Cancelled Plans

Why is it so upsetting when someone has to cancel out on me? It's not like they do it on purpose. Things happen. Situations change.

I understand that.

So why does it upset me so much?

I'm aware that it does, so I try to take steps to prevent it from happening. I remind people that we have plans several days beforehand. If I suspect someone might need to cancel, I ask them point-blank if they are going to be able to keep our plans.

I need to know ahead of time... at least several days... if plans are changing. That give me time to accept the change, and either change my plans as well, or just change my mindset so I'm ready to do whatever-it-was by myself.

A couple of different people have done this to me in the last year. Some things are unavoidable, like car accidents or illnesses. If someone has been in an accident, they are just going to change their plans. Nothing they can do about it.

Less drastic happenings have kept people from keeping their plans with me. That is a good thing. I don't want all my friends getting into car accidents.

So, why do I have such a hard time dealing with it?

I like to be spontaneous. I've had some great experiences by being flexible about my schedule. At the same time, when I make plans ahead of time, there is anticipation. I really look forward to fulfilling those plans, whether it is a week from now, or a year later. When something happens to change those plans, it is like running full-speed into a brick wall.

But why?

It doesn't stop me from going. Whether it is a business trip or a visit with an out-of-town friend, I am still able to go. It becomes a different trip without the other person, but I still go.

And I enjoy myself.

So, why it is so upsetting?

The answer is JJ.

He did it to me all the time.

When we had been married about 2 years, I wanted to go see Doug and the Slugs play at a local club. I asked JJ if he would go with me -- 6 weeks ahead of time! He said he would. So, the anticipation started.

Once a week, I would bring it up. I didn't want him to forget (again). I wanted to see Doug and the Slugs, and I did not want him to let me down (again). The last week of anticipation, I would say something about it every day. The morning of the big day, I asked him again if he wanted to go with me. He said yes. I was excited all day, looking forward to going out with him, and seeing Doug and the Slugs. I let him sleep in. I didn't ask him to do anything all day. I wanted him to be rested and ready to go.

I got dressed to go out about an hour before I thought we needed to leave the house. I was pacing in the living room, waiting for it to be time to leave. JJ was in the bedroom, so I figured he was getting ready to go. It was taking him an awfully long time, so I went to see what he was doing.

He was lying on the bed, in his grubby jeans and an old t-shirt, reading a book! I asked him why he wasn't ready to go yet. He said "I have a headache. I'm not going."

I was so angry! If he wasn't feeling well, he should have told me. If he just didn't want to go, he should have said so. It was time for me to leave, and I had no date, no friend to share the evening with. I went anyway. I had fun. And I stayed angry at JJ.

He did this to me more times than I can remember... and I can name people who believe I have a photographic memory.

Dance classes, SCA events, house parties, dinner parties, family functions, camping trips, dinner out. The list goes on and on. It was the same way every time. He says "yes, I will go with you". I go out of my way to arrange a babysitter, sometimes driving an hour or more to drop the kids off, only to hear "I don't feel well" when I get back home to pick him up. I did everything I possibly could to make it easy for him -- that's hard work! He would sit there, watching me make all the preparations, then at the last minute, he would let me down.

I know that is not what is happening now. I can see that my friends honestly need to cancel. We all have responsibilities, and sometimes unforseen events unfold, causing us to change our plans.

It is always disappointing.

It is not deliberate.

And I still find it difficult to deal with.

On top of all that, I can't even talk to my friends about it. They already feel bad that they had to cancel. They are disappointed, too. Anything I say will just make them feel worse. Making my friends feel worse will not help me feel better. It will just make things even harder for me.

I almost didn't write about this. I thought "what if one of those friends happens to read this?" Well, this blog isn't about my friends. It's about me. This is how I feel right now.

I needed to vent.

And this is how I do it.