I'm Listening to Roy Orbison Tonight

I'm feeling very much alone.

The kids have been with their dad for a week now. I haven't seen FdM in nearly three weeks. We speak on the phone most days, but haven't been able to get together. One or the other of us is always busy.

FdM invited me out to a movie Tuesday. I couldn't make it... I go out Tuesday nights. So, he said Wednesday. Wednesday came along, and he ended up busy. So, he said Thursday. I couldn't... I have a regular Thursday night event. Friday, then. I drove DL into the city for an appointment Friday morning, and we were late getting back. I called FdM as soon as I was home, but it was too late for us to get together. He said Saturday. He had to work until 4:00. He called me at 4:30 to tell me he would be there until closing... 5:30. Now it is after 9:00 and I haven't seen or heard from him again.

I'm crushed.

I'm listening to Roy Orbison, just feeling sad. I don't want to feel anything else right now... this deep sadness is all I can handle.

I'm going to have a drink.

My eyes are leaking.

Great big drops of water keep rolling out of my eyes and down my cheeks. It makes my nose run.

I missed supper tonight. I was waiting to hear from FdM. I ate some strawberries while I made a Pavlova. I shelled some peas later and ate them. No actual meal, though.

I'm a little hungry, but I have no interest in food right now.

I'm too depressed.

I met JJ at the Court House when DL and I were in the city. We have completed our 1-year separation, so I prepared the next batch of paperwork for the divorce. We both needed to be there to sign papers this time. We were told it is currently taking 6 to 8 weeks to process them right now.

I have spent more time with JJ in the last two weeks than I have spent with FdM.

That really depresses me.

Every time I hear a vehicle outside, I feel a little glimmer of hope that it is FdM. That's a tough part about living in a trailer park... my neighbours are so close, I can't tell if a vehicle has parked in front of my place, or theirs. My dog can't tell the difference, either. He gets excited and starts barking, which gets my hopes up. Nobody walks up to my door. We are still alone.

On the positive side, JJ is looking awful. He is looking very old. He used to spend alot of time on his hair... now he doesn't have very much hair, and a bad haircut to go with it. His skin has a leathery look to it, and he looks tired. Overall, he just looks alot older. If I stood him next to his father, I think it would be tough for a stranger to figure out which one was the son.

I don't know what happened to FdM. Did he fall asleep after work? Was he in a car accident? Did he have a last-minute meeting with someone?

I hate not knowing.

I just heard some awfully loud noises in the kitchen. I put on the oven mitts and opened a cupboard door. I finally saw one of the rodents... it was a mouse. From the amount of noise it made, I was afraid it might be a rat. I'm glad it's a mouse. I hope my ratzapper comes soon.

I better not stay up all night stressing about FdM. I'll finish my glass of wine and go to bed. I'll read for a while and hopefully fall asleep.

I'm sure he will call in the morning.