Confrontations

I confronted my mother-in-law today. I wanted to do this way back in 2000, but JJ made me promise not to. He was worried about her response. I guess that is why I finally did it... because he is more concerned with his mothers' well-being than mine.

I use the word "confront", but my ultimate goal was to repair my relationship with MIL. She lives only 20 minutes away. The closest relative on my side of the family is 6 hours away. The kids see her alot, and I don't want to rob them of their grandparents. So, I had to talk to her.

I started the conversation with "Some things have been happening that has damaged our relationship. JJ tells me things you say, and I don't know if he is misunderstanding you, or if his recounting is accurate."

Being the genius that I am, I knew the truth would be somewhere between what JJ said and what MIL would say.

I would sure like to be a fly on the wall when they have their next conversation.

When I showed up at her house today, she had no idea what I wanted to talk about. She knew it was something serious, but I gave her no clues beforehand. I am certain she was not expecting this conversation.

I had a page of notes with me. I spent over a week thinking about what to say and how to say it. I prioritized the topics so smaller issues would be addressed first, and build up to the biggest. It worked out pretty well. JJ even gave me a couple of tips when I told him I was going to talk to his mother:

1. Don't cry. She sees that as a sign of weakness.
2. Don't raise your voice. She will see it as childish and end the conversation.

Well, my eyes leaked. They do that when I'm under severe stress. I'm not happy about it, but it happens.

I am pretty sure I managed to not raise my voice to her. On the other hand, MIL raised her voice to me three times. To be fair, the third time was part of an illustration, so I'll ammend my comment and say she raised her voice to me twice. I interrupted her twice, so it is possible I raised my voice then. Ultimately, we talked.

We talked. We argued. We disagreed. She made concessions. I made concessions. In the end, we still disagree on one big issue.


The Big Issue

She advises JJ to end our marriage. She thinks we will both be much happier apart.

I told her it is not for her to decide. I told her JJ is not her, that his experience is different from hers. It is possible for two people to work out their differences and save a marriage -- as long as both parties are commited to doing it.

I used my parents as an example. My sister and I were discussing mom and dad's marriage recently. She calls them the exception that proves the rule. They married young. They developed different interests over the years. And they stayed together. When one of them changes, the other adapts. This has been going on for 40 years now. And I don't expect that to change.

That is when MIL used my argument against me... She said that I am not my parents, that my experience is different from theirs. I'm not sure what she hoped to accomplish with that statement, but it did not phase me. It was an unanticipated comment from her, and I answered it promptly with "I'm not my parents. My parents are my example."

She dropped that line of reasoning.

I just had a thought: My parents are my example, but they do not tell me what to do. When I talk to them, they listen. They give a minimum of advice, and that advice is based on what I want. They do not tell me what to do. MIL did not do that when JJ confided in her. She just told him to leave me. She did not deny she said that to him, so it must be true.

Now I'm annoyed with myself. That sums up what I wanted to communicate to her: That her job as parent is to help, not to dictate.

The last item up for discussion was something she said to JJ only a week ago.

The Situation
I became extremely depressed. I didn't sleep for 2 nights -- I estimate about 60 hours awake. I lost my appetite. Thinking about food made me want to vomit. I experienced a bout of uncontrolable crying. I was light-headed and shakey. I stopped driving because I couldn't concentrate.

JJ and I were talking regularly that weekend. I told him what was going on with me. First thing Monday morning, I saw my doctor. He gave me a prescription and a phone number. When I came out of the drug store, I found JJ parked beside my car. He caught an early ferry because he was worried about me. It is the sweetest thing he has ever done.

He told his mother I was ill, and that I was having a really hard time with the separation. She told him I was not having a hard time, and that I was faking illness in order to manipulate him into staying with me. When he tried to explain to her how I was feeling, she refused to listen.

What We Said About It
When I brought up this subject, MIL started shaking. Lupus sometimes gives her the shakes, but this was much more. She spoke slowly, trying to find the right words, trying to explain to me what she meant that night. She did not deny anything I said.

And she did not address "manipulation".

I called her on that... I told her that is the issue we need to discuss. It was during this discussion that she raised her voice to me.

From her point of view, if I tell JJ anything about my life, I am trying to manipulate him. She even accused me of wanting him to come back! My reply to that was "Of course I want him to come back!" Wasn't she there for our conversation? It looked like she was. It sounded like she was.

I was not there to convince her JJ and I should be together. I was there to tell her JJ needs to make his own decisions. I seem to have a better grasp on that fact than she does.

After all that, we had some pleasant conversation about other stuff... just like we do when we meet for coffee. I even got invited to stay for supper. Pizza was ordered, we ate with pleasant conversation, and I took the leftover pizza home for the kids' supper.

That is what happened. We were talking / discussing / arguing for 3 hours. We cleared some things up. And we know where each other stands in regards to our differences.

I feel good about this. I've opened lines of communication that were previously closed. She can't go around making assumptions about me, because I've told her where I stand.

Yes. This is good.