Shut Out

JJ picked up the kids today. They are his for the next two weeks. We have been talking the last month or so... things looked really positive... he seemed to be really ready to make things work.

So what happened?

He has cut off contact with me this past week. He doesn't answer his phone when I call. He does not return my calls. When he does call, he says what he needs to say then makes some excuse to get off the phone before I can say anything.

I emailed him about it. He hasn't responded.

Then today, he shows up with gifts for me. He knows I don't celebrate Christmas, but he gave me 2 gifts. A $50 gift card for Bootlegger, and a box of Purdy's chocolates. I've been wanting to go shopping at Bootlegger, but they don't even have a store here. I'll have to make a trip into the city for that. I love Purdy's chocolates. I haven't opened the box yet, so I don't know what he picked out for me. But it's Purdy's, so I'll like it.

He cleaned JMJ's birdroom, then packed the kids into the car. He spoke to me for about a minute. "I know you've been wanting to talk to me", he says. Alot of good that does me. "Right now I'm thinking that we won't work". So why the gifts? Make up your mind!!!!

This guy is driving me crazy. I never know where I stand with him. He says he loves me; He says he wants to leave. He spends the night with me; He stops talking to me. He says he's ready to make things work; He says he can't forgive me.

Forgive me????

What did I do?

I loved him. I forgave him. I listened to what he wanted, and I gave much of it to him. I put the past behind me, and strove to make a fresh start.

I have done so much for him... why can't he do anything for me? Why is he abandoning me? Why is he walking out on his family? He thinks he is leaving me... but he is really leaving his family. It's not just me... it's the kids, too. He's leaving them, too. And he doesn't even realize it.

On top of all this, he wants to "still be friends".

How can I be his friend? Every time I see him, I just want to wrap my arms around him and hold him tight. Every time I speak to him on the phone, my heart flutters. I long to see him, to hold him, to be with him. How can I be "Just Friends"? Knowing that I can't have him, knowing that he doesn't want me anymore, how can I be "Just Friends"?

Seeing him, but not being able to touch him; talking to him, but not being able to reach him -- it tears my heart out. It crushes my entire being. Friends? Can't happen.

He's shutting me out. That leaves me no choice but to shut him out, too.