. "My licence expires today!"

"Don't worry about it," she said.

She finished up with me and I got to go home.

Other stuff happened today... ran errands with DL, had a chiropractor visit, got a prescription from my GP for some skin cream, went to renew my licence... right after they locked the door! Ordered Chinese food, picked JMJ up at the ferry, arrived at the drug store minutes before they closed to fill out my prescription (the pharmacist was so nice... he turned his computers back on and filled it out right away).

I'm ready to sleep now.

What a day!

Miscellaneous Updates

VN is not staying with me any longer. She was only here for a week.

She was referred to a friend of a friend who had space for her and her St Bernard. She now gets free rent in exchange for housework and dog sitting.

Good deal.

---

It took JJ over a week to get JMJ into a school. I was talking to JMJ last night... he did not go to school yesterday. He was not feeling well.

I asked what his symptoms were. He said his ear is bothering him, and he has an upset stomach.

I recognize those symptoms.

The ear is unrelated to the stomache. His ear will bother him if there are allergens in his environment. He has a prescription nasal spray for that.

The upset stomach is stress.

He gets that most years at the beginning of school. He had a huge change this year... from a small class group and two or three teachers, into a high-school with 2000 students, and a class schedule to follow.

Hid dad likely has no idea about it. I know I told him about it each year. But he had no interest in being a parent. It was outside his realm of experience, so he paid it no mind.

Now, he is the parent.

He has alot to learn.

And he does not talk to me anymore.

He could learn from my experience. After all, he is a parent to my child. Who else could help him more?

I know he will not ask. I guess I should send him a brief email about it.

And try not to sound like I am telling him what to do.

---

The cat is still not using the kitty door. He does not like it.

At 5am today, I got up to let him out, and then discovered he had pooped where the litter box used to be. Other mornings, I have found a poop in the bathtub.

He is trying to be a clean cat. It is just tough for him right now, because I am as stubborn as he is.

---

I was catching up on laundry yesterday. After folding IJs clothes, I went to put them away. Usually, I tell him to put them away. This time, there was so much laundry, that I did not want to wait for him to come home from school, so I did it.

I started putting clean clothes into his drawers, and then I saw it: Rat Poop! In his drawer!

So I checked his other drawers.

They all had rat poop in them.

I took the drawers into the bathroom one at a time, and washed the contents. The bathtub is currently full of empty drawers. I need to sanitize them still. The clothes have all been sanitized.

The rat man came to check on the traps yesterday... they were all empty! So I now have only 1 trap inside the house... on top of the hot water tank, where they get into the house. There are 10 or so traps under the house. The idea is to catch them before they get inside.

The fact that no rats were trapped this time is a good thing. It means we got them! The rat man figures I had just one family of rats inside. I know the mother ate the poison I set out. We saw some dead babies, and the rat man caught a few half-grown rats (so did the cat).

The rat man will be back in a month to check traps again. If there are still no rats, he will come about every 6 weeks.

The trailer park management paid for the initial setup. I just have to pay the rat man for the follow-up visits, at $75/visit.

I plan to keep him.

A Note From VN

VN has been staying with me for a week now, and will be here a while longer.

I don't know... she took my last man, broke him, and now she wants ME to get some more!

I'll have to rethink having a roommate.

Sensational Stuff Transpires

Today is Monday.

And it has been a great day!

A client was very happy with my service last week. I've been doing their tax returns for 6 or 7 years now. Every couple of years, they give me a thank-you gift. Twice now they have given me a huge fruit basket with chocolates, cookies, gourmet coffee and whatever else they found. This year, they gave me a gift certificate for a meal at one of my favourite restaurants, and 3 gift certificates for a coffee shop I've been meaning to check out.

My clients are so good to me.

Tomorow, FdM is taking me out for breakfast.

Then, VN is taking me out for lunch.

My employees are so good to me.

JJ's car is out of my driveway.

The kids aren't fighting tonight.

The puppy is house-trained.

The discomfort of surgery is long gone.

It has been a really good day.

Now, I'll have a really good sleep to top it off.

May Contain: JJ; Recovery, Yard Work; Dogs; Star Trek; FdM; Stupid Advertizers; Peanuts or Other Nuts.

I noticed I hadn't written anything about JJ for a while. That is good. I saw him today... he cleaned the bird room when he dropped the kids off this evening. I went to the grocery store to get something for supper and for kids' lunches, and when I returned home, JJ was gone.

I felt nothing.

No pain. No urge to be with him.

Nothing.

He is just another person.

Of course, that is sad, too. Or, it would be, if he wasn't just another person.

I did some yard work today. Nothing strenuous... I'm still recovering from surgery. I cleaned up the dogs' land mines, picked up a bunch of garbage that has blown into the yard, removed some dead plants from the flower garden and some tree branches that blew down in the big wind storms we had this winter.

Then I decided to do some painting. I used JJ's car ramps as a saw horse, and laid my mouldings on them. Then I primed them. The car ramps are now partly white. They will still work when JJ picks them up. They are just a different colour now.

The yard looks much better now. Except for the white patches of grass where I was painting.

VN took the dogs to her place for the night on Friday. She wanted to give me a break during my recovery. FdM came over Friday night and we watched Star Trek Voyager. It was a nice, quiet evening -- just the two of us, on the couch together, watching TV.

I didn't zap the commercials out of my Star Trek tapes, so we watched them, too. It was really cool how we got into bashing the commercials. Some of those ad characters are really stupid!

So that is one more thing we have in common -- ad bashing. I'll have to teach him to play "Name That Commercial". The object of the game is to be the first to correctly identify the product being sold before the product is named. My sister and I have been playing since we were teenagers. Some commercials stump us every time we see them... they are so stupid, that they can't even make us remember what they are trying to sell us!

How "Over" Can Over Be?

JJ stopped by the office on Friday. He dropped off the child support cheque and the signed separation agreement. He gave me my house key back. He asked me to give him his.

He said goodbye, and turned to leave. I felt an almost overwhelming urge to give him a kiss, but I didn't. Not now. We're over. He left the office.

I felt an emptiness inside. He's gone.

Since I was at work, it didn't last long. Soon, the hustle and bustle of a busy tax office filled the empty space inside me.

When I got home, my sister told me JJ stopped by. They talked for about a half hour. JJ looked at the new counter-top dishwasher I bought recently and criticized it. It only holds 4 place settings. It takes up counter space. He thought it should be on the other side of the sink. He thought it would be better if it faced the sink instead of facing the stove. He thought a lot of things.

When I was telling FdM about it, I made the observation that my sister is able to interpret JJ's actions, while I react to them. She interpreted his statements about the dishwasher as a control issue. If he had said those things to me, I would not have analyzed his words... I would have defended my choices. I guess that is why we are such a poor match -- he wants control, and I have a brain.

FdM made an interesting observation about me. He said I can be really anal about how things get done, but at the same time I am very flexible.

When FdM was working for me two years ago, he politely suggested an alternate way to perform one of the office tasks. I heard him out, then explained why we do that task the way I asked him to. With 8 years' experience at that time, I had tried a couple of different methods. What I asked him to do was what worked best for me.

Last summer, VN adapted some procedures she was taught when she worked in an accountants office many years ago. She showed me what she was doing, and I helped her set it up to accomodate our clients' needs. She had a great idea. It will keep us from re-inventing the wheel for each new client.

That is one thing I love about new employees: The new ideas they bring with them.

But JJ doesn't give me any input. He just comes along and tells me how things should be done. That puts me on the defensive, the result of which is that I reject everything he says.

JJ tells me I'm his best friend. Then he treats me like a peon. I tell my employees their job is to make my life easier. Then I treat them like family.

Referee

VN took the day off work today. She called me at the office to tell me she ran into BH, who worked with us last year. I guess she told him what has been going on between JJ and I. She asked me to give her JJs phone number. I guess telling BH about it made her mad again. I refused to give her the number. She told me she has it written down somewhere at home, so I told her to look for it herself.

Next, I called JJ to warn him VN might be calling. That was all I knew. She didn't tell me what she wanted to say to JJ. JJ commented on how unstable my friends are. So I came back with "Just like your girlfriend".

I wasn't sure what he would say to that... after all, he said he was going to burn that bridge. I don't think he has, though. All he said was "Yeah...." Then I said goodbye and got off the phone.

JJ called me tonight. He didn't mention his girlfriend.

I'm With Stupid - NOT

I had this design in mind for my sister. The plan was to give her the shirt when her divorce was finalized. Well, she was recently dumped by her new boyfriend, and I've been feeling down, too. So, I finally designed the shirt.

I emailed it to her yesterday. She loved it! She wants to use it on party invitations.

I printed it and took it to work today. VN loved it! She wants the shirt.

That Was a New Experience

I'll start at the beginning.

I was invited to VNs place for dinner tonight. Between three of us, we drank a bottle of wine and a 2 liter bottle of cider. I had to drive home, so I only had one glass of cider. VN and KJ drank the rest of it.

VN wanted to go visit some other friends, so we left her place. KJs truck ran out of fuel before he got out of the driveway. Good thing... he shouldn't have been driving anyway. VN was getting a little impatient because KJ didn't get into my car right away. He was holding a small plastic gas can, and he swung it in her direction, hitting her on the forehead. Having grown up in a violent home, she has no tolerance for that kind of behaviour, so she told me to just go.

Well, when I started to pull away, KJ got even madder and started yelling at VN and hit my car with his gas can, hard. I sure wasn't going to stop and let him in under those circumstances, so I drove all the way up the driveway.

KJ ran up the driveway behind us, yelling and swearing at VN, and ran out onto the road right in front of my car. So, I stopped the car and hit the lock button. Then I hit the window button and got the windows up. I sure like those automatic gizmos now! He yelled and swore at VN some more, then said "just give me a ride home" and tried to open the back door. Just like that... with one breath, abusive speech, with the next breath, asking for a ride. There was no way I was going to let him into my car at that point. I did not trust him.

As we drove away, KJ yelling and swearing, VN phoned a male friend of KJs and asked him to call KJ and go pick him up. Neither of us wanted to see KJ again tonight. I left VN at another friends house, where she is going to spend the night. She doesn't want to be home alone tonight. I don't blame her. I've got my house locked up tight, and I wasn't even yelled at.

I've never been so close to a violent man before.

A number of years ago, I watched a neighbour chase his girlfriend out into the street. She was crying, he was yelling, but I did not witness any violence. I called the police and JJ and I kept an eye on them, in case he did become violent. I did not know either of them.

This time, I was sitting next to the target. My car received most of the physical abuse, and I felt secure locked inside. But this time, I know the violent man. And I know I will see him again. We live in a very small town.

Where did the puppy come from?

JJ tells me that one of his co-workers has a puppy she can't take care of. She got it on impulse: Saw a sign that said "free puppies". She thought "I want a dog!" so she took home a very young puppy. She quickly realized she was unable to handle a puppy. So, JJ offers to watch it for a couple of days so she can think about if she wants to keep it or not. She decides not.

Now, IJ spends the weekend with his dad, and plays with the puppy the whole time. JJ asks me if I know anyone who wants a dog... I tell him to bring it over and I'll find it a home. Big mistake. Both kids fall in love with it, promising to look after it. I say ok, we'll keep the puppy. The cat is unimpressed.

Fast Forward a few weeks. I find out that the "co-worker" does not work with JJ. They did briefly work at the same place several years ago, but are currently working in different industries. The "co-worker" is a single mother. JJ has been spending alot of time with this "co-worker" over the last few months. This "co-worker" is under the impression that they are dating. Probably because they are.

This brings up some questions:

Why is JJ trying to work things out with me if he is seeing Her?

Why did he lie to me about it?

Why did he give me her puppy?

What do I do about the situation?

I do want JJ to come back to his family. But he isn't sure he can let go of the past and start fresh with me. He isn't sure he can do what it takes to keep our family together.

I have spoken to a number of people about JJ. CE supports whatever I want to do. KH tells me men are selfish creatures who don't think about the consequences of their actions. DR advises me to cut him loose. VN phoned JJ and chewed him out. DL just asks how things are going and listens.

And then... I throw a monkeywrench into the situation. JJ wants to be friends if we stay separated. I tell him that can't happen. Every time I see him, I just want to hug him and hold him tight. Every time he calls, my heart jumps for joy. When we have a good conversation as friends, it makes me think we still have a chance. After all, I married my friend. If we are not going to be together, I cannot do that. I cannot talk to him on the phone. I cannot even be at the house when he comes to pick up the kids. If we are not going to be together, I must be totally cut off from him. He doesn't want to lose me as a friend, so now he's afraid to tell me it's really over.

This is unusual for me. I seldom deal in absolutes. I rarely see anything as black and white... there are so many shades of grey, that some middle ground can be met. But in this case, I must see in black and white. All or nothing. He's with me 100%, or I never see him again.

That hurts, too.

The lesser of two evils. I never believed such a choice could really exist. I always thought people were being over-dramatic when using that phrase. But here it is, in my lap. It hurts to think of never seeing him again. It hurts to think of seeing him, but knowing he's not mine.

It hurts.

What Happens when you hand a keyboard over to someone who is Drinking?

Yeah, I'm drunk. I just felt like it. It is pretty rare... I went to the liquor store and got a 6 pack of cider... I don't know why, but the cider gives me that buzz pretty quickly. I'm only half way through my third, and I'm backspacing as much as I'm typing right now.

JJ said he plans to catch the first ferry Sat. morn. and will go back on the last ferry Sat. eve. He has a cold, and since his mother just got out of surgery, he doesn't want to risk giving it to her by staying there. And, just as he doesn't think I should stay at his place, he doesn't think he should stay at mine.

JJ has been at his new job 3 months now, and he wants me to help him decide what level of bennefits he wants. It's nice that he has some choices.... none of his previous jobs has given him a choice.

VN has been transferred to the Local hospital. She feels much better being out of the big city hospital and being closer to home. She should be discharged in the next couple of days. So, that gives me something to do while JJ is visiting the kids at my place. I can always spend my time at the hospital. She will be staying with me for a while once she is out. At least then I won't be totally alone... I'll have another adult I can talk to.

I haven't spent alot of time feeling alone... but I have since my last cry. I've had VN's dog here since she went into hospital... a 7 year old St Bernard named R. I love having her here. My dog, J, loves her being here. PC isn't impressed... but then, when is a cat impressed? The hardest part about having R. here is that when the kids say something to R., I think they are talking to me.

Cider #3 is done.

Wow, this is unusual. I opened a 4th cider. 3 is rare, 4 almost unheard of.

I must be depressed.

I bought season 5 of 21 Jump Street today. The kids thought it was a cool s how. So, when I went back to the store to get some Tylenol, I bought season 4. Mostly, I just wanted to see Johnny Depp. I've been spending an awful lot on videos since I cancelle cable. I guess that wasn't a very good idea.

And now I'm letting some typos get by... I must be ready to go to bed.

Mabye soon.

I'm still working on my family tree. VN often tells me about conversat9ons she has had with AP. She sa9d something recently that me beli9eve he is related to JJ. So, I printed a list of Ps from the family tree, which she showed to him, and sure e nough, he is relate.d. But since she jad jer accident, I haven't met AP yet. HOwever, he did phone me when he heard she was in hospital, to make sure I new about it.e I hope I can meet him soon. We don't even k now each other, and he is thinking of me as family. ONce VN is out o fhoospital, We wo;; have to go see him.

Wow. Lo ts of typos

And I don't even care.

It mst be time to get to bed.

I just don't feel like it.

I've found that if I go to bed too early, I wakeup very early... like 3am. And tha ti s if I go to bed at 10:30 instead of 11:00. Pretty weird. I go to sleep at 11:00, and I dont wake up until afeter 7:00. I go to bed at 10:30, and i wake up at e 3:00. I'm up pretty late tonight, so I'll probablyu be asleep whe n JJ gets heere arounds 8: 30 .

I let my alarm go off on weekends at the same time as weekedays . I'm truying to stay on a schedule. It makes life easier. I hink I'll turn it off tonight.

I'm sure glad I know how to tuype,... I shudder thio think what this would look like if I couldn'tl.


I need to get osme sleep. I just don't feel like ti.

Cioder #4 done.

Ju mp Street sill plalying on TB. R sleeping at my fee. t. J sleeping on the ocuch. My logical self saying I should just og to bed. Tjomking about going to bed. Thinking about opeingin an other cider.

Trying to talk byself ou tof it.

Well, that centence should do it.

NOt yet, though.

DVD just ended, so I hit Play again. I've alway s liked Johnny Deppl. Never realized how good looing Peter DeLouise was until now.

I wonder if I'll be embarrased by this post tomorow.

I'm typing awfully slow now.

Just opened cider #5. good thing they only com ein a 6 pack.

Typing slow. Walking slow. I've only don e this a half zoden dimtes in my life... when I was 19, when I first moved into this place, and nowl. Good thing ciders come only in 6 packs.

I'm babbling. Can't help myself. Forgive me.

Feel numbe... physically. Not sure metntally. That's why I make plans bedfore drinking. Can't think straight enough to be responsible. Can't believe how slow I'm typing. That's why , when I'm out drining, I decide ahead of time how I'm getting home. I always put cab fare in a separate pocket before going out. Then I would always have a safe way home.

here I ajm babbleing again.

VBut I'm safe.

Good night.

(not even half way throuth cider#5. Going to bed now. )

R