Stupid Stuff Transpires

2008-01-06T22:39:00.000-08:00

Stupid Stuff Transpires Annually

Here we are, in another year. And JJ is still doing Stupid Stuff.

To be fair, it happened last month... 41 hours after my sister dropped the kids off with him for the holidays.

41 hours! That's nearly 2 days. How did he manage to last that long?

JMJ was misbehaving. More than that... he beat up HER oldest son. He won't tell me why.

Now, SHE doesn't want JMJ in her house. I don't blame HER.

I told JMJ that if I had a boyfriend whose child beat him up, I wouldn't want that child in my home.

JJ is using it as an excuse to not have JMJ visit him anymore.

That is a problem.

JMJ is a challenge to parent. I really need that little bit of time off for myself. It is in the kids' best interest.

How do I tell JJ that?

JJ has his own place. He does not live with HER. That means there is no reason why he can't have both kids visit him. The don't have to go anywhere near HER place.

In fact, I see no reason why he can't have both kids even if he did live with HER. He could visit the kids at his mother's place. Or at his sister's place. It's only 2 weekends a month.

I'm going to have to consult with a lawyer on this one.

And soon.

2007-12-24T20:45:00.000-08:00

Alone (I've Said That Before)

My sister and niece were here on the weekend. They are gone now. The kids are at their dads'. FdM is away.

It's just me and my dog now.

I've been sick for the last week or so. I had no voice all weekend. I'm still a little hoarse, but since nobody is here, I have no need to speak.

I am alone.

I played Scrabble on FaceBook all day today. I've had enough of computers for a while now. But I have nothing else to do right now.

It is only 8:45, and I am considering going to bed. I didn't get up until 10:30 this morning. Short day.

After being alone for 29 hours, I am only feeling lonely now.

I spoke to my dad today... he answered the phone when I called to see if my sister made it there ok. DL called to check on me because she knows I've been ill. GU called... we need to get together sometime this week to discuss business. Alltogether, about 20 minutes of phone calls.

Now, I'm alone.

I don't want much... I just want someone to talk to. Someone to cuddle with. A warm body next to mine.

Now I'm getting weepy. I better increase my dose tomorow.

Doctors' orders.

The real reason I sleep is so time will pass more quickly. I don't want to be alone, so I sleep to avoid it.

There are worse things.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Nowhere, I guess.

I'm lonely.

That's all.

2007-12-11T22:39:00.000-08:00

How Does He Do This To Me?

Yesterday, JJ called me. He doesn't know what to do with JMJ. He is defiant, refusing to go to school, and just taking up space doing nothing. So, JJ wants him to come back home.

JMJ wants to come back home.

Of course, JJ couldn't tell me that without also telling me that I'm a bad parent and making me really, REALLY mad first.

PMS time again.

I just got off the phone with him. JJ told me he is depressed. He is having financial problems, and he just lost his biggest account today. This is at least partly due to the time he had to take off work to get JMJ settled into school.

I could hear it in his voice... he is stressed. More than he is willing to admit... and he already admitted it! So, I know it's bad.

JJ has always refused to believe that depression is a medical condition. It is unlikely he will look for help. Instead, he told me that he won't be able to take the kids every second weekend anymore. I guess he thinks that will make a difference to his financial situation. I don't see how.

So now he has me worried about him. How does he do it. When he is depressed, he stops trying. I've seen it happen before. He needs help... but it is unlikely he will listen to me. It is more likely that in 5 years, he will tell me I was right. That doesn't help him now.

On the positive side, I did not get mad when he said he didn't want the kids as often in the coming months. He calmly explained himself, and then presented it as a solution. I know it is no solution. I also know he is not in a mental state where he will listen to me.

I think the best thing for me to do for him is to write a brief email suggesting he discuss it with his doctor. If being depressed is affecting his work performance, and enjoyment of life, it needs to be discussed. If I can get him to visit his doctor, then it is the doctors' job to explain it to him.

I will sleep on it. I'll email him in the morning.

2007-12-06T20:50:00.000-08:00

Depression Update

I ran out of anti-depressants nearly two weeks ago. I called the pharmacy to get a refill, and was informed that I could not have any more until I saw my doctor.

It took a couple of days to get in to see my doctor. I told him I needed a refill. We discussed my recent history... I was taking only 100mg all summer, when he had prescribed 150mg. By the time I ran out, I was taking 150mg again. I told him I wanted to stay on 150mg for a while longer. So, he wrote me a prescription.

I took it to the pharmacy, and told them I would pick it up after work.

Then I forgot.

So, I went yet another day without them.

By the time I finally took a dose, I had been without them for 5 days.

That night, I woke up at 3:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. My tummy was upset and my ears were ringing.

The next night, I woke up around 4:00 and couldn't get back to sleep. My tummy was upset, I was light-headed and my ears were ringing.

The third night, I woke up around 4:00 and couldn't get back to sleep. My tummy was upset, I was light-headed, my ears were ringing and my heart was beating fast.

I stopped taking them.

I don't know why they were affecting me like that... I've been taking the same thing for a year and a half.

I called the doctor the next morning -- Friday. His earliest availablility was Wednesday. I did not want to see some other doctor, so I asked the receptionist if there was any way I could get in to see him. She told me to call 8:30 Monday morning... the doctors at the clinic have started saving some appointment times each day so their regular patients can get in to see them.

Works for me!

I called Monday morning, and saw him early Monday afternoon.

After telling him what was happening, he suggested flushing my system of the anti-depressants. I am off them for one week. I see him again on Monday to discuss what to do next. He does not want me going through the holidays without them.

It is Thursday today. I have been off them for nearly a week now. I slept quite well the last couple of days. I have not been weepy at all.

Of course, nothing out of the ordinary has happened. No arguements with JJ. No problems with the kids. I have spoken to FdM nearly every day the last two weeks.

I am feeling pretty good right now.

2007-12-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

Grocery Store Update

Yesterday morning, I took my unwanted boneless, skinless drumsticks to the grocery store, went to the Customer Service counter, and said "I have a meat complaint".

I told the person there how I had purchased boneless, skinless chicken thighs, and found the drumstick meat wrapped up in the middle of it. I told her how I removed the unwanted portion of the meat and cooked the rest for supper.

She immediately apologised. She did not hesitate to refund me the full purchase price. Then she offered me a new package of boneless, skinless chicken thighs for free.

She went and talked to the butcher, who prepared a package for me (16 pieces!). He told her that someone had mis-identified the cut, thus the incorrect label.

Since I have never had this happen before, and I have been shopping at the same store for 7 years, I accepted the explanation.

And the free meat.

I have told a few people about this. That is why the store was so willing to give me a refund and make ammends. Word of mouth is a powerful means of advertizing. They would rather have me tell people how they made things right, than have me complaining about them.

That works for me. I would rather have them make things right with me than have something to complain about.

They did make ammends.

And then some.

2007-12-03T18:07:00.000-08:00

Grocery Store Rant

The grocery store I shop at, I chose because I like the quality of their meats and produce. I have to keep an eye on their pricing... they like to raise the price of meats that are going on sale next week, so I think I'm getting a better deal than I really am. For that reason, I always have in mind maximum prices I am willing to pay for different cuts of meat.

What they did today, though, was outright lie!

I bought a family pack of boneless, skinless chicken thighs. What I found when I opened the package was boneless, skinless chicken legs. Each thigh was wrapped around the drumstick meat!

I hate drumsticks. They are nothing more than a mass of tendons with rubbery snot-balls attached to them.

Had the packages been labeled "boneless, skinless chicken legs", I would have bought something else.

Of course, I did not know that was what they had done until I was home, ready to make supper, and opened the package.

So, I cut the drumstick meat off each piece, and put it back in the package. I diced the thighs and threw them into my wok as planned -- half as much meat as I was expecting. I wanted lots of leftovers for the freezer.

Tomorow, I will be visiting my grocery store with the drumsticks in their wrongly-marked package.

It is not what I selected.

I do not want them.

And I am going to let them know it.

2007-11-28T14:47:00.000-08:00

Mom With Power Tools In Experimental Mode

I do not have cable TV. It has been over a year since I last had cablevision.

I was bored a couple nights ago, so I tried an experiment. I attempted to build a TV antenna. At least then I can have 4 or 5 channels.

Supplies

plywood
wire coat hangers
coaxial cable

Built a small box out of plywood. Drilled two holes in the top. Cut top off two hangers and inserted them into the holes. Twisted ends of hangers together inside box. Used staple gun to stabilize hangers on top of the box. Used electricians' tape to attach coaxial cable to bottom ends of hangers.

Then I hooked it up to my TV.

It did not work.

I was not sure if it would work or not. It was worth a try... and it gave me something to do for an hour. Best of all, it did not cost me anything! Buying antennae is out of the question... I don't have $20. If I did, I would have cable!

In the process, I did find instructions online to make a simple antenna from 300 ohm twin-lead line. It is inexpensive... if I can find anyone who still carries it!

Mom With Power Tools is satisfied... she tried something new and learned something in the process.

It was a good project.

2007-11-13T21:55:00.000-08:00

Alone

That triggered an emotional response.

Early today, VN said I seemed lonely. Later in the day, LH said I looked tired. I felt lethargic. I have been sleeping alot the last few days. Then today, I had no appetite.

That was the thing that told me what is wrong -- No Appetite.

I am depressed.

I enjoyed a good laugh over JJs latest escapades.

Then, I was alone.

I initially felt somewhat overwhelmed at work today. It seemed like every 10 minutes, another job fell onto my desk. I caught myself jumping from task to task, not really accomplishing anything. It was difficult, but I managed to make myself finish a task. Then I made myself finish another task. Before I knew it, everything was done.

Then, I was alone.

I wasted some time on the computer, and some more work came into the office. By the time I left work for the day, I had a days' work sitting on my desk again, with a promise to have it ready for next Tuesday.

Now, at home, IJ asleep, I am alone again.

The house is so quiet. I sit here at the computer, not really wanting to do anything, but not wanting to go to bed. In bed, the house is even more quiet. I am even more alone.

Once in bed, I try to read. Some nights I can't concentrate on the book, and I give up. The last few nights, I have been awake late reading. I have been unwilling to turn off the light. In the dark silence, I am so alone.

Then, I wake up. I wake up, and I do not want to move. The house is quiet and empty. Everything is so still. I don't want to face it. I don't want to be alone.

I want to be asleep.

When I am asleep, I am not alone. When I am asleep, I meet interesting people and do interesting things.

I am not alone.

For a little while.

2007-11-13T21:43:00.000-08:00

JJ and HER

JMJ was telling me about his dad again this weekend. He tells me that JJ and HER fight alot. They yell at each other alot. They aren't getting along very well.

JMJ didn't say what they were fighting about. Just that his dad said "pack your bags... we're leaving!"

This was just a week ago. That means JJ is keeping HER PMS to himself now.

After some more fighting, and some calmer conversation, they made up.

Wow! I don't know how much longer those two will be together. VN expects JJ to come crawling back to me any day now. I think he is too smart for that... he knows I won't take him back.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life.

2007-11-09T21:33:00.000-08:00

November 9, 2007

6:00am
The cat wakes me up, crying at the front door. Crying and crying and crying and crying.... Finally he stopped. Then I heard the kitty door swinging. Did he go out, or did he stick his head out and change his mind? I hear him jump onto the floor. Then he cries a couple more times. He stops. I decide I should go let him out so he doesn't pee in the bathtub.

In the living room, I call and call... no cat. I open the door and look outside. I call him. No cat. I go back to bed.

10 minutes later, I hear the cat jump onto his perch outside. I hear the kitty door swinging. I hear the cat jump onto the floor. Then he is on my bed, beside my pillow. He did go outside! He finally figured it out!

I lavish him with praise, telling him what a smart kitty he is.

7:15
Phone rings. I answer it. It is VN, calling to say happy birthday. I hang up.

7:30
Clock radio turns on. I listen to music for an hour then get up. Kept IJ home from school today. We spent some time on bible study together. DL joined us later.

11:30
IJ and I go to the mall to check out the craft fair. We smelled something really good. We went looking for it. Our noses lead us towards to grocery store. We went in to see if they had fresh cookies. The aroma was not coming from there. We exit. Slowly, we move through the mall... and find it!

Fresh, candied almonds!

We hit the jackpot! They were still too hot to eat. I bought some. Tasty.

12:45
We locate VN, and all go out to my car. We head home.

12:55
I am stopped on the road, signaling a left turn. Lots of traffic coming towards me. I check my rearview mirror -- a car is stopped a reasonable distance behind me. I look forwards again, but something catches my eye. I look in the mirror again... there is a truck coming up fast behind the car! No time to react... I tense up. I hear a sickening crash... followed by another crunch... tires screeching on the road... and my rear bumper is tapped.

Wow! Did we ever get lucky! All three of us had seatbelts with shoulder straps on. The car behind me saw the truck coming, and planted his foot on the break and set his handbreak. He got the worst of it. Initially, everyone was ok. By the time the police arrived, the driver behind me was feeling dizzy. They got him an ambulance.

My digital camera was in the car, so I took it out and took an overview picture followed by front and rear photos of each vehicle. I'll post some later.

The first thing the cop said was "Let me guess... someone was making a left turn,"

I put up my hand and said "that was me".

"... was hit from behind, and then another vehicle hit from behind."

"Close," I said. "The white car was hit from behind, and was pushed into me."

She started taking names, beginning with me. I gave her my licence, and I watched her write my birthdate in her notebook.

"I knew there was something I had to do today," I exclaimed. "My licence expires today!"

"Don't worry about it," she said.

She finished up with me and I got to go home.

Other stuff happened today... ran errands with DL, had a chiropractor visit, got a prescription from my GP for some skin cream, went to renew my licence... right after they locked the door! Ordered Chinese food, picked JMJ up at the ferry, arrived at the drug store minutes before they closed to fill out my prescription (the pharmacist was so nice... he turned his computers back on and filled it out right away).

I'm ready to sleep now.

What a day!

2007-11-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

I Hate Having An Ex

JJ emailed me today about holidays for the next year. He only wants the kids until Dec 28. He wants to share Spring Break. And he wants them for the month of August.

When I saw his email in my inbox, I knew it would upset me. I determined not to reply to it today. I don't want to let my emotions antagonize the situtation. Besides, PMS week is looming. I have to be careful what I say this week, lest HER PMS be projected onto me.

The Dates
August is fine. July has better weather anyway.

Spring Break is 1 1/2 weeks this year... and I want to take them to Edmonton. That is a 3 day drive one way. That doesn't leave enough time to share.

And I have never had them before January 2 before. That's a problem. Especially this year: school doesn't start until January 7.

JJ said in his email that he has never had the kids for the whole Winter Break before. That is not true. He always does.

He also said he doesn't sit around doing nothing anymore.

That hurt.

JJ wants to do things with HER. He did whatever he could to avoid doing things with me. Now he wants to do things, and I'm supposed to be flexible for him.

For years, I have wanted to do something just for me over Winter Break. I have never had the money. It is the end of my "off-season", and there is no money left in the bank. So I usually sit around, depressed, wishing I had something to do. Wishing that I was in Montreal, photographing the Old City or ice skating on the canal.

I have had too many disappointments this year. I can't just not make plans again. I have to do something. I don't want to spend another winter just wishing.

I am going to go make some plans now. JJ needs to know what dates I can take the kids so he can make his own plans. I am certain I will not be around on the 28th. My back-up plan, in case I couldn't make it to Montreal, was to spend New Years' in a cabin at a hot spring with single friends.

2007-11-01T21:53:00.001-07:00

Mom With Power Tools Returns

Unwilling to let one failure stop her, Mom With Power Tools embarks on a new project.

Well, not really new. Just something she has never attempted before. The project has been waiting to be done for two years or more (something JJ never got around to).

In typical manner, there is no overhead lighting in my living room. My dining room is at one end of the living room, and also has no overhead lighting. A couple of weeks ago, I bumped into my only lamp and broke it.

It has been very dark lately.

JJs sister was redecorating a couple of years ago, and JJ brought me a light fixture that she no longer needed. He intended to put a cord on it and hang it over the dining room table.

It never got done.

Today, Mom With Power Tools decided it was about time it was done.

Off to the hardware store, looking for suitable electrical wire for the job. Found "portable swag lighting kit". Nearly perfect. It has a pull-chain on the bulb socket. Locate a rocker switch. Now, it is perfect.

Back home, Mom disassembles the old light fixture. It now has no electrical parts. That makes it easy to wash... put it in the dishwasher! Now, it sparkles.

Thread wire through chain. Install two ceiling hooks. Splice rocker switch into electrical cord. Make sure fixture is dry, and wire it with the new light socket. Add one light bulb, hang the light, and plug it in.

I have light!

And to think I have always avoided electrical work. It is the only course I ever failed in school (34% - not even close to passing). Aptitude tests have revealed that I would be bored as an electrician. That does not mean I cannot do it. It just means I had no motivation to pass the course.

Mom With Power Tools has regained her confidence.

I can do anything!

I am Mom.

What's next?

2007-10-31T09:26:00.000-07:00

Playing With Phone Solicitors

The phone rang last night. I answered it. A male voice I did not recognize politely asked for Mrs. J.

I said "there's no one here by that name."

He said "oh."

He didn't have anything else to say, so I hung up.

Then I started to laugh. I laughed hard! It made my tummy ache, I laughed so hard!

I needed a good laugh.

It was a very satisfying experience. I stopped a phone solicitor, and I didn't even have to lie to do it.

I am no longer Mrs. J.

I am Ms. H.

That was fun.

2007-10-28T01:09:00.000-07:00

What Is It Like To Be Drunk?

I have never analyzed what it feels like to be drunk before.

So, here it goes.

I have had 2 ciders, followed by 2 glasses of Apfel Korn (I think I had 2).

I am typing slowly. I am rocking back and forth, or side to side, as the mood takes me. I guess, in general, my head is swimming. It only took the two ciders to reach that point.

I can't walk a straight line... I touch anything solid I see as I walk past it to ensure my stability (physical, not mental).

My tongue is numb. My chin and cheeks also. Other parts of my body seem to have the same sensitivity to touch as normal (arms, hands, legs, feet). It takes a moment for my eyes to focus on the screen if I look away for a moment.

I make more typos.

I am more indecisive. I have backspaced over sentences, only to type the exact same thing again.

I have my wits about me enough to know I absolutely cannot drive... and I believe that if I have one more drink, I will be puking soon afterwards.

My nose is also numb.

Strange, the order that I notice these things.

My priorites seem to be different. I am planning to go to bed soon, without brushing my teeth.

Right now, I am thinking about having a glass of water... I remember Grandma telling me once that she never got hangovers... because she always drank a glass of water before bed. A cousin also told me once that if he woke up with a headache, he would drink a full glass of water, and go back to bed for a half hour to prevent a hang over.

My tummy isn't entirely pleased with me at the moment. I don't know if a glass of water will settle it, or make me puke. I guess if I puke, it is something I need to do.

I usually trust that my body knows what is best for me. I fulfill it's cravings, and honour it's aversions.

A glass of water is an aversion at the moment.

I think I will have one anyway.

Or, at least I will brush my teeth and drink as much water as I can tolerate. The mint in the toothpaste makes me thirsty. Maybe that will help.

If it doesn't, I guess I will be taking some tylenol in the morning.

2007-10-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

Movies

Different movies mean different things to me. The movie I am watching can be an indication of my mood. This is a list of movies, with their corresponding moods:

War Of The Roses
I first saw this movie with JJ early in our marriage. We laughed all the way through the movie. Afterwards, we both figured that was how we were going to end up one day.

I watch this movie when I am depressed about my relationship. I rented it during unhappy times in my marriage, and I purchased a copy a couple of months ago when the video store was selling off their VHS tapes. I now watch it when JJ is being a jerk. I have also watched it when I was unhappy with FdM.

Every time I watch it, I am amazed by the behaviour of the Roses. How do two people reach that point where they are actually trying to kill each other?

The movie is comforting in a morbid way: someone else is more unhappy than I am.

(FYI) I am watching this movie while I blog tonight.

Shrek / Shrek 2
I love alternate fairy tales. These two were brilliantly done! (Shrek the Third was disappointing)

Sometimes I watch these movies when I want to listen to music. Other times I watch them because I am lonely.

Shrek is lonely. Fiona feels very much alone when she is not true to her feelings. In the end, they are together.

It gives me hope for the future.

The First Wives Club
Three friends getting revenge on their husbands -- all of whom left them for younger women.

I watch this movie when I am thinking about JJ and want to cheer up. It has a happy ending -- and not just for the wives. One of the husbands has a happy ending, too.

I am not a revenge-seeking person. I would never plot, pursue or procure revenge. I do enjoy watching these women pull it off.

In the end, one of the husbands figures out that he made a huge mistake... and his wife takes him back. He was lucky that his wife still loved him and chose to forgive him.

This gives me hope -- hope that JJ will one day figure it out, too. It is too late for him... I will not forgive and take him back. I just want him to figure it out. I'm not looking for revenge... but I will be pleased to know he realized his loss.

I watch this movie when I am thinking about JJ and want to cheer up. It has a happy ending -- and not just for the wives. One of the husbands has a happy ending, too.

Knights Tale
The under-dog overcoming the odds to achieve his goals.

I am not necessarily in a particular mood when I watch this movie. I like the music. I like the story. If I'm in a bad mood, the love story lifts my spirits. If I'm in a good mood, I really connect with William's desire to be more than he is.

And I like to laugh.

Beauty And The Beast
I was touched by this story more than a decade before Disney got hold of it.

I have always been non-conventional. As a teenager, my friends would be mooning over some actor, going on about how cute he was. I couldn't see it. Generally, if others think a guy is particularly good-looking, I find him bland; ordinary. I am more interested in the unique.

I watch this movie (Disney version) when I am bored, or happy. I identify with Belle... the people around me notice that I am different, too. I like that her compassion and humility allow her to get to know the Beast and befriend him. I don't like shallow, narrow-minded people.

This story always makes me feel good.

The Little Mermaid
She gave up so much for the love of a man.

From the first time I saw the Disney version, I hated it. I saw a movie of this story more than a decade earlier, when I was about 8 years old.

This story had a strong effect on me. It is the ruler with which I measure all emotion.

It starts with the little mermaid rescuing the prince after his ship sinks. She falls in love, and sells her voice for a pair of legs. In the end, the prince marries someone else. One of the mermaids sisters sells her long hair to the sea witch for a dagger which she gives to the little mermaid. If she would kill the prince with it, she would become a mermaid again. She stands over the sleeping prince with the dagger in her hand, but she cannot kill him. Instead, she uses the dagger on herself. As she dies, she becomes a mermaid again.

I would cry every time I watched the movie. I would promise myself I would never watch it again. Then, when it was on TV again a few months later, I wouldn't be able to tear myself away from it.

The idea of a love so intense that she would give up so much captivated me. Not only did she give up a magical life as a mermaid to be with him, she took her own life rather than see him die (I never saw it as her committing suicide because she couldn't have him... I always saw it as her not wanting him to die).

If I'm watching Disney's version, then I am in a strange mood. I will watch the movie, then complain about how the story was changed. It lacks the emotional intensity of the original story. I am likely looking for an arguement. Not to be contrary, but to have a lively discussion.

Any Foreign Language Film
I like to rent foreign language movies when I am alone. The kids don't have the patience to read a movie. It is just as well... they usually aren't suitable for children.

I find these movies intellectually stimulating. I usually can't watch the whole thing in one sitting... it requires too much concentration.

What I like about these films is that they are not white-washed Hollywood fairy tales. They don't shy away from showing a little dirt. A body isn't naked to titilate the audience... it is naked because people are usually naked when in that particular situation.

The subject matter of the films is also different. One that stands out in my mind is a Polish film about security personel in the subway. Can you imagine Hollywood filming an entire movie in the subway?

Use of languages also stands out for me. Many European films freely integrate different languages. It is not uncommon to find two or three different languages spoken in a single film. The more I study languages, the more I appreciate this feature. It is a wonderful experience to realize that I suddenly understand the dialogue... even when it is not in English. It encourages me to continue to learn more... and to rent more foreign langage movies.

When I'm watching foreign films, I'm looking for a unique experience. I'm opening up to the varied possibilities in the world. My mind is fully engaged -- both to keep up with reading the dialogue, and to take in and appreciate how it differs from the pablum that Hollywood feeds me.

Star Trek: Voyager Episodes
I have a dozen tapes of Voyager episodes I recorded. Yes, I am a Trekkie. I enjoy Star Trek in all of its forms.

Sometimes I'm watching Voyager because I want to escape to a different time and place. Nothing odd there... isn't that why people watch TV in general?

FdM likes Voyager. It is one of the first things we did together: watch my Voyager tapes. Now, when I am lonely, Voyager is one of the things I like to watch.

If I am watching an episode I have seen with FdM, it reminds me of when we watched it together. If I am watching and episode he has not seen yet, I think about how much he will enjoy it when he does see it.

So, when I watch Star Trek: Voyager, I am with FdM; whether he is here or not.

Teddy Ruxpin
This is a wonderful adventure series. It is non-violent and still manages to be exciting.

I enjoy watching this cartoon with my kids. It is an extended adventure... each series of events is a part of the whole, larger story. The show proves that it is possible to be interesting and exciting without an adult rating.

I sometimes watch this show without my kids. I am attracted to the friendship enjoyed by Teddy and his friends. They are extremely loyal to each other -- which is an attribute I value highly. It is all so simple for them: Help your friends, and tolerate your enemies. It is nice to have things laid out that simply from time to time.

I am usually in a pretty neutral mood when I am the one to put Teddy Ruxpin in the VCR. The simplicity of the Good VS Evil scenario keeps me in a good mood.

Star Wars The original trilogy
I am nostalgic when I watch these movies.

I was 10 years old when I saw Star Wars for the first time in 1977. I grew up anticipating the next episode.

As I watch the movies, it invokes memories of the first time I saw each of them, memories of the speculation surrounding the "teasers" we read in magazines (Han Solo decorates Jabba's palace -- how many ways can we interpret those words?). We used to write our own radio plays about possible sequels and record them.

When I am watching these three movies, I am longing for a simpler time, when my biggest responsibility was getting the potatoes peeled before dad got home from work.

Nostalgia; I had a great childhood. I had some great friends. It is something worth remembering.

21 Jump Street
A TV teen crime drama.

I don't usually go for drama. I am more of an adventure/comedy personality.

I didn't like the show when it was being filmed. I didn't get into it until it was in reruns a few years later. I now own the entire series on DVD.

I have some favourite episodes, and a list of episodes I would rather skip.

When I am depressed about JJ, I like to watch Johnny Depp. He is one of the (very) few "cute" actors that I think is attractive. I will watch any Johnny Depp show when I am depressed about JJ.

It wasn't until I owned the whole series that I realized how good-looking Peter DeLouise was. Not someone my friends would have swooned over, but I find him attractive -- I just had to get to know his character first.

Now that I have the whole series, I find that Peter DeLouise is much more "real" than Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp has the physical beauty, but Peter DeLouise relies more on his personality, and that is a much better measure of his "attractiveness" than how he looks.

Black and White Movies
I have always enjoyed watching old movies. The old black and whites. Even some silent films.

When it comes to Silent Films, it is an intellectual thing. I am interested in the history of entertainment. So, in addition to being entertained, I want to know what people found "entertaining" a century ago. One of my favourites is Metropolis.

Again, it is a simpler time. Most B&W films are older, from a time when people did not feel the need to lock their doors. They did not feel the need to use violence to catch the attention of the audience.

When I am watching B&W movies, I am looking for wholesome entertainment and insight into the values of the past. Or, I want a good laugh (have you ever watched a B&W Sci Fi film?). I guess the biggest draw of the old B&W films is entertainment. Non-violent, simple entertainment that gives me something to think about (the simplicity of times gone by).

I am likely to add titles or genres to this post in the future. If so, it will appear below this paragraph. For now, this will do. I guess it boils down to: I watch shows to be entertained; or to have my mood lifted or reinforced.

2007-10-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

Mother In Law

MIL does not speak to me anymore. She has not spoken to me at all since I brought JMJ home form her house last Spring.

JJ tells me MIL does not like me blackmailing her.

It appears that she chose to take something I said out of context and twist it around so I am the bad guy.

Too bad.

For her.

Every time I am out and about, I keep an eye open for her. I have been waiting to bump in to her on the street, or at the mall.

It finally happened last week.

IJ and I were about to leave Sechelt when I spotted MIL and NH walking down the street. IJ wanted to say "hi", so I parked the car and we went over to see them.

IJ and NH had a nice chat, and MIL did not say much... out of character for her.

It was nice.

Everyone was pleasant. IJ and NH made plans to go out for lunch the next day.

When NH picked IJ up for lunch, IJ asked him to fix a toy for him. NH took the toy home with him, and a couple of days later, dropped it off at the office when I was working. We exchanged a few friendly words, and he left.

I looked out the window while we were talking, and I saw MIL in the parking lot... pacing.

She really does not want to talk to me! She was irritated just being nearby... and she was at the far side of the parking lot - thinking that I did not know she was there!

It does not bother me that she will not talk to me. It is actually somewhat of a relief. I think it is funny! She once told me that she was intimidated by her mother-in-law... I am not, so she has a problem with me. It is hilarious!

As long as it does not affect the kids.

I have mentioned to 3 or 4 people that MIL is not talking to me anymore. I am careful to not say anything around the kids. I seem to have reasonable contact with NH, so I can still make sure they are not isolated from their grandmother.

I just do not have to talk to her!

2007-10-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

JJ Is Unhappy

When I picked JMJ up at the ferry this weekend, he was telling me about his dad and HER.

One of the things JJ told me he likes about HER is that SHE is willing to relocate to be with him. I was always resistant to the idea of moving.

It turns out, SHE has only moved once in HER life... out of HER mother's house and into HER own house when SHE got married. SHE has been in that same house ever since.

JMJ was telling me that SHE is going out drinking alot right now, having second thoughts about moving. JMJ was telling me that his dad is sometimes happy with HER, and sometimes very unhappy with HER. JMJ was telling me that his dad is having second thoughts about marrying HER.

I have known all along that JJ does not love HER. I thought he was not going to figure that out until after 3 or 4 years of marriage. He has already given HER an engagement ring, so his life may still play out that way. On the other hand, if he is having second thoughts now, maybe he will figure it out before he takes that step.

I was watching "The First Wive's Club" a couple of nights ago. Near the end of the movie, Morty's girlfriend says to him "I'm not Brenda, you know". Morty says "No. You're not." He managed to figure it out... before it was too late. His wife still loved him, and she took him back.

For JJ, it is already too late. It has been for some time now. Sooner or later he is going to realize that what he really wants is me. And he is going to find out that it is too late. He probably knows now that it is too late. Maybe that is why he is so unhappy right now... SHE is not working out, and he knows it is too late to get me back.

It makes me a little bit sad. I do not want to see him suffer. Right now, I would like nothing better than for things to work out between JJ and HER, and for the three of us to communicate and do what is best for the kids. The problem is, SHE is not the kind of person who would ever do that. That is why JJ is having second thoughts... SHE is the wrong kind of person.

Part of me is sad that he is unhappy.

Part of me is pleased.

I do not hate JJ. I never have. Through all the pain, suffering and heartache he has caused, I have never felt hate towards him.

There is still a tiny part of me that still wants to be with him. There is a tiny seed that I keep away from the light, and that I do not water. It looks like something good to grow, but looks are deceiving. If I were to plant this seed, to make it blossom and come to fruit, it would turn out to be poisonous.

JJ has a very strict moral code he lives by. It does not allow him to have a relationship with two women at the same time. So, when he met a woman he liked, he promptly left his wife. His conscience is satisfied.

Loyalty is the single most important characteristic any friend can possess. JJ has shown himself to lack that trait. I will never be able to trust him again. With no loyalty, and no trust, there will never be any respect. Without these three things, there can be no meaningful relationship.

2007-10-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

Cats!

I am still trying to get my cat to use the cat door I installed. He is using it consistently now to get into the house, but has yet to use it to go outside. He asks out the door when I am awake, and when I am sleeping, he licks my face with his rasp of a tongue until I get up and throw him out.

I was telling FdM about it last night, and he theorized that the cat thinks I am really stupid for having a door that he can only use to come in. He is waiting for me to put in another door so he can get out, too.

I came up with an idea: Put his food outside on the perch. Then he will have to use the door to get out.

This morning, I did just that.

As the cat watched, I filled his food dish, reached out through the cat door, and set it down outside.

What did the cat do?

He sat at the window, looking at his food, and meowed! Several times, he pawed at the window -- right beside the cat door! Once he looked at his food through the cat door (it is clear plastic), and I thought he was going to figure it out... but he didn't. He went back to pawing at the window and meowing.

I pushed the cat door open, and held it for him, hoping he would go through. He approached the cat door, and actually stuck his head outside. He lifted his right forepaw, and was about to step through the door, when he changed his mind and came back in.

Then he started meowing again.

So I left him.

When I was ready to go out for the day, I brought his food inside. I was expecting rain, and didn't want his food out in the weather. I put the cat outside, and off I went.

When I returned home, the cat was inside.

It's nice to know the door works in at least one direction.

2007-10-08T19:09:00.000-07:00

PMS Time Again?

I left a message for JJ to confirm that JMJ would be on lthe 6:30 ferry tonight. Once his phone was ringing, I realized that I had not checked if it was running late or not. It would have been rude to hang up, so I left a message saying he would be on the 6:30 ferry, and that I would call back if it was running late.

Well, it was running 10 minutes late. So I called him back to let him know.

That makes 2 phone calls to JJ this weekend.

Did I do anything wrong?

Apparently, I did.

The kids and I went out for chinese food, then came home to get JMJs stuff before going to the ferry. JJ had left me a message, in a rather annoyed tone of voice, to not call him until JMJ is actually on the ferry.

I have a problem with that. We have only been doing this for a month. I am not ready to blindly put a child on the ferry... I want to confirm that we are on the same page, and that he will be there. After all, if he is at his place, and not HER place, he is more than an hour from the ferry... and it is only a 40 minute crossing.

When IJ and I got back home, I called JJ and got his message system. I left a simple message: "JMJ is on the ferry", then I hung up.

JJ called me a few minutes later.

SHE gets upset when SHE hears my voice. I told him that is his problem and not to make it mine.

He asked me to not sound so friendly on the phone. It makes HER think that I still want him. I told him that he is the one that wants me... I do not want him.

I'm not sure he heard that first part.

As I recall, a couple of months ago, SHE was on his case because SHE thought I spoke to him in a rude, disrespectful manner. SHE just can't make up HER mind!

I told JJ that I did nothing wrong, and that he should tell HER to keep HER PMS to HERself.

He didn't comment on the PMS statement.

I've been marking it on my calendar... July, August and October, about the second week of the month, I have had these difficulties with them. I don't know how I got so lucky as to miss it in September, but October came right on schedule.

July: SHE was jealous that we communicate. HER jealousy manifested itself as pushing him to chew me out for telling JJ what was going on in the kids' lives.

August: SHE told JJ that I was trying to control him. It manifested as JJ being completely uncooperative, and doing the opposite of anything that came out of my mouth.

October: SHE thinks I still want JJ. SHE is trying to break down our lines of communication because of HER own insecurities.

So far, this month has been much easier on me than previous months. But the week isn't over yet. It is likely that JJ will tell HER what I said. SHE may make a 2am phone call to me. In which case, I will be hiring a lawyer and taking action against HER.

I hope SHE doesn't make me go to that extreme.

But I won't back down if SHE does.

2007-10-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

Mom With Power Tools Meets With Failure

The bathroom door has been broken for a couple of weeks now. It is a minor thing... the little metal thingy came off of the doorframe, and now the door will not latch.

Mom With Power Tools found everything she needed to fix the door already in the house.

Mom is a Packrat.

It is just a simple matter of sinking two screws.

Or so she thought....

The new piece has its screw holes in different positions than the old piece, which is a good thing. The installation will be more solid.

First, drill guide holes. Second, attach screwdriver tip to drill and sink the screw.

Oops -- too much torque.

The screwdriver tip slipped, and the edges rounded themselves off in the screw.

Now Mom With Power Tools has no screw driver, and one screw drilled half-way into the doorframe.

Now the door definitely will not close.

Solution: use pliers to grasp the screw, and undo what has been done.

The door still will not close, but there is no screw sticking half-way out of the wall to threaten the family.

Mom With Power Tools bides her time, until the door is off-guard, to try again another day.

2007-10-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

Burned Out

That is what the rats have done to me. I just can't clean anymore!

My house is a total disaster... not the minor disaster it usually is. I can't stand being here! I'm already planning how to spend my day at the office tomorow so I don't have to look at my home.

Note: I teach tax school tomorow morning, then I'm free for the rest of the day.

Half of the cupboards in the kitchen are still waiting to be sanitized. That means half of my kitchen stuff is sitting in the living room. I dropped a piece of paper I was reading tonight... it landed on the far side of the table. Now I can't get it back... there is too much stuff in my way!

The rats are gone... but their legacy remains.

And I hate their remains.

2007-09-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

Good Evening, Madame Treasurer

A couple of weeks ago, I was phoned by the President of a local non-profit society, and asked if I would consider taking on the position of Treasurer.

Prior to that call, I was only vaguely aware of the existence of that society.

A friend was using their services.

Prez told me that they had been looking for a new treasurer, and that my name had been mentioned a couple of times as a reliable person, capable of doing the job.

Prez said "you are well-spoken of among your peers."

"My friends have been lying about me, have they?" I replied.

The Society does advocacy work for the poor and disabled, and operates an emergency shelter. They are also looking for ways to provide shelter for the local homeless population.

The commitment is only a few hours a month, mostly doing what I do at work. So I already know half of my job! I get to do some research on non-profit societies, and research is one of the things I love about my job.

I'm really excited about this! I have enough new stuff to learn to make the job interesting, with enough familiar stuff to avoid New-Job Stress.

And with me taking care of this previously-neglected position, Prez has more of his time available to help clients.

While we were talking today, I mentioned that one of my tax clients is working on a project called "The Hundred Dollar House"... it is a 10'X10' structure made of reclaimed materials. His idea was that it could be used to house the homeless.

Prez likes the sound of it.

Now I need to check my records and contact this client, see if he is interested in meeting with the Society, and possibly putting his project into practice.

Volunteer work always manages to make itself interesting.

2007-09-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

JJ Is Thinking About Moving To Alberta

When I suggested the same thing a year ago, so we could make a fresh start, away from the friends and co-workers who have heard all our negative stories about each other, he rejected the idea. He didn't want to give up his friends.

He didn't want to give up HER.

Now he's thinking about moving.

And I have to talk to him about it... I wrote it into our Separation Agreement. One of us wants to leave the province, so I have to talk to him about it.

IJ will be devastated. He wants to see his dad more, but wants to live with his mom. He misses his brother.

If JJ and JMJ move to another province, IJ will only see them a couple of times per year. And I will have one depressed ten-year-old on my hands.

To make matters worse, when JJ called me tonight to let me know what ferry they would be on, he said that he did not spend much time with IJ this weekend. He was sleeping or working all weekend.

So, IJ will be telling me all about that when he gets home.

For years, I was trying to make JJ see how much his kids want to spend time with him. I thought that once we were separated, he would have to spend time with them. Instead, he got himself a girlfriend, and SHE takes care of his kids.

He has learned nothing.

2007-09-24T20:26:00.000-07:00

Happy Anniversary

I have been blogging for one whole year, today.

I just finished reading over my first few posts. Not much has changed.

I am not depressed about JJ anymore.

I am still writing about the stupid stuff he does.

There is still some sadness that he chose to leave me.

And there is alot of relief now that he is really gone.

Too bad he can't stay gone.

2007-09-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

Miscellaneous Updates

VN is not staying with me any longer. She was only here for a week.

She was referred to a friend of a friend who had space for her and her St Bernard. She now gets free rent in exchange for housework and dog sitting.

Good deal.

It took JJ over a week to get JMJ into a school. I was talking to JMJ last night... he did not go to school yesterday. He was not feeling well.

I asked what his symptoms were. He said his ear is bothering him, and he has an upset stomach.

I recognize those symptoms.

The ear is unrelated to the stomache. His ear will bother him if there are allergens in his environment. He has a prescription nasal spray for that.

The upset stomach is stress.

He gets that most years at the beginning of school. He had a huge change this year... from a small class group and two or three teachers, into a high-school with 2000 students, and a class schedule to follow.

Hid dad likely has no idea about it. I know I told him about it each year. But he had no interest in being a parent. It was outside his realm of experience, so he paid it no mind.

Now, he is the parent.

He has alot to learn.

And he does not talk to me anymore.

He could learn from my experience. After all, he is a parent to my child. Who else could help him more?

I know he will not ask. I guess I should send him a brief email about it.

And try not to sound like I am telling him what to do.

The cat is still not using the kitty door. He does not like it.

At 5am today, I got up to let him out, and then discovered he had pooped where the litter box used to be. Other mornings, I have found a poop in the bathtub.

He is trying to be a clean cat. It is just tough for him right now, because I am as stubborn as he is.

I was catching up on laundry yesterday. After folding IJs clothes, I went to put them away. Usually, I tell him to put them away. This time, there was so much laundry, that I did not want to wait for him to come home from school, so I did it.

I started putting clean clothes into his drawers, and then I saw it: Rat Poop! In his drawer!

So I checked his other drawers.

They all had rat poop in them.

I took the drawers into the bathroom one at a time, and washed the contents. The bathtub is currently full of empty drawers. I need to sanitize them still. The clothes have all been sanitized.

The rat man came to check on the traps yesterday... they were all empty! So I now have only 1 trap inside the house... on top of the hot water tank, where they get into the house. There are 10 or so traps under the house. The idea is to catch them before they get inside.

The fact that no rats were trapped this time is a good thing. It means we got them! The rat man figures I had just one family of rats inside. I know the mother ate the poison I set out. We saw some dead babies, and the rat man caught a few half-grown rats (so did the cat).

The rat man will be back in a month to check traps again. If there are still no rats, he will come about every 6 weeks.

The trailer park management paid for the initial setup. I just have to pay the rat man for the follow-up visits, at $75/visit.

I plan to keep him.

2007-09-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

Mom With Power Tools Completes Another Project

I hate Kitty Litter Boxes. They stink. The litter gets tracked all over the house. They take up space.

Liquidation World recently received a shipment of pet supplies. I bought a Kitty Door for $10.

I was all set to replace one of my windows with a piece of plywood with the Kitty Door in it. Then I read the instructions. They said I could cut a hole in my window glass and then install the Kitty Door!

So, I called a glazier and asked if he could do it.

He said yes.

So, I took him my window, and he put a hole in it.

He didn't even charge me!

IJ helped me put the Kitty Door on the window... he held it in place while I screwed it together.

I built a platform and screwed it to the window frame. Then I put the cat on it.

He is nervous about using the Kitty Door, so I came up with a plan: tape the door open during the day so he can see that he can get through. Once he has used it a few times, he should be able to push it open on his own.

I managed to coax him through the Door twice today. Both times, he sat on the platform for a minute, then came back in on his own.

It's just a matter of time, now.

Mom With Power Tools is awesome!

2007-09-16T22:02:00.000-07:00

IJ Is Upset

IJ went to his dad's for the weekend.

I picked him up at the ferry tonight.

He cried half the drive home.

I asked him what was wrong. I tried to get him to talk to me. He just sat there, looking out the car window, sniffling.

I was asking him about his weekend when it started. He was talking, then he became sad. Then he turned away from me and the sniffling began.

I told him I would talk to him about it if he wanted to. And I told him I would talk about something else if he wanted me to.

He didn't answer.

So I waited for him to be ready to talk.

We had a good evening when we got home. He finished his homework, and went to bed without trouble.

I still don't know what's wrong.

2007-09-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

JJ Is Pretending I Do Not Exist

JMJ is living with JJ now. After a week of school, JJ still hasn't found a placement for JMJ yet. He better find a school for JMJ, fast!

JJ has decided to cut off all communication with me. He let me know which ferry JMJ would be on Friday evening so I could pick him up. He then failed to ask at the terminal if the boat was running on time.

It wasn't.

I found out when I arrived to pick him up. As I was walking to the ferry slip from the parking lot, an announcement came over the PA that his boat had just left Horseshoe Bay. It was running 30 minutes late!

I emailed JJ on Thursday or Friday that I would put JMJ on the 6:30 ferry Sunday night.

He did not acknowledge my email.

I phoned him several times Sunday asking him to tell me that he knew when JMJ would be arriving in Horseshoe Bay.

He did not acknowledge my phone calls.

I put JMJ on the ferry anyway, but was very uncomfortable doing so.

I emailed JJ today, telling him that if I do not hear his voice telling me that someone will be there to pick up the kids, I will not be putting them on the ferry.

He replied: "I will answer your emails."

That was all he wrote.

That still does not address my concerns. Just because he emails me on Friday that 6:30 is good on Sunday does not mean he will remember on Sunday -- or that he is still alive on Sunday!

2007-09-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

A Note From VN

VN has been staying with me for a week now, and will be here a while longer.

I don't know... she took my last man, broke him, and now she wants ME to get some more!

I'll have to rethink having a roommate.

2007-09-04T18:12:00.000-07:00

Mom With Power Tools Strikes Again!

I visited Canadian Tire on the weekend to buy a circular saw. They had them locked in a cabinet, so I had to track down a salesman. I told him what I wanted, and he said "do you want a skill saw or a circular saw?".

I guess he's hard of hearing.

Or thinks that Moms don't know what they want when it comes to tools.

Then I went to the building supply store and asked for two sheets of standard 3/8" plywood.

They didn't question my decision.

I took it all home, and started fixing the one-eyed-monkey-designed kitchen.

I needed to finish the partitions between the bank of drawers and the cupboards on either side of it. The rats are getting under the sink, and then into everything else.

Measure, saw, glue, nail.

Done.

Next, the cupboards above the sink. The vent pipe for the water drains goes up one end of those cupboards. The rats have been climbing it and getting into that cupboard, and the ceiling.

Two boards cut and nailed in diagonally to block access from the pipe to the cupboard. Line the seams with steel wool, and another job is done.

Lots of wood left, so I construct partitions for the cupboards above the stove... if the rats do happen to chew through again, they will have an additional obstacle to get through. Plus, items can be stacked now without falling into the next cupboard. More convenient for storage purposes.

After lining the cupboards with mac tac to hide the raw plywood, Mom With Power Tools retires for the night, satisfied that the rats can no longer invade her kitchen.

Mom With Power Tools suffers from a false sense of security. In the night, the rats chewed a fresh hole in the ceiling and got into a cupboard previously unknown to them.

Mom Wisth Power Tools becomes Mom With Rat Poison.

I am Mom.

2007-09-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

He Called

FdM called me at the office a few minutes ago.

I was so relieved to hear his voice.

The last few days, he was just eating and sleeping.

He's feeling much better today.

And he thanked me for all my phone calls.

2007-09-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

I Still Haven't Heard From Him

FdM has still not called me. Tomorow, I'm at work all day. IJ is home from his dad's and starts school tomorow. I need to be home after work.

Not knowing how he is doing is frustrating. It is upsetting. It is depressing.

I would much prefer a 30 second phone call from him, telling me how he's doing -- good or bad.

Not knowing is really getting me down.

2007-09-03T09:38:00.000-07:00

Concerned

FdM and I had plans to go to the Vancouver Art Gallery on Wednesday. He called me several times that morning with updates. He finally had to cancel... he wasn't feeling well.

We spoke on the phone on Thursday. The first thing he said was "I haven't checked my messages".

We spoke on the phone Friday. He suggested we go to the gallery on Saturday.

That was the last time I heard from him.

I'm worried about him. I have left him a message every day, but he has not called back. He is probably still not checking his messages.

I'm checking my messages. Even if I don't leave the house... I check the machine regularly to make sure I haven't missed a call.

I even checked for messages at the office.

I'm not being obsessive... when I'm in the driveway cutting plywood, I can't hear the phone. If I'm doing laundry, I can't hear the phone. I was in the office anyway, feeding the fish, so I checked for messages.

I'm going to walk the dog.

Maybe there will be a message for me when I get home.

2007-09-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

These Rats Are Driving Me Crazy!

After the incident with the Rat in the cutlery drawer, I went shopping and purchased everything on the list I posted... except the mint. I forgot the mint.

I spent the better part of the day on Friday trying to Rat-proof my kitchen. I stuffed all the holes with steel wool. I cut plywood and made partitions to keep the rats out of the cupboards. I set up my Ratzapper with fresh bait and turned it on.

By the time I went to bed Friday night, I was satisfied that the Rats could not get into my kitchen.

Saturday morning, I got up and checked on the Ratzapper. The red light on top was flashing... I caught a Rat! I switched the power off, then picked it up. It was empty! The Rat went inside, ate the bait, and left! He was supposed to be electrocuted.

I was not happy.

I made myself a cup of tea. I opened the cupboard door and got myself some sugar. As I was sipping my tea, I saw it... Rat Poop in the cupboard. I was sure they could not get into that cupboard. I went looking for a way they could have gotten into that cupboard... they chewed a new hole in the ceiling!

That was it! I had had enough! I went to the local nursery and bought Rat Poison. I have been trying to avoid poison... I don't want any poisoning accidents. Alot of animals live in my neighbourhood... and in my home.

I cleaned the cupboard above the hot water heater (in the bathroom). They are getting into the house there, so I knew they would be back. I put a package of Rat Poison there, then washed my hands thoroughly.

Within an hour, I could hear Rats eating in that cupboard. I resisted my curiosity impulse, and did not open the door. Instead, I just smiled.

Today, the cat has made regular trips into the cupboard under the kitchen sink. He hasn't brought anything out though.

I will probably peek into the bathroom cupboard before going to bed, just to see how much of the Poison the Rats have eaten. If they finished off that batch, I will set out a fresh package for them. The box has 8 packages in it.

I don't want them to run out.

2007-08-30T22:24:00.001-07:00

JJ Update

I have noticed a pattern to JJ's stupidity: it comes around the same time every month.

SHE gets PMS!

And SHE has it bad, too.

I think that is hilarious. Just one more mark in my favour... I don't suffer from the emotional turmoil of PMS. I never have. A number of years ago, JJ told me that I wasn't totally immune to it... I guess he thought I was a little cranky on occasion. What I didn't do, was push him into doing things he knows are wrong -- like those 2am phone calls.

This month, SHE has decided that I am trying to control him. This was manifested in part by him demanding that I do certain things. He made some unreasonable late-night phone calls to my sisters' house when I was there. KH answered the phone, because it is her phone. So JJ and SHE decided to argue with KH. KH ended up calling the police for advice, and they told her how to block a phone number from calling her -- and said that if JJ called again from a different phone, to call them right back and they would be able to take action.

One of the unreasonable demands he made on me was that I take the paperwork back to the courthouse now that I've corrected it.

I said "no".

I told him, I've put alot of time and effort into preparing the papers. I made sure they were properly signed. I paid the initial filing fee -- he paid the second filing fee, which was considerably less than the initial fee. There is no fee for submitting the correction, as long as you have your receipt. He lost his receipt. I am not about to pay the fee again just because JJ lost his receipt.

My final word was "You do it. If you want to get married, you will make sure you get a divorce. It is your responsibility."

He had no further arguements on that point. He knew I was right.

He would save himself so much frustration if he would just treat me like a human being. Somewhere along the line, he decided that he did not have to be courteous to me. This is nothing new. It has been going on most of our marriage. It is just getting worse now.

He has started saying things just to hurt me. He was never so obvious about it before. Now that he suffers from PMS, he does it regularly -- on schedule!

"My mother says you threatened her. She doesn't like you anymore."
"You are unstable."
"You cheated on me!"
"I was comparing you to other women."
"You abandoned your kids."
"I don't want to hurt the kids... I want to hurt you."
"SHE is afraid you will hurt HER or HER kids."
"I don't like the way you spend the child support money."
"You tried to run me over! I'm going to sue!"
"As soon as JMJ is living with me, I'm cutting the support cheques in half."
"You don't even know how to give a blow job!"

Some of these things would hurt him if I said them to him, but have no effect on me. Some are untruths or halftruths that he has a history of repeating to me. Some are just plain stupid.

Some of them hurt.

2007-08-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

Rats!

And I mean rats!

In the last week, the cat has brought me 2 young rats. He doesn't eat them, so I have to dispose of them.

Tonight, I decided to clean my wine bottles in preparation for bottling my wine. I had cleaned about half of them, when I needed something out of the drawer. I opened the cutlery drawer, and a young rat was sleeping in it! He scurried around a bit, then jumped out of the drawer, into the cupboards.

That startled me! I was not expecting to see a rat. I haven't seen one in the house for a few weeks now. The two the cat brought me came from outside.

I yelled, and jumped back. Now I have to wash everything in that drawer... and everything in the other drawers, and everything in the lower cupboards....

It never ends!

The cat knew something was under the sink, so I opened the cupboard and he went right in. I closed the door behind him... it doesn't latch, so he can push it open when he wants out. After a few minutes, I heard some scuffling. When it stopped, I opened the cupboard door, and out came the cat with a rat in his mouth.

He took the dead rat into the living room, and played with it a bit on the carpet. The dog approached cautiously, and sniffed at it. The cat picked it up and tossed it in the air a couple of times.

I let them play with it for a couple of minutes, then I got out a garbage bag and disposed of the body, followed by disinfectant spray on the carpet where they were playing with it. Then I told them that if they wanted to play some more, they would have to get another one.

I have really had enough of this. I made a shopping list for tomorow:

circular saw
rubber gloves (lots)
disposible painting suit (2)
1/2" plywood (2)
nails
carpenters' glue
safety goggles
mint
bleach

I read that a mixture of peppermint and spearmint acts as a rat / mouse repellent. So, I have been applying mint extract after I clean each area of the house. I don't know if it really works, but it is worth trying.

Tomorow is devoted to plugging up the rat holes they use to get to my food and dishes.

I don't ever want to see them in my kitchen again!

2007-08-22T22:51:00.000-07:00

It's Not Easy Being Green

Ok, I'm not actually green... but I am different.

I have been different most of my life. Since elementary school.

When I was 7 or 8 years old, I wanted to be a fire fighter. Or a stunt driver. Maybe a doctor, or a mechanic. Stock Car racer was on my list, too.

By the time I was in high school, I wanted to be an astronaut. I looked into becoming a pilot in pursuit of that goal. I wanted to be a vetrinarian. I wanted to be a special effects technician. I wanted to be a computer programmer.

My friends were talking about who was cute, and how many kids they wanted. I was talking about what kind of truck I would drive, and how many dogs I wanted.

When they were buying lipstick, I was buying comic books.

They wanted to rent romantic movies. I wanted science fiction.

They were reading Teen magazines. I was reading Omni.

One day, they confronted me and asked me if I was a lesbian.

Ouch.

A couple of times, when rough-housing with them, apparently I accidentally touched someone somewhere private. Add that to the fact that I had no interest in looking for a boyfriend, and they thought I had sexual interest in them.

It took some time to get over that.

I am still different. Most people simply can't understand me -- or can't be bothered. Makes it hard to have close friendships.

Even my own husband had a problem with me being different. He was initially attracted to my sense of adventure and willingness to get my hands dirty. He thought of me as a unique individual.

Then he left me because I was not like other women.

It's not easy being green.

But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean,
or important like a mountain, or tall like a tree.

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why wonder?
I'm green, and it'll do fine. It's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be.

2007-08-17T22:05:00.000-07:00

Power Portrait

The photo of me I have posted here is a very special photo. It is a self-portrait (with a little help from my kids).

Technical:
I used a 30 second exposure at f5.6 on a Cannon AE1 52mm lens.

Incidental:
It was shot in November, when the nights are dark, in my back yard with all lights turned off. We were carrying flashlights to see what we were doing. One kid operated the camera while the other "drew" me with glow sticks. He was still short back then, so he couldn't reach the top of my head.

We had alot of fun playing with the glow sticks in the dark. I had been planning the shoot all summer... it just never got dark enough for us to do it until Fall. Then JJ left me -- it was our first separation -- 2003.

The landlords had sold the house, so we needed to do the photo shoot before we moved. There would be too much light pollution at the new house -- our new neighbours would live much closer to us than in this house.

Significance:
The kids and I shot off a whole roll of film that night. We tried alot of different things. This is the only shot of me. I have called it my "Power Portrait" since the first time I laid eyes on it. I love the way there is nothing at the top of my head: the light is unable to contain me; I exude so much energy, so much power, that I cannot be contained. The light, which is usually associated with power, has no choice but to yield to me.

In Closing:
This portrait is my visual representation of my separation. The power and the strength that I need shine through the darkness to defeat it.

I am strong.

2007-08-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

Resolution?

I started my day on Monday by thinking about what I wanted to say to JJ, and then I wrote it down. I read it several times, to make sure it was non-adversarial. I didn't want to argue... I wanted him to listen to reason. I had 4 main points. I numbered the order I wanted to discuss them, then I phoned him at work.

When I identified myself, he started talking like we were best friends. He sounded happy, jovial. I had to interrupt him to get the conversation started.

I told him we had to talk. He asked "about what?" "2am phone calls." "What do you mean?" "JJ! You were there!"

I couldn't believe he was acting like it had never happened!

He knew he was out of line with his phone call. He made excuses... SHE put him up to it. I knew SHE had. He made excuses for HER. I said something about the second phone call, and he said "what second phone call?" "When SHE called me." "SHE called you? I didn't know that."

SHE picked up his phone when he was in another room, and called me without his knowledge.

By the time I had gone over everything in my notes, he was still talking to me. He hadn't hung up on me. So we continued to talk for a while. I found out that SHE doesn't let him answer his phone when SHE is around. SHE makes him let it go to voice mail, then check if it is me or the kids calling.

SHE is very insecure. SHE is jealous of me. HER ex has never communicated with HER the way JJ and I do, so HER perception is that there is something wrong with us. SHE is afraid JJ will decide he wants to come back to me.

I guess SHE forgot the part where he cheated and lied to me. I wouldn't take him back if he did want to. He is soiled now. I don't want him.

I was talking to RW and LV this afternoon. They had some good advice for me (I knew they would). Since I was able to have a decent conversation with JJ Monday, when he was at work, RW suggested only calling JJ when he is at work, so SHE doesn't have to know about it.

Now why didn't I think of that!?

Sometimes we just need a second brain to look at a problem.

2007-08-12T02:54:00.000-07:00

Irritated

That's an understatement.

At 2am, JJ phoned me. I'm glad I was already awake... I woke up with a tickle in my throat, and it had just gone away when the phone rang. The shock of a loud noise like the phone waking me from a deep sleep makes me nauseous.

Since it was 2am, I didn't answer it. I couldn't hear the message from my bedroom, so I got up and played the message. I thought it was JJ, but wasn't positive. I needed to know.

Well, he called me at 2am to tell me not to leave him a message every 12 hours about the same thing. "If I don't return your phone call, that means I didn't do it."

I spoke to him Thursday evening. I asked him if he had time to go to the courthouse on Friday to check on our divorce papers. I had already confirmed that they had been processed... I needed to know if the judge signed the divorce order, or if I needed to submit further information. Naturally, I phoned him early Friday evening to ask if he had managed to get it done. I didn't hear from him, so I phoned him late Saturday morning and left a second, nearly identical, message. He left a message with IJ early Saturday afternoon: "Mom, dad said the answer to your question is 'no'".

So why is he calling me at 2am? My first thought was that SHE put him up to it. I called him right back, and got his voice mail. I left him a short, angry message: "Are you drunk or just stupid? Don't you ever call me at 2am again."

Then I prayed for reasonableness.

Just because he is acting childish doesn't make it right for me to do the same.

That was when the next phone call came, at 2:30.

It was HER. SHE asked if I had learned my lesson about leaving so many messages for JJ. I told HER that if SHE wasn't calling about my kids, SHE had no business calling me, and I hung up.

So there I am, lying in bed, my heart pounding, nasty things running through my head, visibly irritated. I couldn't sleep... I had to vent. Unfortunately, I have no one I can phone at 3am. I decided to make a cup of tea and a blog post.

I kept telling myself: "Be reasonable. Be reasonable." After all, that is what I prayed for. Calling HER house every half hour is not reasonable. Calling JJs cell phone just to fill up his mailbox is not reasonable. Driving to the office and setting the fax machine to HER phone number is not reasonable.

I just wanted a nice, relaxing cup of tea. Too bad I threw away all of my tea when the rats were in that cupboard.

I made a hot lemonaid with strawberry honey instead. I can feel the warmth of it spreading through my body now. I should be able to sleep soon.

HER behaviour worries me. JMJ wants to go live with his dad. What kind of behaviour is he going to learn from HER? Even with just weekend visits once or twice a month, my kids are going to be exposed to HER. And there isn't even anything I can say to the kids about it. SHE is a part of their dad's life... I can't prevent them from being exposed to HER.

I'm going to have to talk to JJ about it. HER actions have the potential to endanger my children. I could block HER phone number, but if my kids are at HER house and need to call me, I wouldn't get the message. I can't turn my phone off at night... 2am phone calls are usually emergencies, and I don't want to miss an important call. A restraining order seems drastic.

I am just going to have to impress upon JJ the importance of civility -- and hope that he tells HER to mind HER own business. I can't tell him how to handle HER. SHE is his new lover -- he still thinks SHE can do no wrong. Perhaps I should simply refuse to acknowledge HER. Not mention HER at all when I talk to JJ about this. Lay all of HER words on his shoulders.

I'm still visibly irritated. Maybe I won't be able to sleep tonight after all. I just won't mention that to JJ.

I'm going to go read for a while now. Perhaps I will fall asleep.

2007-08-09T20:05:00.001-07:00

Rodent Update

The official word on the mice is : They Are Not Mice. They are Rats.

That is why the mouse traps did not catch anything.

That is likely why my mouse traps are Missing In Action.

The new cat killed a large rat shortly after we left on vacation. How do I know it was shortly after we left? The maggots told me. They were getting hungry. Wasn't much left of that rat.

The cat killed another, smaller, rat shortly before we got home. How do I know it was shortly before we arrived? The blood was still wet, and the body was not yet stiff.

And the smell! Oh, it was awful!

I set up the tent in the yard so I could empty the utility trailer into it. Then, I lined the utility trailer with some heavy plastic, and started throwing things out. Anything that was touched by rat poop or maggots.

The living room was cleared right out, and I rented a carpet cleaner on Monday. On Mondays, I get to keep it for 48 hours for the price of 24 hours.

I cleaned the carpet, then I cleaned the carpet, then I used a strong bleach solution in the carpet cleaner and bleached the life out of the carpet.

Then I did it all over again the next day.

I've had the fan running, all the windows open, and the heat turned on trying to dry out the carpet. It still smells in here... I'm hoping total dryness will make the rest of the odour go away.

I checked on the areas I used the spray foam. The rats chewed right through it! Someone suggested using steel wool to stuff the holes. I did that as soon as we got home. It is still in place.

End Of The Roll is opening just down the road soon, so I want to wait to buy new flooring from them. I've wanted to remove the carpet since I moved in here, anyway. This smell is giving me good reason to stop putting it off.

I received my Ratzapper right before leaving on vacation. The instructions said rats are very intelligent, so to put bait into the trap with no batteries until the rats had taken the bait. As soon as one rat successfully takes food out of the trap, other rats will follow, no matter what happens to his buddies after that. They hadn't taken the bait yet when I left, but it was all gone when I got home. I have batteries and bait in the zapper now, but have not caught anything yet.

FdM asked me if any of my neighbours was doing a major rennovation or yard work. The answer is "yes". I now have 2 neighbours engaged in major rennovations. One of them is also doing some serious landscaping. That is why I all-of-a-sudden have rats. Their homes have been disturbed.

Now, they have been disturbed in my home, too. I eliminated their food supply, I set out scary mouse traps, and I have a dangerous cat.

I'm still not sure they are gone.

But it shouldn't be long now.

2007-08-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

BC Supreme Court

When we filed our divorce papers, I was told it was currently taking 6 to 8 weeks to process from the date of submission. I was given a phone number that has an automated message telling me what submission date is currently being processed.

I called that number a few minutes ago. They are currently processing Aug 3.

That is six days ago! Less than a week!

I should have called them before I went of vacation. Even today is only a month since our submission date. I certainly did not expect to hear the voice tell me I have already been processed!

I just called JJ (as I write this). He is going to stop by the courthouse tomorow and see if our application was accepted, or if we need to submit further information.

I just might be divorced before summer is over.

2007-08-08T22:13:00.000-07:00

Summer

Wow! It's been a month since my last post!

I took the kids on a road trip. We had a great time! Camping in Banff and Jasper, visited my parents.

I never got to do stuff like that when I was married to JJ.

He always insisted we couldn't afford it. It wasn't the kind of vacation HE wanted, so we didn't go anywhere.

For the record, I am still married to JJ. The papers have been filed, and I am just waiting for the judge to look at them and say either "yes" or "no".

It has been a good summer so far:

Bought a utility trailer
Went camping
Painted my bedroom
Cat killed a couple of rats
Met my new neighbours
JMJ has gone salmon fishing with my parents
IJ has a job helping the new neighbour with landscaping
FdM missed me when I was away
I visited my favourite bakery and bought a dozen Birkenstam

Yes, it has been a very good summer.

And half the summer is still to come!

2007-07-08T20:22:00.000-07:00

I Got Off My Butt And Did Something About It

After not hearing from FdM for 24 hours, I drove to his place. I was worried about him. I buzzed up to his apartment, and shortly after, I heard his voice on the intercom. I was so relieved!

I've been stressed about not hearing from him all day. It built up to the point where I had no appetite, and even felt sick to my stomach. The only other time I have ever felt stress to that point was when JJ left me.

FdM came out and we went to a nearby coffee shop. We sat and had tea together and talked for a couple hours. He kept trying to get me to order some food. I told him I was too stressed to eat. He said he would feel better if I ate something. I said "too bad... I can't eat right now."

I'm hungry now... I think I will eat soon.

FdM said "I'm sorry I upset you. You can yell at me tomorow." I told him I didn't need to yell at him. I was worried, not angry.

I need to talk to him about a few things. I didn't bring any of them up today, though. He was pretty tired when I saw him. I'll talk to him when he's more alert. I need to talk to him about itineraries, events and work.

To keep busy today, I did some of the dirty little jobs I've been putting off. I went after the mice.
I bought a can of expanding foam and filled in some of the holes the mice are using. The cupboards above the stove needed to be completely cleaned out... looks like the mice have been there for a while. I threw out all of the food in those cupboards. I just don't feel like consuming the sealed packages when so many opened packages have been decimated by the rodents. It ALL got thrown out.

Now I need to make a trip to the dump.

When I opened the cupboard, I saw a great big mouse climb up the pipe in the corner, and into the ceiling.

That hole has been filled now.

I filled the holes where the water pipes run through IJs bedroom from the bathroom to the kitchen. Now the mice can't use his room as a highway.

I opened up the wall to look at the hot water heater again... the hole in the floor next to it is huge! It extends under the bathtub so far that I can't see how far it goes. That is where they are getting into the house.

I don't know how I'm going to repair that.

I was thinking about the mice running around in the ceiling... and decided to check the furnace chimney. Good thing I did... there is a large space the mice can use to get in and out of the ceiling there. The furnace has no pilot light, so I can safely use the spray-foam to fill that hole. I'll have to do that tomorow. I used up all my foam today.

Hmm... the water heater also has a chimney. I better check that out tomorow, too.

Once I was done cleaning and foaming, I took off my rubber gloves and my disposable overalls and threw them in the trash. I washed up, then mopped all the floors with a bleach solution. I'm doing that frequently right now.

Then I went to FdMs place.

So, that was my day.

Now I'm ready for something to eat. Then maybe I'll do some sewing or painting for a little while.

I'm doing the outside of my bedroom door in an early-Mondrian style.

It's going to look so cool.

2007-07-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

I'm Listening to Roy Orbison Tonight

I'm feeling very much alone.

The kids have been with their dad for a week now. I haven't seen FdM in nearly three weeks. We speak on the phone most days, but haven't been able to get together. One or the other of us is always busy.

FdM invited me out to a movie Tuesday. I couldn't make it... I go out Tuesday nights. So, he said Wednesday. Wednesday came along, and he ended up busy. So, he said Thursday. I couldn't... I have a regular Thursday night event. Friday, then. I drove DL into the city for an appointment Friday morning, and we were late getting back. I called FdM as soon as I was home, but it was too late for us to get together. He said Saturday. He had to work until 4:00. He called me at 4:30 to tell me he would be there until closing... 5:30. Now it is after 9:00 and I haven't seen or heard from him again.

I'm crushed.

I'm listening to Roy Orbison, just feeling sad. I don't want to feel anything else right now... this deep sadness is all I can handle.

I'm going to have a drink.

My eyes are leaking.

Great big drops of water keep rolling out of my eyes and down my cheeks. It makes my nose run.

I missed supper tonight. I was waiting to hear from FdM. I ate some strawberries while I made a Pavlova. I shelled some peas later and ate them. No actual meal, though.

I'm a little hungry, but I have no interest in food right now.

I'm too depressed.

I met JJ at the Court House when DL and I were in the city. We have completed our 1-year separation, so I prepared the next batch of paperwork for the divorce. We both needed to be there to sign papers this time. We were told it is currently taking 6 to 8 weeks to process them right now.

I have spent more time with JJ in the last two weeks than I have spent with FdM.

That really depresses me.

Every time I hear a vehicle outside, I feel a little glimmer of hope that it is FdM. That's a tough part about living in a trailer park... my neighbours are so close, I can't tell if a vehicle has parked in front of my place, or theirs. My dog can't tell the difference, either. He gets excited and starts barking, which gets my hopes up. Nobody walks up to my door. We are still alone.

On the positive side, JJ is looking awful. He is looking very old. He used to spend alot of time on his hair... now he doesn't have very much hair, and a bad haircut to go with it. His skin has a leathery look to it, and he looks tired. Overall, he just looks alot older. If I stood him next to his father, I think it would be tough for a stranger to figure out which one was the son.

I don't know what happened to FdM. Did he fall asleep after work? Was he in a car accident? Did he have a last-minute meeting with someone?

I hate not knowing.

I just heard some awfully loud noises in the kitchen. I put on the oven mitts and opened a cupboard door. I finally saw one of the rodents... it was a mouse. From the amount of noise it made, I was afraid it might be a rat. I'm glad it's a mouse. I hope my ratzapper comes soon.

I better not stay up all night stressing about FdM. I'll finish my glass of wine and go to bed. I'll read for a while and hopefully fall asleep.

I'm sure he will call in the morning.

2007-07-01T20:05:00.000-07:00

The Prize For The World's Rudest Man Goes To....

A couple of things happened this week that JJ needed to know about. The first was the mice... the kids were distressed about the rodents, so I asked JJ if he could take them a day or two early. He said he would check his schedule and get back to me. A few hours later, he called and said he couldn't. I said ok.

End of story.

The second thing was JMJ... all week he avoided doing the chores I asked him to do. On Saturday, I told the kids I would take them to a movie if they got their chores done. I gave them each a list... about 2 hours worth of work. JMJ said "dad told me he would take me to that movie, so I won't go" and then didn't do his chores. I called JJ to tell him about it. This is a discipline problem... JMJ cannot be allowed to hold me hostage like that. Hid dad needed to know.

End of story.

Today, JJ called me first thing in the morning and bluntly told me that I have to stop bothering him with every little problem that comes up because he is no longer my husband.

This made me very angry. We are supposed to communicate matters affecting the kids. That is what I was doing. He actually ended up hanging up on me.

A couple of hours later, I called him again and told him he had been very rude to me and that he owed me an apology. He said he didn't think he did. Another argument. I asked him if he had a slut whispering in his ear. He said "no" and became defensive. I don't remember which one of us hung up that time.

Two hours later, he called me and apologised. It turns out that SHE is jealous. SHE doesn't like that we talk. I said to JJ "so I was right".

JJ still insists that he wants to be friends. Then he allows HER to push him around and be rude and uncompromising with me. I told him that if he wants to get along with me, he has to stop giving in to HER pressure.

He said he loves HER.

I doubt that very much. SHE is the Other Woman. There is only a 5% chance that their relationship will last beyond 5 years. He is one confused puppy... and he doesn't even know it.

When JJ called to apologise, I couldn't hear any background noise. He likely went out to his car to make the call in private. So the kids couldn't hear him, which is appropriate. And so SHE couldn't hear him, which would make his life difficult.

There are two things SHE has that I don't: SHE works full-time, and SHE owns a house.

And he called ME a gold-digger.

2007-06-29T21:36:00.000-07:00

JJ's Hypocrisy Is Now Complete

A couple of days ago, JMJ told me that his dad's girlfriends' house is a mess. In his opinion, SHE is a worse housekeeper than I am!

That wraps it up... SHE has none of the qualities that JJ has told me he desires in a woman. SHE is short. SHE does not have a flat stomach. SHE wears alot of makeup. And now, SHE isn't even a decent housekeeper.

He reaps what he sows.

2007-06-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

Painting

I've been thinking of painting my room for about a year now. I finally started! Here is how it went:

Day 1: Removed nearly everything from my room that wasn't furniture and stacked it all in the living room, deliberately blocking access to the computer. Washed walls with Mr Clean Magic Eraser. Filled in wood panelling with mud. Slept in my own room.

Day 2: Covered bed and dryer (yes, the dryer is in my bedroom) with heavy plastic. Primed three walls and ceiling, moving bed as needed to get at all three walls. Did some minor repairs -- hammered my finger. Black bruise marks under the nail. Primed second coat. Slept on living room couch. Heard what I thought was a rat in the pantry.

Day 3: Painted walls red (about this colour). More primer on ceiling. Second coat of red. Slept on couch. Still hearing noises in the pantry.

Day 4: Searched pantry. Good news! It's a mouse! Buy mouse traps, bait one with dry dog food, one with peanut butter. Rag paint golden yellow (about this colour) over red. Slept on couch. Heard mousetrap go off. Smile, go back to sleep.

Day 5: Inspect mouse trap. No mouse present. Remove contents of closet and pile on my bed. Cover bed and dresser with heavy plastic. Decide not to mud the remaining wall -- go straight to priming. Prime second coat. Sleep on couch. Hear no rodents. Trap scared him off.

Day 6: Locate hole under hot water heater where mice are getting into the house. They are living under the bathtub. Order Ratzapper online. Paint two coats of red. Sleep on couch. Dog barking periodically through the night... he has better hearing than I do.

Day 7: Rag paint final wall. Sleep on couch. More dog barking through the night. Kids are so freaked out that JMJ sleeps with his light on, and IJ uses his pillows and blankets to build walls around himself. I have to get those mice under control!

Day 8: Adopt a cat from the SPCA. Start putting stuff away in my room. Screw new bookshelf to wall and fill with books. Try to cover windows so I don't wake up with the sun. Need to make curtains now. Sleep in my own bed.

I still have quite a few projects to do to complete the room:

Sew curtains for two windows and closet.
Sew runners for top of headboard and bedside table.
Paint outside of bedroom door golden yellow.
Cover inside of bedroom door with gold brocade fabric.
Scrub floor to remove paint drips.
Mount brass butterfly wall sconce.
Install storage shelf.
Set up drafting table.
Sew curtains to hide storage / art studio area.

I love the way the walls turned out. I picked up the bookshelf and bedside table for $2. I washed, primed and painted them red. The headboard I already had. I painted it red, too. It looks great with the gold brocade roses on it.

As I was removing things from my room, I found alot of JJs stuff. I have a separate pile in the living room for his stuff. I also found quite a few clothes that I don't wear anymore, and made a separate pile for them, too. I'll be making a trip to the thrift shop soon. I didn't throw away much stuff, but that's ok. I now have more ways to organise my stuff, and less stuff that needs organising. I should paint every year!

2007-06-20T22:00:00.001-07:00

Self-Portrait

Doesn't that look like me? Remember: I'm a Surrealist. Things are not always what they seem.

No clip-art was used in the creation of this portrait. Every element was photographed by me. I could say this work was 25 years in the making -- that's how old the picture of my dog is.

Every element in the photo is significant:

The rainbow is a promise from God. Promises kept demonstrate loyalty, which is a characteristic I value highly.
I love water. I love the way it photographs. I love swimming. I feel completely at home in the water.
My dog is a faithful companion. My dog loves me unconditionally. That displays loyalty, which I have said I value highly.
I love colour. Bright, contrasting colour. The flowers are a wonderful collection of colour. They are also my Garden of Delights... yes, in a sexual sense -- vivid, diverse and growing.
Duct Tape has many, many uses. When I packed Duct Tape in my emergency kit, my kids asked me what it was for. I replied "I don't know yet." It is useful in so many ways. One is never truly prepared unless one has Duct Tape on hand.
Calculator: I love math. I work with numbers. What more can I say? Oh yeah... the display reads "42". (If you don't understand, ask Douglas Adams.)
Tools: Growing up, I learned that if something is broken, you fix it. My dad could fix anything! He was great at building, too. So, it just came naturally for me to do the same. I'm very capable.
Art Supplies: I am an artist. I am an Art School graduate. I work in various media. It only made sense for an appendage to be devoted to art.
Axe: Self-reliance. I enjoy camping. I like wood heat. It is necessary to use an axe in those contexts. It is just another tool. And the source of one of my favourite scars.
Bandaids: For this photo, I put a bandaid on every scratch, scrape, bruise and scar on my legs. These are positive things. These superficial imperfections represent my life -- always out doing things. When I am active, I sometimes sustain minor injuries. Mowing the lawn, riding a bike, hiking, cutting firewood. My scars are special to me because each one has a story about something I was doing.
Candle: Romance. Peaceful. The quality of the light given off by a candle is warm and soft. I enjoy watching the flame dance in the slightest air current. Capturing this dance on film has been a challenge. A peaceful, quiet, soothing challenge. A good mood for romance.
Amber: I rarely wear jewellery. I came across this piece of amber after about 5 months of separation. It was large, and it was uncarved. It was gorgeous! And the shape... I see a human figure jumping for joy, arms reaching upwards. This figure represents joy and freedom -- a release from former trials. I was far from that joy when I purchased it. I am much closer to that joy now. I wear it when I'm feeling particularly depressed. Or if I am in an especially good mood. It is a very special piece to me.
Lingerie: One of my favourite things. I'm a blue-jeans-and-tee-shirt girl. I like to dress for an active lifestyle -- always ready to do. At home, in the quiet of the evening, I like to dress in something special, for some special time with someone special. It's special.
Books: Not just any books. These titles are all from my personal collection. Well, two of them are borrowed -- but I still chose to read them. Books are knowledge. Books are adventure. Books are entertainment. Books are useful. I can never have too many books.
Camera: I bought a digital camera a couple years ago. I got into the habit of using it for all my photography needs. Recently, I shot a roll of film on my "real" camera. I was stunned by the results! The quality is so much higher than my digital. I have so much control over so many factors. I must use it more often. I studied photography for 3 years in Art School. I have a store of knowledge about my camera that is so ingrained in me that I use techniques without even thinking about what I'm doing. The results are fabulous! I can't see me ever using digital exclusively.
Ladybugs: I'm not even sure how many are in the picture. I photographed them all myself. Ladybugs represent science. As a child, I thought they were pretty. When I had children of my own, I learned alot about them. I would take my kids outside and we would observe the ladybugs in their habitat, making note of their behaviour and their interactions with other bugs. We would identify the type of ladybug by examining their dots. We saw ladybugs walking, resting, mating, eating and being eaten. We saw ladybug larvae and pupae. We learned so much about ladybugs through personal observation. It rekindled the excitement I had for science when I was in grade school. When my oldest son started kindergarten, he didn't know the alphabet, but he could describe in detail the life-cycle of a ladybug. Ladybugs picture an important dimension of my personality... a love of learning, and learning hands-on.

2007-06-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

Cancelled Plans

Why is it so upsetting when someone has to cancel out on me? It's not like they do it on purpose. Things happen. Situations change.

I understand that.

So why does it upset me so much?

I'm aware that it does, so I try to take steps to prevent it from happening. I remind people that we have plans several days beforehand. If I suspect someone might need to cancel, I ask them point-blank if they are going to be able to keep our plans.

I need to know ahead of time... at least several days... if plans are changing. That give me time to accept the change, and either change my plans as well, or just change my mindset so I'm ready to do whatever-it-was by myself.

A couple of different people have done this to me in the last year. Some things are unavoidable, like car accidents or illnesses. If someone has been in an accident, they are just going to change their plans. Nothing they can do about it.

Less drastic happenings have kept people from keeping their plans with me. That is a good thing. I don't want all my friends getting into car accidents.

So, why do I have such a hard time dealing with it?

I like to be spontaneous. I've had some great experiences by being flexible about my schedule. At the same time, when I make plans ahead of time, there is anticipation. I really look forward to fulfilling those plans, whether it is a week from now, or a year later. When something happens to change those plans, it is like running full-speed into a brick wall.

But why?

It doesn't stop me from going. Whether it is a business trip or a visit with an out-of-town friend, I am still able to go. It becomes a different trip without the other person, but I still go.

And I enjoy myself.

So, why it is so upsetting?

The answer is JJ.

He did it to me all the time.

When we had been married about 2 years, I wanted to go see Doug and the Slugs play at a local club. I asked JJ if he would go with me -- 6 weeks ahead of time! He said he would. So, the anticipation started.

Once a week, I would bring it up. I didn't want him to forget (again). I wanted to see Doug and the Slugs, and I did not want him to let me down (again). The last week of anticipation, I would say something about it every day. The morning of the big day, I asked him again if he wanted to go with me. He said yes. I was excited all day, looking forward to going out with him, and seeing Doug and the Slugs. I let him sleep in. I didn't ask him to do anything all day. I wanted him to be rested and ready to go.

I got dressed to go out about an hour before I thought we needed to leave the house. I was pacing in the living room, waiting for it to be time to leave. JJ was in the bedroom, so I figured he was getting ready to go. It was taking him an awfully long time, so I went to see what he was doing.

He was lying on the bed, in his grubby jeans and an old t-shirt, reading a book! I asked him why he wasn't ready to go yet. He said "I have a headache. I'm not going."

I was so angry! If he wasn't feeling well, he should have told me. If he just didn't want to go, he should have said so. It was time for me to leave, and I had no date, no friend to share the evening with. I went anyway. I had fun. And I stayed angry at JJ.

He did this to me more times than I can remember... and I can name people who believe I have a photographic memory.

Dance classes, SCA events, house parties, dinner parties, family functions, camping trips, dinner out. The list goes on and on. It was the same way every time. He says "yes, I will go with you". I go out of my way to arrange a babysitter, sometimes driving an hour or more to drop the kids off, only to hear "I don't feel well" when I get back home to pick him up. I did everything I possibly could to make it easy for him -- that's hard work! He would sit there, watching me make all the preparations, then at the last minute, he would let me down.

I know that is not what is happening now. I can see that my friends honestly need to cancel. We all have responsibilities, and sometimes unforseen events unfold, causing us to change our plans.

It is always disappointing.

It is not deliberate.

And I still find it difficult to deal with.

On top of all that, I can't even talk to my friends about it. They already feel bad that they had to cancel. They are disappointed, too. Anything I say will just make them feel worse. Making my friends feel worse will not help me feel better. It will just make things even harder for me.

I almost didn't write about this. I thought "what if one of those friends happens to read this?" Well, this blog isn't about my friends. It's about me. This is how I feel right now.

I needed to vent.

And this is how I do it.

2007-06-07T19:32:00.000-07:00

Nap Day Today

I just felt like taking a nap all day. I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep because the neighbour was playing her music too loud. Her husband died at work recently, so I don't want to go complain. The kids missed the bus this morning because I slept in, so I had to drive them to school. I was awake by then, so I went into the office to catch up on some work. We were closed today, so no clients bothered me.

FdM and I walked over to the local coffee shop for lunch. We haven't done that for a while. It was a nice change of pace.

I had a chiropractor visit... put my back out when we moved the office. I said to the chiro: "it feels like a nap day today." She agreed. Pretty soon, everyone in her office was wanting a nap!

It was difficult to concentrate on the way back to the office, so I called it a day. Wandered through Liquidation World -- found some art supplies for the kids -- then went home. I made a batch of fudge, played with some recent photos I shot (working on a self-portrait), and ate dinner. I was really ready for bed then. But I have kids to take care of.

I took a nice, hot bath while IJ watched "Return of the Jedi". When I got out, I had my favorite jeans, fluffy socks and sweatshirt in the dryer warming up. By the time I was dressed, IJs movie was over. Right now, he is finishing his homework, then having a snack and going to bed. JMJ should be home from his friends house by then, and I will finally be able to go to bed!

But will I be able to go to sleep?

I received some new books from Amazon this week. So, in addition to being woke up by the neighbour early every morning, I haven't been going to sleep until after midnight because I'm reading!

If I go to bed when the kids do, I should be able to do a bit of reading. I'll have to enforce a one-chapter rule. That's hard to do -- I don't listen to myself very well.

I better get going, or I'll be up all night again.

2007-06-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

Miscellaneous Items

Surgery Update I had my surgery on March 28. Three weeks later, I saw the GYN for a check-up. He said it could take up to six months to fully heal. I will know by then how successful the surgery was. Well, I'm already happy with the results. My last period was so much lighter than they have been the last few years. A couple of days ago, I had to check my calendar to find out when my last period was... it felt like so long since I've had one. It ended only 3 weeks ago. Before surgery, I had only 1.5-2 weeks between periods. This is great! And it may become better still! I can't wait!
Antidepressants I wanted to wean myself off the Zoloft once tax season was over. Near the end of April, I started taking only 50mg/day. I had been taking 75mg/day for the previous 8 months or so. After about a month of 50mg, I started taking 25mg. After about 2 weeks of that, I started to feel the effects of the reduced dose. I didn't recognize them at first. I had a general feeling of "not right". I felt like I needed to cry, but could not determine why. I became irritable. I went back to 50mg about 10 days ago. I feel normal now. Or, at least, what passes for normal. I'm really not sure what "normal" is anymore.
FdM has been out of town for a week. He said he would call me while he was away, but I haven't heard from him. He is expected to arrive home tonight. I'll call him tomorow if I don't hear from him first. On my last trip, I had an awful time finding a payphone that would work. I tried to call FdM, but the phones just couldn't deal with long-distance calls. I don't know if that happened to FdM or not. I'll find out soon.
Puppy I found a new home for the puppy. He was 8 months old. A young couple was looking for a young dog. They live near the beach, and don't have close neighbours. They walk alot. That puppy needs alot of walking! They are able to give him the attention and exercise I wasn't able to give him. HJ seems much happier now that the puppy is gone. His breed was developed to be submissive, but I think it is a relief to him to have the dominant dog out of the house. HJ and I do the things we used to do before I got the puppy. We go for walks... just the two of us. I take him to the office... he is well-behaved there. He gets to go for car rides... he will come along when I run to the store. He doesn't get to go outside and run around, but he really enjoys the ride. We are enjoying spending time together. When the puppy was in the house, I left HJ at home, too, when I couldn't take the puppy somewhere. Puppy barked too much when he was home alone. This was a good move for all of us!
Organizing my Bedroom IJ was looking for the old Nintendo, and he was sure it was in a box in my room. So, he helped me organize my room. JJ left boxes and junk piled so high in there that I didn't know what was there anymore. Now, I've removed several bags of garbage, taken several bags to the Thrift Shop, and have a pile of JJs stuff for him to haul away. I almost have a room again! And, IJ found the Nintendo, so he is happy, too. Once JJs stuff is gone, I will have room to repack the remaining boxes. That may reduce the volume of stuff by as much as 50%. Best of all: I found the negatives of my 1984 trip to Paris... I've been looking for those since I bought my scanner last year.
Artwork FdM asked me a couple months ago to create a portrait of him. I gave it to him a month ago. Yesterday, I was thinking that I should do one of myself in the same style. It was fun creating the first one... so this should be fun, too. I was up late last night sketching in bed. I have my basic layout figured out. Today, I bought a big bouquet of mixed flowers and did my first photo shoot. For the FdM portrait, I pasted together clip-art. For my own portrait, I'll be pasting together my own photos. Not because I'm more important than he is. Because I know more about myself, and have access to meaningful items that can be used for the project.
Dreams I've been keeping my Dream Journal. I've consistently remembered two dreams per night since I started. Last night, I woke up at 4:20am, but just didn't feel like writing my dream down. In the morning, I still remembered it. As well as the one I had just awakened from. I didn't have time to write them both down... I had kids to get ready for school. So, I wrote only the second one. Parts of the first dream are still with me... I just don't feel motivated to write it down. It should be forgotten by tomorow. I think I will continue to not write at 4am. If I remember in the morning, I will write it then... unless I feel compelled to write at 4am. I'll have to take it as it comes. Decide as I go. I just want to get enough sleep!

2007-06-01T17:30:00.000-07:00

Dreams

I woke up this morning, remembering a dream I had. It has been years since I consistently remembered my dreams upon waking. Right now, what I remember is that I had a dream and I was impressed at the amount of detail I remembered.

Too bad I didn't write it down.

All I recall is that FdM was in the dream -- and that it was a positive dream.

When I was a teenager, I started to keep a dream journal. I always had a notebook and pen on my nightstand so I could write my dreams before I was even fully awake. There were times that I read the journal a couple of days after writing in it, and I had no recollection of the dream.

I have always been fascinated by dreams. I have stayed away from Dream Interpretation books... how can a book tell me what the symbolism in my dreams mean? That is a very personal thing. A book cannot account for my personal history or what is currently going on in my life. Only I can do that.

That is my approach to dreams: their contents reflect what is going on in my life and are coloured by my own history.

Having forgotten the dream I remembered this morning, I now have a desire to start recording my dreams again. I want to remember these interesting tidbits. I spend 1/3 of my life sleeping... it would be nice to know what I am doing during those hours.

I have to go pick up my photos at the drug store after supper.

I will have to pick up a notebook, too.

2007-05-31T21:43:00.000-07:00

Divorce

Step One is complete.

I caught the 8am ferry into Vancouver and took transit to the Provincial Courthouse. I was there before 10am. I inquired as to the whereabouts of the Divorce counter, and found no line-up there. The agent read over my application, asked some questions to clarify some things, and we corrected what needed correcting. I paid the $218 and was walking out of the courthouse at 10:15 -- leaving a line-up behind me at the Divorce counter. I had a bite to eat, wandered around a bit, and caught transit back to the ferry. I was home by 2:30 -- before the kids got out of school.

For Step Two, there is quite a bit more paperwork to do. I can't file the next set of papers until after the one-year anniversary of the separation. We separated June 15, and June 16 is a Saturday, so I won't be able to take Step Two until June 18.

June 18 was the original date we had picked to get married. We changed the wedding date to June 25 shortly thereafter to accomodate another family event. I didn't want anyone to have to choose between my wedding and the other event, so we scheduled the wedding so both events could be attended.

After Step Two, I wait. A judge will review the file and either grant or deny a divorce. A "No" will come with notes and instructions on what needs to be addressed before divorce can be granted. Then I can re-file (no additional fee for that).

Once the Divorce is granted, I go on to Step Three: a 31 day waiting period... in case either party changes their mind.

After the 31 days is Step Four: Request a Divorce Certificate, then I am free to remarry.

So how do I feel about all of this?

I wanted to get the process started so I could get it finished. I was irritated about it a few days ago. Today, it was just something I needed to do.

I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I'm not happy or excited.

It was just something that needed to be done.

And now, I've done it.

2007-05-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

What An Awful Week

Had to move the office on Saturday.

I hate moving.

My employees came in, and we moved everything just a few doors down the mall. It took about 4 hours to move everything. By the time it was all moved, my kids were burned out, I had a sore back, and at least one employee left in a bad mood.

I hate moving.

After the move, I spent about 3 hours moving furniture and trying to get some semblance of organization.

When I got home, JMJ told me JJ took his girlfriend to a B&B for the weekend. How nice of him to treat HER better than he ever treated me.

Sunday, I woke up with a stiff back. JJ came over and I finally got him to sign the divorce papers. He was really irritating. I was in a bad mood when he left.

On Monday, I took the signed papers to the local courthouse... and was informed that I would have to make a trip into Vancouver to file for divorce. I can't do that here. My goal was to file the papers by the end of this month. That doesn't leave me much time. It is going to be terribly inconvenient. But I have to do it... JJ sure isn't going to do it.

I went back to the office and I spent 4 hours setting up the computer network and recycling alot of stuff I've kept around the last few years in case we ever needed it. In the new, tiny space we have, I decided I don't need it anymore.

Today, I spent another 2 hours unpacking, and started 4 new tax returns. I haven't put up any signs telling people we've moved -- how do they keep finding me?

At lunch time, I put a baggie on my desk with my lunch in it: two home-made cheddar cheese and bacon muffins with lots of fresh chives. Then I locked the door and went to the grocery store to get a jug of milk. When I got back to the office a few minutes later, there was a note on my desk from FdM -- I just missed him! -- and my lunch was gone. I spotted the baggie on the floor, torn to shreds.

My Dog ate my Lunch!

That was the straw that broke the camels back.

I cried.

So many stupid little things piling up, for so many days, and I just had enough. I was hungry, frustrated, annoyed, irritated, stiff and sore. And I couldn't stop crying.

So I put a note on the door, and went home for the day.

I came home, made a fresh batch of cranberry-orange muffins (I'm out of bacon), and watched 21 Jump Street.

I'm still irritated. I'm still teary.

And the office is still a disaster.

I hate moving.

2007-05-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

He Finally Signed The Papers

I can't believe it!

I've been trying to get the divorce papers signed for weeks! I was just about ready to file a Sole Application. That would cost more, but then I would be able to petition to have him cover the court costs. Ultimately, it would only cost him more.

After all the heartache he has put me through, all the difficulties with him wanting the Agreement amended, everything was signed the way I wrote it. Only one word was changed on the Amendment: "obtained" was changed to "borrowed".

Today I told him to quit stalling and sign the papers. He replied that he wasn't stalling.

So I got rude.

I said "Just because you are screwing your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm free to pursue a relationship. I have morals."

I really don't know why he bothers to argue with me. He knows I'm right. He knows I'm reasonable. He knows he's going to end up accepting what I say.

He always has.

Sometimes it took several months for him to discover that I was right all along. This time, I think he's just lazy. He was talking about hiring a lawyer to read the Separation Agreement and Amendment before signing the Divorce Application. I told him to go ahead -- just get it done! In the end, he came back and said "I'll sign the papers. I trust you."

Where was that trust 10 years ago? For over 10 years, he has been convinced that I had an affair with DR. He thought that IJ was DRs son.

I don't recall ever experiencing his trust.

Just his laziness.

2007-05-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

Ouch

JMJ just told me that JJ brought HER to the Sunshine Coast for the weekend because SHE has never been here before. They are staying at a B&B.

He never took me to a B&B.

He never took me anywhere just because I had never been there before.

That really hurts.

He never took me anywhere at all. He always said we couldn't afford to go anywhere. These days, he tells me he has no money because he gives it all to me for child support. Then he takes HER on a trip... and stays in a B&B not more than 20 minutes away from his mother's house. The rare trips we did go on, we always stayed with family.

I can't believe how much this hurts.

I don't want to go to a B&B with him. I don't want to do anything with him.

I certainly don't want to hear how he treats the Other Woman better than he ever treated me.

2007-05-22T22:52:00.000-07:00

What a Beautiful Day

The sun was shining, but it wasn't too hot. No arguements with the kids. Work was quiet, but not boring. FdM gave me a really nice hug this morning.

I can't complain about this day.

I even got to show some artwork to a client. Not a tax client... somebody has hired me to design a logo for a new business.

It was the best of all possible art jobs... I was told the name of the business, and given a description of their activities. I had no other input from the client... I got to let my imagination run free!

I do my best work under those conditions.

I put together three different ideas... one was text-only, and then two different graphics, with a few different variations of each idea.

I was thrilled when the client liked my favourite one best!

He has good taste.

So I spent another couple of hours tonight cleaning up the graphics and making some other minor changes that were requested. I now have another half dozen variations of the chosen design to present tomorow.

This is fun!

The strange part is, when I was attending Art School, I hated Graphic Design. I found it to be terribly boring work.

Of course, we didn't have computers back then.

Now, I can copy and paste and manipulate my design all I want. I don't have to start from scratch each time I want to make a change. I can get my variations done in an hour, instead of a week.

Then, to top off the day, FdM called to say "goodnight".

What a beautiful day!

2007-05-19T23:27:00.000-07:00

Drunk

Yup, I did. I drank several Caramel Apples -- 2 parts caramel schnapps (375 ml in total), 1 part appfel korn.

Yummy

Earlier this evening, I thought I might not sleep at all tonight. Now, I'm expecting to read for a little while, and maybe wake up in a couple of hours because my light is still on.

I guess I'll know by morning.

2007-05-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

Where Am I?

How Did I Get Here?

Why Can't I Go Home?

I have had a very odd week.

Odd; abnormal; mundane; unpredictable; tedious; variable; unclassifiable; changing; static; surreal.

The last three or four days, I have felt like crying. No reason for it... I just had this feeling that I needed to cry. I needed to cry, but was unable to.

It is alot like having an itch that can't be scratched. No, it's more like Elevator Music... you know something isn't quite right, but the music itself is hiding from your consciousness, even while you are listening to it.

I had a need to cry, but the reason for it was hiding from my consciousness, leaving only the feeling that something wasn't quite right.

So I prayed about it.

I still don't know why I needed to cry.

But I had my cry.

I would like to talk to somebody about it. I usually discuss these things with my sister. She is on a rare vacation right now. 20 year high school reunion. I don't want to disturb her right now. She is staying at mom & dad's house, so I can't call mom either. I could never talk to JJ about this kind of thing... he has this idea that depression can be overcome with a positive attitude. FdM has been very busy, so I haven't had a chance to talk to him. DR has a new phone number, which I have written down at the office, but not at home. Right now, I've had too much to drink to go get it.

Just like I felt like I needed to cry this week, I felt like I needed to get drunk tonight. It has been a month or more since I last had a drink. I haven't set out to get drunk since September (I blogged that night, too). I have had drinks since then... just not the intention of being drunk.

I was talking to Mom a couple nights ago. I asked her if she worried about me when I was 19 and was going out drinking with friends. She said no. She said "I knew you were responsible". That made me happy. I knew I was responsible. I didn't know Mom knew it.

Moms are great.

Other surreal happenings this week were:

accounting lost my payroll, so nobody from my office got paid this week
JMJ and IJ spent the day today with their grandparents... and the grandparents haven't talked to me in weeks
I have to move my office to a new location by the end of the month... and, as I keep telling people, "nobody in any position of authority has told me that I'm moving" (I heard it through the grapevine)
JMJ tried to beat me up (he's as strong as I am, but I'm still quicker)
I found out that the School District counsellors decided JMJ didn't need any further counselling several months ago, and didn't tell me
I was told that my office could make alot of money... if I let my best employee go (does that make any sense? how can we get all that additional work done if my best employee is gone?)
the insurance company told me that I have to pay my own collision deductible for a hit-and-run... not my comprehensive deductible. (does that sound fair? If I was vandalized, it would cost me $200... a hit-and-run costs me $750)
I cleaned my living-room carpet today... even after a half-dozen cleanings, the colour is still noticably lighter after I'm finished! (this better not be a white carpet!)
the weatherman said rain this weekend, so I thought it would be a good time to do some interior rennovations... but I can't cut my plywood unless the sun is shining (I don't want my home full of sawdust)

I'm getting bored with this now.

I'm going to do something else... maybe play some mindless video games. Maybe do some mindless web surfing. Can't mindlessly watch TV: don't have cable.

2007-05-19T19:50:00.001-07:00

Portrait of My Mind

The web of my life is falling apart. My kids are fooling around in it, oblivious to everything but themselves. Joy got up and walked away. Logic is hibernating. Enthusiasm has become Indifferent.

I want to brush the web away -- eliminate the difficulties in my life with the stroke of my hand. Be free of all feeling.

But I can't.

Responsibility is still on duty, trying to hold things together. Responsibility won't let me give up. Responsibility insists that I continue to try to repair the web.

This web is my life. It can't be replaced.

It can be re-built.

2007-05-17T22:32:00.000-07:00

The Verdict is In....

The damage to my car was inspected... and as expected, the repair estimate is lower than my deductible. The estimate is $460. My deductible: $750.

I'm sure I can fix it for less than that. All I need the body shop to do is reattach the bumper. I can touch up the paint myself. I already have everything I need... I purchased all the supplies months ago.

I've been meaning to get around to touching up some paint chips. I've just been waiting for a warm, dry day to do it. Tomorow could be that day. If not, no big deal. I have a household construction project calling my name....

2007-05-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

Let's Try Something Different

Among the things that make me happy are:

Petting my dog
Soaking in a hottub
Ice Skating
Swimming in the Ocean
Camping with friends and family
Watching Star Trek with FdM
Long walks
Hugging my kids goodnight
Old, faded blue jeans
Shopping for office supplies
Talking to people
Opening the mail
Cuddling with FdM
Going for a massage
Spontaneous dancing
Hot springs
Horse riding
Museums
Art Galleries
Having a friend over for dinner
Sincere compliments
French kissing
Star gazing
Watching the wildlife in my front yard
Listening to the frogs sing all night
Holding hands with FdM
T-Bone steak
Baked potatoes with all the trimmings
Traveling
Trying new foods
Big art projects
Buying art supplies
Watching my kids create artwork
Cheesecake
Homemade fudge
Hugs
Caressing FdM
Paying the bills
Grocery shopping
Cooking with the kids
Driving
Getting dirty
Getting clean
Talking on the phone to FdM
Bird watching
Gardening
Wild flowers
Collecting seashells
Farmers' Markets
Visiting family
Making wine
Reading cookbooks
Sharing my favourite things with FdM
Funny movies
Maps
Sunshine
Fog
Snow
Hail
Raccoons
Email
Algebra
Dandelions
Coffee breaks with FdM
School Field Trips
Science Magazines
Talking to my sister
Popcorn on the cob
Being naked
Macro photography
Rock climbing
Discussing taxes with FdM
Looking at my photo albums
Washing the car
Grandma's dishes
Having my hair stroked
Exploring tidal pools
Playing in the sand
Long, hot showers
Playing in the rain
Looking at my scars
FdM

2007-05-15T13:29:00.000-07:00

Bummed Out

Alot of little things are piling up on me right now.

I noticed on Friday that there is damage to the front bumper of my car. When it snowed this past winter, I had a disagreement with a bush and damaged the passenger side of my front bumper. Now the driver side is also damaged. I don't even know when or where it happened. Thursday/Friday I was in alot of different parking lots. I didn't notice the damage until I happened to park with that part of the car in the sun. In the shade, it is almost invisible.

I went to see my insurance agent -- I've never made a claim before, so I had some questions to ask. She told me it would be classified as a hit-and-run, and I would have to pay my collision deductible to have it fixed.

That really sucks.

I have $1000 deductible on collision. I took the high deductible because if I do that little damage to my own car, it will still be in drivable condition. I never considered that I would have to pay for damage that someone else did to my car.

On the upside, It won't cost me $1000. They have another little rule that says I only have to pay up to $750. But chances are, it will cost less than that to fix anyway.

I hope.

I'll find out on Wednesday.

Friday, the kids and I went to Powell River for the weekend. We have never been there before, so it was an adventure.

It took us a while to find our hotel. I located the travel infocenter, and they were closed. But they left town maps out where I could take one. That was very considerate of them.

Once we finally found the hotel, we had a hard time finding our room. We were told room 30. We found rooms 1-29. So we went back to reception.

Back at the reception desk, we were told there is no room 30.

Great.

We had 2 hotel employees running around the hotel looking for someone who knew where our room was.

I sat down in the lobby and looked at old magazines, trying not to stress about it.

The kids were stressed about it.

It took about 5 minutes for someone to find our room.

We weren't impressed with it.

It was in desperate need of rennovation. The hardwood floors needed refinishing. There was no cable TV. The ocean view was blocked by the pulp mill. The beds were small. The ceiling was cracked. The digital clock couldn't keep time. The door locks were difficult to use. There was no phone in the room.

Somewhere along the line, I realized I had not submitted hours to payroll before leaving home. So, I needed a phone.

The Hotel had a courtesy phone, but I was unable to make a collect call from it. I had to go looking for a pay phone.

I found three of them near the Hotel. Two of them did not work. The third one kept insisting that "all circuits are busy now" after I took the time to key in my credit card number.

We went for a drive, looking for a newer payphone. I found one at the mall. It had a slot for my credit card, and allowed me to make all the long distance calls I wanted! So I left some messages, trying to find someone who could go to the office and submit those payroll hours!

It's no big deal if I miss a pay period. I was more concerned with my employees getting paid on time.

I still don't know if they will be or not.

The trip I've been planning to take the kids on this summer is being scaled down. I talked to them about it. I just don't have the money to do what I wanted to. They are ok with it.

We are still going to Jasper and Banff. We won't be going to Edmonton, Calgary or Drumheller. It will be a one-week trip instead of 2-3 weeks.

We will be camping out every night. We will be doing alot of hiking and other free stuff. And for our one indulgence, we are going on a trail ride.

When I got into the office this morning, I checked my email. Another annoyance there.

Head office is moving people around, and closing the office I report to. I'll have a new supervisor in another province. We will be separated by 3 times zones.

I don't like change.

At least I know the new person. He's been with LT for quite some time. I met him last summer at the convention. I told him then that he doesn't make a very good first impression... but I warmed up to him by the end of the event. He's cool. I can work with him.

Then the mall caretaker came in to give me the keys to my new office.

We have to move again.

I've had neighbouring businesses ask me when I'm moving for about a month now.

No one with any authority has said anything to me about moving the office.

When we moved into our present location a year ago, I knew we would be moving again.

I just expected to have some notice.

I hate moving.

I've got it all planned in my head... have had for weeks.

I'll call up all my employees and get them to come help move and set up the new office. My kids will be paid for the day, too. I will order pizza and make a party of it.

It will be fun.

Once the moving part is done.

Hopefully everyone will be able to help. It will go much faster that way.

And leave more time for partying.

2007-05-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

JJ Is Irritating Me Again

It is about the separation agreement and divorce again.

He wants me to amend the separation agreement to disolve the Print Shop. So, I wrote an amendment disolving the Print Shop and giving him all of the related assets. After all, they were purchased with money borrowed from his mother.

As part of the amendment, I wrote in that if JJ were to use those assets in a business endeavour again, excluding the production of his own artwork, that the terms of the original agreement would be reinstated.

JJ did not like that.

JJ said "it sounds like if I ever operate a Print Shop again, you get 10%".

"That's right," I answered.

"But then I'll never be free of you," he whined. "I don't want to be attached to you for the rest of my life."

"You should have thought of that before you married me," I stated.

The original agreement gives me 10% of all profits from the Print Shop.

He does not think I am entitled to that, since I have never been a printer.

He forgets that I supported him financially while he apprenticed at another print shop.

He forgets that I took care of all the paperwork -- sales tax remittance, income tax filing, brochure design, web design. I did all of the behind-the-scenes work.

He forgets all the lonely nights I spent at home while he was out networking with artists, trying to drum up business.

He forgets that I never once said "This isn't working. You should give up."

No.

All he can say to justify himself is "you never supported me".

If he does not consider these things as "supporting him", then what does he consider support?

Then he says "If you get 10% of the Print Shop, then I get 10% of any photography income you make, because I supported you while you got your education."

"No you didn't," I replied. "I funded my education with my student loans. You were a student, too, with your own student loans. We never had a photography business, so there was nothing for you to contribute to."

I really don't care about the Print Shop. I really don't care if I get 10% of profits or not.

What I care about is Principles.

I am not going to let him get away with discarding me so he doesn't have to give me my share.

Three and a half years ago, when I wrote our first Separation Agreement, he had absolutely no problem with me receiving 10% of profits. In fact, he defended my entitlement against his mother.

So why is it a problem now?

Is he so greedy that he is blinded to my rights?

Or does he just want to spend the money on HER?

Right now, there is no money. The Print Shop is not making any money... it never has. This 10% he is arguing with me about is Potential... it does not even exist.

And I am unwilling to let go of my share of that Potential. After all, 10% of future Potential is equal to 10 years of past profit: $0.

Why should I accept less than that?

2007-05-04T19:19:00.000-07:00

Marvelous Morning -- Irritating Afternoon

It's always nice to sleep through the night.

Then, I woke up refreshed, remembering a dream I had about DR. It was a nice dream -- I was visiting him, and met his girlfriend. We had a good visit.

Funny thing about dreams... sometimes they just leave impressions. The impression left by this dream was a positive friendship, with everyone overcoming past difficulties and sharing their triumphs.

I finally had a day off from the office today. I didn't get half the stuff done today that I meant to. That's fairly typical. Other things come up, plans change. Today, tasks took longer than anticipated.

A high priority today was filling my gas tank and washing my car. I like using the coin-op machine at the gas station. After that, I drove to the other side of the gas station parking lot and used the coin-op vacuum to clean out the inside of the car. Later in the day, I spent an hour in my driveway cleaning the hard surfaces of the car's interior -- windows, dash board, doors. It almost looks new now!

Late in the afternoon, I went to the mall to get some budgie seed, and discovered that FdM was still in the office working. So after I got the budgie seed, I went in to talk to him.

This is where my day shifted.

FdM was feeling pretty stressed. After talking to him for a few minutes, I figured he had a low blood sugar. And people with low blood sugar don't like being told what to do.

I started by asking him if he had lunch today. He hadn't. So, I was right about the low blood sugar.

I suggested a coffee break. He said no.

I suggested a 10 minute walk. He declined. I countered with a 5 minute walk and a cup of tea.

Now I'm irritating him.

I explained to him that I'm concerned about him. Skipping lunch affected his concentration and his mood.

He finally decided to leave the office because I wouldn't leave him alone. Not quite what I wanted, but it got him away from one source of irritation... he was quite frustrated with the files he was working on. And he said he would eat when he got home, so that's a good thing.

This is a very difficult situation for me. How do you talk to a hypo-glycemic about eating? I've been trying to figure this out for the last 10 years. I haven't come up with anything that works yet.

First it was JJ. I recognized that his mood was foul when he skipped meals. My oldest son was the next one. I find him intolerable when he doesn't eat. Then my diabetic nephew. I had an awful time convincing him to eat when he sank into a low blood sugar -- and for him it was a medical emergency : eat now, or go into a coma. Next was my sister. It is a challenge to be around her when her sugar goes low.

Today, FdM is irritated with me. And the more irritated he becomes, the more concerned I become.

A loved one is irritated. I want to help. If I say anything, I make it worse. If I do nothing, it gets worse.

It makes me feel so helpless.

I hate that.

2007-04-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

Cooperative

Wow! Where did that come from?

JJ is being cooperative!

This is the final weekend of tax season. JJ has to catch a plane to Dallas Sunday morning at 6:00, so he couldn't take the kids overnight tonight. I need time to work to catch up on all my clients before Monday morning without worrying about caring for the kids.

So what did JJ do?

He suggested SHE might be able to take the kids Sunday.

I know the kids like HER, and they enjoy spending time at HER place. So I agreed.

I called JJ this afternoon to find out what the verdict was. SHE was willing to do it. The kids are staying at HER place tonight, and SHE will be dropping the kids off at the ferry Sunday evening so they can get back home.

I said to JJ "say 'thank you' for me". So he said "Thank You." SHE said "You're welcome".

Are we actually going to be civil now?

That would be best for the kids.

And alot less stressful for me.

2007-04-24T21:18:00.000-07:00

Emails

JJ sent me another email today -- the kind where he tells me what I have done wrong.

I broke my own rule... again. I responded to it.

A very short response.

I told him if he didn't stop sending me that kind of email, that he would force me to block him.

It's all spelled out for him there... no way he can misunderstand that.

Unless he really tries.

2007-04-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

Liar, Cheater, Jerk

IJ and JMJ returned home from visiting their dad this evening. While we were talking, IJ suddenly said "Oh, mom. Guess what? Our cat isn't dead. Dad still has her."

I could not believe my ears! I was told the cat had been put to sleep.

JMJ said "IJ, we aren't supposed to tell mom!"

I immediately phoned JJ and chewed him out royally. I nearly swore at him! IJ has been very upset the last few weeks because we thought the cat was dead. It turns out JJ had our cat at HER house.

JJ said to me "what was I supposed to say?" I replied "tell the truth" and hung up on him.

Two hours later, he phoned me again. He apologised. He thinks saying "sorry" will make everything better.

For some reason he thought I would be happy to hear the cat had returned to health. I told him I am only feeling anger. Anger at his lies.

And I hung up on him again.

2007-04-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

He's Doing It Again

JJ sent me some emails on Friday. His tone has changed... instead of trying to tell me what went wrong, he is being hostile and accusing.

It really disturbed me.

I phoned him before I read the whole thing. I told him to stop emailing me. I told him if he has something to say to me, he can phone me.

He ruined my whole day.

Then I saw him on Saturday.

I took IJ to Sensational Suppers ( http://sensationalsuppers.com/ ) to do some cooking. JJ picked up JMJ when we arrived, and came back for IJ when we were finished. We spoke very few words to each other. He handed me the child support cheque and asked what time to come back for IJ. That was the extent of our conversation.

When IJ and I were finished cooking, we went into the reception area. JJ was sitting there waiting for him. There was also a woman sitting there yapping away on a cell phone. I didn't realized the two of them were together... it was HER.

It was the first time I've seen HER. I was smiling to myself... she lacks all of the physical features JJ told me he is attracted to. She is short and fat. And she wears alot of greasy makeup.

There are other things JJ has told me he doesn't like about HER... she is a smoker, and she gets stupid after a drink or two.

Of course, he also told me things he does like about HER.

She is an excellent housekeeper. She cleans up after JJ. She never asks him to help with dishes or other household chores.

I guess he feels gaining a maid is worth sacrificing an attractive, healthy, intelligent woman.

I'm sure they will be very neutral together.

2007-04-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Smoking

When I was in high school, I told my best friend that I would never date a smoker. I'm allergic to tobacco, and find the odour offensive.

Well, FdM is a smoker. We aren't formally dating, but we do spend alot of time together.

FdM saw his cardiologist today. He told FdM to stop smoking.

FdM said "I'm trying to. I have woman in my life now."

"And she's telling you to quit?" the Dr asked.

"Actually, she hasn't," FdM replied. "I just can't kiss her."

The Dr liked that.

FdM kissed me one night a month or so ago. About 10 minutes later, my throat started to constrict. I was having an allergic reaction to him! He hadn't had a smoke in several hours at that point, but I still reacted to it.

It was quite unexpected. Second hand smoke gives me a sore throat. Intense exposure may make me vomit. This was only the second time in my life I've experienced a constricting throat. The first time was in response to drinking some cheap whiskey when I was 19. But Anaphylaxis in response to a kiss? This is a new experience.

One that I don't want to repeat.

2007-04-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

What A Jerk!

JJ was chatting with my mom recently, and he told her I served him with divorce papers. Trying to make me look like the bad guy.

I told mom that when we were trying to work things out, the only thing I asked him to do was stop seeing his girlfriend. He wouldn't, so we're done.

She said "He has a girlfriend?"

I guess he didn't mention that little tidbit.

"Since July", I told her.

"He said you have a boyfriend" she replied.

"Kind of," I answered.

FdM and I are good friends. We enjoy working together. We enjoy spending time together. We enjoy doing things for each other, and with each other.

Boyfriend? No.

He is much more than that.

He is the man in my life.

2007-04-17T20:56:00.000-07:00

A Positive Influence In My Life

That is what FdM has been. A Positive Influence.

My stress level has gone down. I'm less irritable. I don't get mad at the kids as much. I have fewer sleepless nights. I don't feel so lonely when I'm alone.

I'm happy.

Not just once in a while. Not just for an hour or two.

Consistently.

And it feels good.

He makes me happy. That has had a big impact on my life. I enjoy other things more. Things like cooking meals, baking with my kids, walking the dogs.

I've also found that I do things for him, just because.

I make sure he gets lunch... whether I'm buying something and bringing it back to the office, or making enough to share when I pack my own lunch. It makes me feel good because it makes him feel good.

He does the same thing. During a quiet time in the office, he will suggest we go for a walk, or he will go buy hot chocolate and we will sit down and have a break together.

If one of us is feeling stressed, the other will give a shoulder rub. We greet each other with a hug in the morning. We have playful banter going on throughout the day.

We have respect and appreciation for each other.

And that is the greatest aphrodisiac of all.

2007-04-09T21:26:00.000-07:00

Falling In Love

FdM and I didn't get much work done at the office today. That's ok, though. Neither of us was actually scheduled to be there today.

He took me out for lunch. I had feta and spinach crepes. It was really good.

After lunch, we went back to the office. And spent most of the remainder of the day just talking. And I mean the remainder of the day. It was dark out by the time we headed home.

We had a really good talk about our feelings, about my kids, about our likes and dislikes, about what kind of people we are. FdM is a very special man.

And I told him so.

He is concerned about the state of his health, and our age difference. He is 12 1/2 years older than me, and has heart problems. He may only have another 10 or 15 years left, and he is concerned about me being widowed before I'm 60.

I have told him several times that I've thought about that. I also pointed out that I could be hit by a drunk driver on my way home tonight, and he would never see me again.

He said he would never forget me.

I've told him a few times now that my grandmother married a man 10 years older than herself when she was 63. For some reason, I haven't told him the rest of the story. I meant to. I better email him while I'm thinking of it.

GM married BG 4 years after grandpa passed away. BG was 10 years older than GM. At the time, I couldn't understand why she would marry someone that much older than her... especially at her age! Well, after BG passed away 19 years later, I was talking to one of my aunts. She told me what GM told her once.

GM was very happy with BG. When they got up in the morning, they each made their side of the bed then went into the kitchen together. BG would set the table while GM made breakfast. They would eat together, then each take their dishes to the sink. GM would wash the dishes and BG would dry them and put them away. Then they would walk into the living room together.

The key word in this story is together.

Together, they made the bed, prepared meals and cleaned up. Together was their life.

Why do people get married? Because they want to spend more time together.

They had 19 years together, plus the two or three years they were courting. They were happy together.

And that is what is really important.

2007-04-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

What An Idiot !!

I was working on JJ's taxes today. He gave me his day planner for the year because that is where he recorded his daily mileage.

What did I find?

He had a date with HER on May 15. He met HER for lunch at 2:00 at Pebbles restaurant. It's all there in his handwriting.

He told me that a friend fixed him up with HER a few weeks after he left me.

He moved out June 17.

I don't know about your calendar, but my calendar says May is before June.

I had to stop working after I found that. I was too distracted.

I did, however, make a copy of that page for myself.

I would sure like to see the look on his face when he finds out I saw that.

2007-04-02T22:21:00.000-07:00

Sensational Stuff Transpires

Today is Monday.

And it has been a great day!

A client was very happy with my service last week. I've been doing their tax returns for 6 or 7 years now. Every couple of years, they give me a thank-you gift. Twice now they have given me a huge fruit basket with chocolates, cookies, gourmet coffee and whatever else they found. This year, they gave me a gift certificate for a meal at one of my favourite restaurants, and 3 gift certificates for a coffee shop I've been meaning to check out.

My clients are so good to me.

Tomorow, FdM is taking me out for breakfast.

Then, VN is taking me out for lunch.

My employees are so good to me.

JJ's car is out of my driveway.

The kids aren't fighting tonight.

The puppy is house-trained.

The discomfort of surgery is long gone.

It has been a really good day.

Now, I'll have a really good sleep to top it off.

2007-04-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

May Contain: JJ; Recovery, Yard Work; Dogs; Star Trek; FdM; Stupid Advertizers; Peanuts or Other Nuts.

I noticed I hadn't written anything about JJ for a while. That is good. I saw him today... he cleaned the bird room when he dropped the kids off this evening. I went to the grocery store to get something for supper and for kids' lunches, and when I returned home, JJ was gone.

I felt nothing.

No pain. No urge to be with him.

Nothing.

He is just another person.

Of course, that is sad, too. Or, it would be, if he wasn't just another person.

I did some yard work today. Nothing strenuous... I'm still recovering from surgery. I cleaned up the dogs' land mines, picked up a bunch of garbage that has blown into the yard, removed some dead plants from the flower garden and some tree branches that blew down in the big wind storms we had this winter.

Then I decided to do some painting. I used JJ's car ramps as a saw horse, and laid my mouldings on them. Then I primed them. The car ramps are now partly white. They will still work when JJ picks them up. They are just a different colour now.

The yard looks much better now. Except for the white patches of grass where I was painting.

VN took the dogs to her place for the night on Friday. She wanted to give me a break during my recovery. FdM came over Friday night and we watched Star Trek Voyager. It was a nice, quiet evening -- just the two of us, on the couch together, watching TV.

I didn't zap the commercials out of my Star Trek tapes, so we watched them, too. It was really cool how we got into bashing the commercials. Some of those ad characters are really stupid!

So that is one more thing we have in common -- ad bashing. I'll have to teach him to play "Name That Commercial". The object of the game is to be the first to correctly identify the product being sold before the product is named. My sister and I have been playing since we were teenagers. Some commercials stump us every time we see them... they are so stupid, that they can't even make us remember what they are trying to sell us!

2007-03-31T22:02:00.000-07:00

Recovery

Recovery has gone very well. Cramping the day of surgery was minimal. Just Tylenol was sufficient for pain management. I spent the rest of the day lying on the couch with a hot water bottle, taking short naps.

In the middle of the night, I woke up with some discomfort, so I got up and took some more Tylenol. A half hour later, I was asleep.

The second day, I was still a little wobbly from the sedatives. I walked slowly, and was careful about lifting things. Again, I took only Tylenol for the discomfort. By the end of the day, I realized that there was much, much less bleeding than I had expected.

I forgot to take more Tylenol before bed, but I ended up not needing it.

So on the third day, I went in to the office. I planned to just stay a few hours, but I was there until closing. I did some light chores... didn't deal with any clients. I was just doing some menial tasks... water the plants, do some shredding, prepare the daily report. Nothing strenuous. It just felt good to be doing something.

Here I am now, at the end of day 3, still walking slowly, feeling a little bloated, but no pain.

When I made up next weeks' schedule, I scheduled myself for half days all week. Looks like I didn't need to do that. It is done, though, so I will take it easy for a few more days.

Full recovery is expected in about 3 weeks. That's about when I am supposed to see the GYN again.

Overall, the experience was not nearly as bad as I expected. Over the next few months, I will find out if the results are as good as I expected.

2007-03-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

The Surgery Is Done

Endometrial Ablation -- I was in the hospital for under 2 hours. Twenty years ago, I would have had to have a full hysterectomy; now they have an out-patient procedure that accomplishes the same goal: get the monthly bleeding under control.

I was told I probably wouldn't remember the procedure, but they were wrong.

Here is how it went:

Once in the OR, an IV needle was stuck into my left hand. That was the worst part of the whole procedure! Next, I was hooked up to a heart monitor. Then the Dr started the sedative.

I don't know what they were using, but it made the ceiling move. It looked as if the ceiling was moving from the far wall, over my head, and behind me. I decided it was a parallax effect -- it was actually my eyes that were moving, but being unaware that my eyes were moving, it looked like the ceiling was moving.

That's my scientific side showing through.

They put my feet into stirrups and brought the ablation machine over. GYN inserted the end of the machine into the vagina and up into the uterus. It felt very hot. Then I felt a sharp twinge inside like a cramp. That was about when I asked for more sedative. GYN was injecting a local anesthetic into the uterus wall -- 3 places.

I looked at the clock -- it was 12:10. Sometime around then, I closed my eyes. I don't remember doing it. I remember listening to people talking, but don't recall what was said. Then they told me it was over. I looked at the clock again, and it was 12:20.

Dr removed the IV and heart monitor and they had me move over from the operation table to my bed, and they wheeled me into recovery.

There was no clock in recovery, but I estimate it was only about 10 minutes before I was offered some water. I drank that with no side effects, so I was offered food. I hadn't eaten in14 hours... I was hungry! I got a bran muffin, a pat of margarine, raspberry jam, and some grape juice. There wasn't a single crumb left!

At 1:10, I got dressed and the nurse called FdM to come get me. I didn't expect him to be home, but she left a message. Turned out he hadn't left the hospital. Nurse soon saw him in the waiting area, and I left the hospital at 1:20.

And that's my surgery story.

2007-03-26T20:48:00.000-07:00

Surgery

I've had low iron for quite some time, and didn't even know it. I kept thinking that if I got more exercise, I would have more energy -- I just didn't feel like it. Turned out I had extremely low iron levels.

Now, over a year later, my iron is much better, but the cause of the iron loss is worse.

I have fibroids.

When we discovered them in January 2006, I opted to not have surgery. I told myself I would have the surgery when the fibroids started affecting my life. Well, that was 2 months ago. Heavy menstrual bleeding was keeping me from leaving the house one or two days a month. Three weeks ago, I experienced cramping. I never experience cramping! Maybe 3 times in the last 26 years.

My surgery date is this Thursday. The Doctor is going to perform an Endometrial Ablation.

http://www.mdmicanada.com/website/products_services_thermablate.shtml

It is an outpatient operation -- I'll be home same day. Instead of removing the uterus, like my mother had done, they destroy the lining to greatly lessen the monthly flow. They aren't even going to put me to sleep for it! I'll have an IV sedative, so they can give me as much as I need. The whole procedure will take about 10 minutes.

Medicine has sure come a long way!

Everything is arranged... FdM will drive me to and from the hospital, walk my dogs and make sure I have food. MIL is going to pick IJ and JMJ up at school Thursday and Friday so I don't have to worry about the kids. Friends in the congregation are going to stop by to visit.

I will be well taken care of.

Next week, I've scheduled myself for half days at the office. I have a desk job, but I don't want to over do it. I'll just take it easy next week. FdM will be able to take care of things there. He just about knows my whole job now.

There is a recliner in my office -- maybe I'll just sit back and answer questions all day. I'm good at that, after 10 seasons' experience.

2007-03-21T22:03:00.000-07:00

When Will It End?

I took the kids to Science World today. We met JJ there, and he took them home with him when we were done. It is Spring Break this week, and he took some time off work to be with them.

JJ and I talked a little once the kids were in his car. He was trying not to cry. I could see his chin quivering. He is hurting right now like I was hurting in December and January. He knows I'm spending time with FdM, and he's upset about it. He's jealous.

He said he's not ready to let go.

Too bad. He left me. He wouldn't leave his girlfriend -- the only thing I asked him to do. So what right does he have to be upset about me having a male friend? Did he expect me to be alone for the rest of my life?

I wish I had the strength to not read his emails. I have succeeded in not replying to the last 2 he sent me. It was not easy, but I resisted. He has our whole time-line messed up so it looks like I cheated on him! I don't know why he can't remember things... what's the point in doing anything if you aren't going to remember it?

I am out of patience for him.

Now I just need to be out of words for him.

2007-03-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

He Still Can't Keep His Word

He emailed me again.

He admitted his failings on every item on the list I sent him.

He said he thought he had more time to fix things.

He said it hurts that I'm seeing someone.

He is driving me Mad!

-- when we are together, he wants to leave me
-- when we are apart, he wants me back
-- when he is lonely, he turns to another woman
-- when I befriend another man, he gets jealous

Ultimately, I can sum up all of JJs thoughts and feelings into one word. That's right... one word.

One word to describe JJ, that takes into account all of his actions, all of his prejudices, all of his feelings, all of his misgivings, all of his life.

One word.

Selfish

2007-03-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

It Wasn't All Bad

JJ and I had some good times.

I remember one Thursday morning, he rolled over, squeezed my arm and said "you don't feel well. You should call in sick today." It took him a while, but he managed to get me to call in sick. Then he did the same. We spent most of the day in bed together. Then we went out to a movie. It was the 2pm showing of Cool World.

Wow. You know it's a special memory when you recall that many details.

On our first anniversary, we went on a Rail and Cruise day trip. It was a 2 hour ride on a steam engine (The Royal Hudson), an hour at a park with a beautiful waterfall, and a dinner cruise back home again.

It was really nice to take a break from our daily routine. It gave us some much-needed time together. We pledged to do something special together every year on our anniversary.

Then we didn't.

One night, when the kids were very small, I got home from work to find that JJ had arranged for a babysitter. He took me out for dinner. What a nice surprise! He had never taken the initiative to find a sitter before. Another day, he arranged for my mother to watch the boys so he could take me out. He asked me what I wanted to do. He was expecting me to pick a movie to go to. But I didn't. I suggested a walk through the forrest followed by going out for cheesecake. We had so little time alone together at that point in time that I didn't want to spend it in a dark room not talking to each other.

We had a good time on our walk. We laughed and talked and fooled around. We didn't find any cheesecake, but we did manage to get some dessert.

Somewhere along the line, I noticed something peculiar: We always made love the day the bedding was washed. That wasn't the only time... but always on the day the bedding was washed. I brought it to JJs attention, and we had a laugh about it. Then the bedding started getting washed more often.

We were cuddling in the living room one night, watching a movie we rented. It was getting late, and he had to get up early for the morning commute. We were discussing the movie (a rarity... he never liked me talking during the show). We were caressing each other. We were really enjoying being together. Then he did something totally out of character -- he turned off the movie! I had never seen him do that before. He turned off the movie and led me to the bedroom. That night, I was something special. He chose to be with me over being entertained by the TV. It was truely a night to remember.

============================================

I tend to talk about the bad stuff -- probably trying to justify to myself why we broke up. We had some really good times. I don't want to forget that. JJ has alot of good qualities. If he didn't, I never would have married him in the first place.

There were times I felt like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day -- endlessly repeating the same day over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over....

Other times, life was new and exciting; full of fun in the present and hope for the future.

When I was sick, he would take time off work to take care of me. When the kids were sick, we took turns staying home with them. JJ always took the first turn, because his job gave him paid sick days. I've never had paid sick days. I was always proud of the fact that he used his time that way.

Now that we are apart, I make sure he knows what days the kids have off school. He took 3 days off work to spend with the kids during Spring Break. He drove JMJ to school one day just to meet his teacher.

It is nice to see him active in the kids lives. They need their dad.

And it gives me time to find what I need.

2007-03-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

I Think He Is Finally Finished

JJ emailed me again this weekend. Trying to figure out what went wrong and what he could have done to fix it.

So I sent him an itemized list of what he did wrong:

1. you misrepresented yourself -- ceasing my favourite activities as soon as we were married.
2. you neglected me -- preferring to watch TV or play video games
3. you criticized me -- about things that don't even matter!
4. you shirked your chores -- then placed all the blame on me for them not getting done.
5. you didn't listen to me -- when I tried to talk to you, you would interrupt or dismiss me.
6. you broke your promises -- you tell me you are going to a specific task, and weeks later it is still undone.
7. you held double-standards -- displaying great anger when I make a mistake, but thinking of the same mistake as nothing when you did the same thing.
8. you make assumptions -- instead of asking me what I think or feel, you assume, then react to imagined problems. You end up resenting me for things I have not done.
9. you have an "all or nothing" attitude -- if you can't have the best, the biggest, the most, you want nothing.

His reaction?

He says he is going to stop asking me.

Finally !

That is what I've wanted all along.

Now I will have to wait and see if he follows through.

2007-03-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

Response to ANOTHER email from JJ (when will he stop?)

JJ,

I cannot believe how wrong you are.

You misrepresented yourself.

It is not possible that so many of the things we enjoyed doing together prior to marriage just stopped being of interest to you. You have been outright lying to me since we started seeing each other.

Our problem is not a lack of communication. It is a lack of sincerity on your part. You admitted you broke up with me because you wanted to have sex with KK at her grad. You told me that sometime in the last few months. That is despicable behaviour. You had feelings for TG, but when I said something about it, you again lied to me about it. You said MM was just a friend, then I find out you intended to have sex with her, too. I feel like you have just been keeping me while you seek someone you want to be with.

Before marriage, we went canoeing, hiking, camping, dancing, bike riding. We did alot of things. I loved doing those things! I told you how much I loved doing those things. I was sincere. As soon as we were married, you wouldn't do any of those things. You wouldn't even go for a walk.

This is not a communication problem. It is outright deceit on your part.

We communicated the division of chores before we married. We discussed it several times. There were no arguements... just discussion and agreement. It didn't even take a month after the wedding for you to disregard that agreement. It was entirely your fault that we argued so much about chores. You made a commitment to me, and you did not honour it. I have no respect for anyone who behaves that way.

We had only been married for a couple of months when I realized I had ruined my life by marrying you. You made me miserable because of these things. But I stayed with you because I had made a commitment to you. I said I would be your wife. That means for life. And I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness to fulfill that commitment.

For years, I have watched other married couples. They touch each other. They hold hands. They sit beside each other. They speak to each other. They even share small kisses. In public, or in their homes when I'm visiting. One of my past employees expressed to me that he loved his wife so much that he didn't know what he would do without her. He had been married to the same person for 29 years! All I could think was "I wish someone loved me like that".

You have told me that you were initially attracted to me because I was different. You liked that I wore jeans all the time... I wasn't afraid to get dirty. As soon as we were married, you started pushing me to conform. You couldn't understand why I wasn't like other women.

You can't have it both ways.

These are NOT communication problems. They are a much, much deeper problem within YOU. You have to ask yourself WHY you felt it necessary to deceive me. WHY you felt it necessary to marry me, knowing who I was, if you really wanted something else.

I wasn't allowed to talk while you were watching TV. Your show was more important than what I had to say. You paid no attention when I gave you a back rub while you played on the computer. You didn't even acknowledge that I was there! I would walk across the room naked, and you wouldn't notice.

No. It was not a communication problem. It was a control issue. You wanted to control me. When I wouldn't let you, you withdrew your attentions. When I did do something you wanted, eg. cleaning the kitchen, you praised me like I was a puppy you were training.

I absolutely reject your hypothesis that the problem in our marriage was a lack of communication. The problem in our marriage was you needing to control every aspect of my life, from who my friends were, to what I wore, to what I did with my spare time. You never outright said it... you just put me down when you didn't like what I was doing or how I was dressed, or you would say negative things about my friends. Don't think you weren't trying to control me by doing those things. That is EXACTLY what you were doing.

You don't have a hope in the world of convincing me that our marriage fell apart because of a lack of communication. My life fell apart because of you misrepresenting yourself to me so you could take on the project of turning me into something I'm not.

I told you on the phone I did not want you to share what you are studying right now. You did it anyway. That is not miscommunication.... it is you willfully going against my wishes. You verbally acknowledged that I did not want to hear about it. Then you went ahead and did it anyway.

You don't care about me, my wants or my needs. You never have. It is time for you to stop trying to split the blame. It is time for you to stop justifying yourself. It is time for you to stop trying to figure me out. I am the person you married. You knew who I was before you married me. All you need to figure out is that I am me. No surprises here.

What you need to figure out is yourself.

And you do not need to tell me about it.

I don't want to hear it.

RDH

2007-03-11T22:05:00.000-07:00

Response to an Email from JJ

JJ,

I have been hurt by you since a month or two after we got married. I can't count how many times I went to bed alone the first year we were married. You set a pattern of neglect right from the start, and later wondered why I showed you no affection. Anytime I did try to show you affection, I was ignored or dismissed. You forced me to suppress my feelings in order to protect myself from rejection.

I hired FdM at the office after SA quit to take a full-time job elsewhere. He is in negotiations to buy the office again. We are good friends. I don't know if anything else will come of it... we have both been abandoned by our spouse and are hurting. Not a good time for either of us to start a relationship.

He is trying to come to terms with his wife not being the person he thought she was for the last 30 years. I've been living the same thing for the last 18 years.

I don't know where you got your information from, but we cannot get a divorce yet. We were reconciled more than 90 days, so our 12 months starts over again. However, I have just purchased a divorce kit and started filling it out. It is very straight-forward. We have already dealt with everything in the separation agreement.

We can file the first set of papers as soon as we have both of our signatures on them. If you have no objections, I can file the papers in Sechelt. This first filing will cost $218. I assume you will pay half. The next set of papers can't be filed until 1 year after the date of separation -- the end of June.

At the second filing, the cost is $62, plus the cost of us each having an affidavit notarized. Once those papers are accepted, and the divorce judgment is signed, we apply for a Certificate of Divorce. That will be another $62. Then we are done.

I do not hate you. I do not resent you. I never have. If I had, It would have been easy for me to cheat on you. It would have been easy for me to leave you. I have always wanted you to be the person you were before we got married.

You talk about wanting to be accepted for who you are. I have always put forth every effort to do so -- even when you turned out not to be the person I thought you were. Unfortunately, you have never extended that same courtesy to me.

You tell me you don't want a submissive woman... that you want an equal. Then you proceed to treat me like a peon. You place no value on anything I say or do. You criticize everything. You are constantly trying to find solutions to problems that don't exist instead of addressing things that actually need to be fixed.

You have been very dictatorial... when you spoke to me at all.

You need to stop splitting the blame equally between us. I have been reacting for the last 18 years. In order for me to do that, there has to be something for me to react to. Think about that.

You are still the only person who has ever sworn at me. You have been very neglectful of me . Then, when I try to do something about it, you get mad at me!

With the intelligence you possess, I am amazed how shallow you are. The most important feature in your wife is how she looks. Other people appreciate my intelligence, humour and creativity. You succumb to peer pressure. You are more concerned with what other people think of you than what your "best friend" thinks.

In the past month, I have received numerous compliments from FdM. Compliments on my ideas, my level of knowledge, my ability to work with clients and staff, my compassion, my fun nature -- and other "real" things. He has also given me compliments on how I look... but these are far outnumbered by the real things. He has only commented on how I look three times in the past month. I have received in total nearly ten times that many compliments. That's a good ratio. It shows he cares about me, not about some trophy.

I hope you understand that some day.

FYI, he compliments everyone in the office when it is warranted... it is not just me.

-- no name signed --

2007-03-06T22:01:00.000-08:00

Busy People Making Time For One Another

The office wasn't as busy today as it has been for the last week. Interesting thing is, the same day last year was also very slow compared to the surrounding days. We still doubled last years' numbers, though.

It is going to be a very good year.

The kids are going to be with their dad this weekend, so I asked FdM what he is doing Saturday night. He told me he is going to be busy with a client Saturday evening. I told him I am going to be kidless this weekend, and he made plans to get his business done before Saturday.

I have found FdM to be very considerate. He always calls if he is going to be late. He has been returning my phone calls. He asks if he can use my office when he needs privacy with a client... he never assumes. The last time he came over for dinner, he asked if he could help with anything, so I put him to work peeling potatoes. It is a pleasure to have him around.

Sometimes, he is too much of an old-fashioned gentleman. It was raining one day when we went out for lunch. I was dressed for the weather, but he insisted on dropping me off at the door before parking his van. I felt silly standing there waiting for him.

Today, we went for a walk on our lunch break to London Drugs. I bought a couple things, and he carried the bag for me. I thought that was very nice. Then we went to A&W to eat. I held the door for him, but he refused to go in before me. That seemed odd to me, but very sweet. And while we were walking, he always made sure he was between me and the traffic.

I have never had a man consistently treat me like that before. It's odd that he won't let me reciprocate, but it's endearing, too.

Alot of new experiences.

And I'm sure there are more to come....

2007-03-05T22:02:00.000-08:00

Coffee With a Friend

Another crazy busy day at the office.

When things slowed down, FdM and I went out for coffee.

I really enjoy his company.

We talked about how well things are going at the office... we had another record-breaking day today. We discussed some tax topics and some employee issues. Then he suddenly asked me about my feelings for him.

I'm sure he does that on purpose. He just throws these deep personal questions at me in the middle of a totally unrelated discussion. I think he just likes to see me flustered. It amuses him.

I told him that I want a good friend right now, and that I hope that friendship grows into something more.

He told me that he is in a kind of woman-hating phase right now. He's been hurt deeply by his wife, and is afraid to trust another woman right now. He feels as if he will never be over that hurt.

I recognize that feeling. I didn't go through a man-hating phase. I did go through a time when I thought I would never be over the hurt. I felt as if I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. JJ and I separated 8 months ago. I've been feeling that I would never have a special someone in my life again for well over a year. It takes time for the feeling to pass.

Right now, I have hope for the future. The pain isn't all gone yet. It still hurts to hear JJs voice. It still hurts to see JJ and know I can't touch him. We were together for over 20 years. Even after analyzing our relationship and realizing just how unhappy he made me, I still miss him. It gets a little easier each day. But I still have a long way to go. FdMs friendship makes the journey more bearable.

I have no idea how long we were out of the office for our coffee. It was nearly closing time when we got back. We both had some work to finish up. The other employees left for the day. FdM and I shut down the computers. I turned out all the lights. We were standing in my office, and he put his arms around me and he kissed me. I held him close, and kissed him right back. I could feel the stress melting away.

Then we each went home.

I'm looking forward to work tomorow. It will be another busy day. And FdM will be there.

2007-03-04T21:33:00.000-08:00

Poor Sleep and Bad Dreams

I haven't been sleeping well the last few days. I wake up in the wee hours and can't get back to sleep.

But this time, it isn't because of JJ. It is because of FdM.

When I wasn't sleeping in January, it was because I was stressed and upset about JJ. I was hurt and unhappy.

Right now, when I'm unable to sleep, it is because I'm thinking of a new friendship, and wondering if it will grow into something more. I'm relaxed when I wake up at 2am... my mind is racing, but I'm relaxed and comfortable and in a good mood.

Last night, I slept well. But I had bad dreams.

I have an appointment with a GYN on Thursday to discuss having an endometrial ablation. I have fibroids, and the ablation will slow or maybe even stop the menstrual flow.

My dreams were centered around the procedure. The bad part was the doctor not adhering to our game-plan. The doctor kept wanting to do things I specifically wanted him to NOT do. I was very frustrated.

When I was pregnant with JMJ, I had a series of similar dreams about giving birth. In those dreams, I was constantly at odds with the doctors. They were always telling me I had to submit to tests and procedures that I knew were harmful to the baby. In those dreams, JJ lacked the strength to help me. He was a real weenie.

In these new dreams, I am alone. I have no spouse to turn to for support. Not even a weenie. It's just me up against a team of medical professionals who treat disease, not patients.

The pregnancy dreams went away after I sat down and analyzed them. I came to the conclusion that if I didn't trust my doctors, I would just have the baby at home. That made the dreams go away.

So what do the new dreams tell me? The issue of doctor trust is present in both series of dreams. The new dreams have the added dimension of being alone. In the pregnancy dreams, I wasn't alone, but my spouse was removed from the situation or otherwise unable to help me. In the surgery dreams, I start off alone. So nothing can be taken from me.

So what is the main issue? Doctor trust? Or a lack of personal support?

Maybe both.

If I continue to have these dreams, I'll have to think about it some more.

2007-03-03T23:15:00.000-08:00

The Next Step

I visited the book store today. I was looking for a Divorce Kit.

The store clerk and I looked at the list of books available on her computer. I chose the one I wanted, and she ordered it for me. I should have it in about a week.

It makes me sad that I am taking this step. There is nothing more I can do.

My marriage is over.

All that is left is to do the paperwork.

And wait to see what the future holds.

2007-03-02T21:39:00.000-08:00

New Territory

Tax season is in full swing now. We are very busy in the office right now... and it has only just begun! We are breaking records daily. I've never been so busy! It is awesome.

I'm glad I hired FdM.

He's smart, he's experienced, and he's fun to work with.

When things slowed down this afternoon, he came into my office to talk. About what the two of us are doing, and where it's leading.

The two of us agree that neither of us should be getting into a serious relationship right now. We both recently had our spouse leave us. He told me that above all else, he doesn't want to lose me as a friend.

I kept smiling the whole time he was talking. I couldn't help it... he really cares about me. The more he spoke, the happier I was. I have always believed a strong friendship is the foundation of a good relationship. And right now, he wants to build on that friendship.

We are going to meet for coffee tomorow to talk about it. The office isn't a good place for that.

He stroked my hair, then turned to leave. When he got to my office door, he turned and came back. He apologised for it. I got mad at him a week ago for patting me on the head, so he was afraid I would be offended. I told him I wasn't.

FdM stood there looking at me, trying to puzzle something out. Then he asked "how do you like to be shown affection?" The question caught me by surprise. I had to say "I don't know." I thought for a minute, and said "I don't think anyone ever has."

He was thinking about that as he left.

I've been thinking about it, too.

In 18 years of marriage, I have received less affection from JJ than I have received from FdM in the last month.

Sex is not affection. Sex should be accompanied by affection, but "should" does not equal "does". The only time JJ ever showed me any affection at all was when he wanted sex. Any time I tried to show affection towards JJ, I was ignored.

FdM responds to every word, every touch. I really enjoy having him around.

Right now, we both need to heal. A strong friendship can help us do that. If that friendship grows into something more, I'll let it. If it doesn't, I'll hold on to what we do have.

Friends are a very special kind of family. They are worth more than all the material wealth in the world. Friends are worth any sacrifice.

2007-03-01T21:01:00.000-08:00

First Kiss

FdM is working for me now. I had an employee leave to start a full-time job elsewhere, so I had a position available for him. After work today, he came over for supper. He peeled potatoes while I prepared the chicken.

IJ put "Revenge of the Sith" on while we ate. FdM has not seen Episodes I-III. We discussed what made the original triology better. We talked about taxes and how busy the office is this year. We talked about why I went to art school and how he chose accounting. We talked about how great it is that we are working together, and seeing each other every day.

After IJ went to bed, FdM and I talked a while longer. Then he had to go home.

We hugged at the door, and talked a little more. Then he kissed me.

It was just a quick peck on the lips, but it was a kiss.

And it was just for me.

2007-02-27T21:22:00.000-08:00

How "Over" Can Over Be?

JJ stopped by the office on Friday. He dropped off the child support cheque and the signed separation agreement. He gave me my house key back. He asked me to give him his.

He said goodbye, and turned to leave. I felt an almost overwhelming urge to give him a kiss, but I didn't. Not now. We're over. He left the office.

I felt an emptiness inside. He's gone.

Since I was at work, it didn't last long. Soon, the hustle and bustle of a busy tax office filled the empty space inside me.

When I got home, my sister told me JJ stopped by. They talked for about a half hour. JJ looked at the new counter-top dishwasher I bought recently and criticized it. It only holds 4 place settings. It takes up counter space. He thought it should be on the other side of the sink. He thought it would be better if it faced the sink instead of facing the stove. He thought a lot of things.

When I was telling FdM about it, I made the observation that my sister is able to interpret JJ's actions, while I react to them. She interpreted his statements about the dishwasher as a control issue. If he had said those things to me, I would not have analyzed his words... I would have defended my choices. I guess that is why we are such a poor match -- he wants control, and I have a brain.

FdM made an interesting observation about me. He said I can be really anal about how things get done, but at the same time I am very flexible.

When FdM was working for me two years ago, he politely suggested an alternate way to perform one of the office tasks. I heard him out, then explained why we do that task the way I asked him to. With 8 years' experience at that time, I had tried a couple of different methods. What I asked him to do was what worked best for me.

Last summer, VN adapted some procedures she was taught when she worked in an accountants office many years ago. She showed me what she was doing, and I helped her set it up to accomodate our clients' needs. She had a great idea. It will keep us from re-inventing the wheel for each new client.

That is one thing I love about new employees: The new ideas they bring with them.

But JJ doesn't give me any input. He just comes along and tells me how things should be done. That puts me on the defensive, the result of which is that I reject everything he says.

JJ tells me I'm his best friend. Then he treats me like a peon. I tell my employees their job is to make my life easier. Then I treat them like family.

2007-02-24T21:55:00.000-08:00

What is Your Passion?

That is what FdM asked me.

I am an art school graduate. I majored in photography, but don't feel bound to that medium. The creative process is the same no matter the media.

Right now, I have little time for creative pursuits. I am a single mom, and I manage an income tax office. I like taking my kids on road trips in the summer. I enjoy volunteering at school events and driving for field trips. I love taking my dogs to the beach for a good run. I read alot -- fantasy, science fiction, science, history, biography, the bible.

I do alot of diverse things.

FdM wanted to know why I don't do more art. What's holding me back? What's my passion?

I was thinking about it a couple of days after he asked. I was annoyed. Why would he ask that question so persistently? I enjoy alot of things. Why do I need to have one passion? Why do I need to create artwork just because I went to art school? Why can't he accept education for educations' sake?

That's when it hit me. My passion is Knowledge. Formal education gave me Knowledge. Reading books gives me Knowledge. Experiencing new things gives me Knowledge. Observing the world gives me Knowledge. Talking to people gives me Knowledge.

That is the one thing I can never have too much of. That is the purpose of everything I do.

That is my passion.

Knowledge.

2007-02-14T20:14:00.000-08:00

Sucking Up

I finally went away for the weekend. JJ stayed at my place with the kids and the dogs, and I went to visit SP and his family. I hadn't seen him in over 6 years. I hadn't seen his wife in 7 or 8 years. We had a nice visit. It was nice to just go away for a couple of days and have no demands on my time for a short while.

When I got home, JJ was still there. I got back on the last ferry, so it was too late for him to go home.

JJ started telling me what he had done on the weekend. He cleaned my oven. He cleaned the stove-top and all of the dials. It sparkles now! I couldn't figure out why he would do that. In 18 years of marriage, he cleaned the oven only once. Now that we are separated, he does housework.

He asked me if I wanted to know what advice he was getting from friends now. I said "no". He said he was being advised to go back to his wife. It turns out that SHE is advising him to come back to me now.

Too bad.

I've been hurt deeply.

I told him the first time he left me that he could only come back once. I broke my own rule when he left me a second time. This is the third time. He told me he is not coming back. I am not going to play games with him anymore.

I'm through.

He knows that. So why is he sucking up to me? Does he really think I'm that much of a push-over? Not this time, buddy.

Never again.

2007-02-03T19:46:00.000-08:00

I Had A Date

A week ago, I ran into a friend while the kids and I were looking for a place to eat before going out to a movie. I hadn't seen him in over a year. The kids and I had to go, so I told him to stop by the office sometime.

FdM stopped by the office Thursday. I was pretty busy training new employees, so I didn't have much time to talk to him. I did learn that his wife left him a few months ago.

Friday evening, I called him and asked him if he had time to meet for lunch on Saturday. He sounded pretty happy to hear from me. So, we met for lunch.

We were in the restaurant for 4 hours. We had alot to talk about. Including our break-ups.

FdM and I worked together two years ago. We got along great. We enjoyed working together, and making each other laugh during stressful times in the office. At the end of tax season, he moved on and I didn't see him for quite some time.

Over lunch today, we talked about how much fun it was to work together. We talked about what we like to do in our spare time and what we like to do for vacations. We discovered we have alot in common.

We are both still hurting from our break-ups, so we aren't going to start a romantic relationship right now. We are going to spend time together and get to know each other better.

I'm glad I invited him out for lunch.